To want to go back and change my past?

[Nooneknowz]

Will try to keep it short!

2 DC with different dads both unplanned but very much loved.

DC1's father is a waste of air and has been no use physically or financially throughout their life, my DC also has been let down massively by his fathers family to who have made no effort.

DC2's father (we are currently together) is around but most of the time he is more interested in his phone than his child and regularly hardly sees our child in a 24 hour period due to work and hobbies he has.

Parenting falls mostly to me and I've always been a person who needs alone time and without getting that regularly I really struggle. I'm not one of those parents who loves spending all day everyday with their DC! Lockdown clearly hasn't helped this.

While I NEVER regret having them sometimes I think if I was given the option to go back and change things in my life would I change having them? For their sake rather thank mine. I feel like I'm not the best parent I can be because I'm constantly chasing alone time and that's never going to change, maybe I was selfish to have children.
Am I a monster?

I think you have to start by explaining to your current partner that he is allowed to indulge in his passions but not you in yours. He might be like “ what are your passions”. You could just say “ writing” and claim you need creative silence. Unfortunately however even if he obliges he only really needs to look after his own child. Do you have family that you could use for childcare to get some alone time? What ages are your kids?

I always think that if I could go back in time, I would definitely not have children.
I would not change my life for anything in the world now, but, I know, that if I could choose again, I would choose diferently.
I don't think this is something negative. They are just different types of life, in one of them you choose yourself as the priority, in the other one, you let maternal instinct take the lead.
I think it's normal to feel like you are missing something, time for your self for example. It is not easy. I hope your partner gets to see and understand how you're feeling, and gets to help you more around.
Can you talk to him?