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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my Dh to change jobs

20 replies

Somethingsosimple · 10/11/2020 16:58

Dh has travelled extensively for work since our children were small. I suffer from anxiety and I really struggled at times with my Dh away so much. Since March he has worked at home and the change in our relationship has been enormous. He has become closer to our children too as he now gets involved with homework, making lunch boxes and generally being more aware of the kids lives. This in turn has made me closer to him as I feel like we are a team now. I know that life will return to normal and he will have start to travelling again next year. My heart sinks when I think about as I’ve become so used to having him around but I think he enjoys the travel. AIBU to ask him to look at different jobs?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 10/11/2020 17:00

If the job he has involves travel then I think you need to suck it up. Maybe he prefers being at home, have the conversation about how he feels about finding a job that doesn't involve so much travel.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/11/2020 17:01

Have you spoken to him about it, what does he want? Does he feel the difference as well? How easy would it be for him to get a decent job where he doesn't have to travel

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/11/2020 17:03

There is a good chance that business travel will continue to decline. I doubt he’ll be back to doing a lot of travel next year. I’d wait and see.

liveitwell · 10/11/2020 17:04

It depends. Are you asking him to look for other jobs in his field, or look for a new career altogether?

Original poster
Somethingsosimple · 10/11/2020 17:04

I think he enjoys the travel but I guess I feel a little cheated now I know what it is like to have a partner at home more. I feel I could had more than 2 children if things had been different and my mental health would have been improved by having more support

OP posts:
Requinblanc · 10/11/2020 17:12

It is not just about you though and what you want.

If he really loves his job and travelling then he should not have to quit just because you want him to.

If on the other hand he has realised that he wants to spend more time at home and really would not miss his job and the travelling that comes with it then it makes sense.

If you pressure him to quit and he hates his new job or can't find anything else workwise in this climate then you will have a bigger problem...

thepeopleversuswork · 10/11/2020 17:28

Agree with the previous poster. If he likes it he is going to feel enormously resentful about being pressured into giving something up because you have badgered him to do it.

It depends how much he travels as well: if it’s once a week I might have some sympathy. If it’s once a month slightly different.

What’s he like when he’s at home? Does he help out?

Sciurus83 · 10/11/2020 17:32

Do you work also? Sort of depends what he does, could he find another role that pays the same with less travel or could you afford to reduce household income?

IndecentFeminist · 10/11/2020 17:36

It is partly about the OP though. He is equally responsible for the family, so ought to be open to investigating other options. It is fair enough for her to say that she is tired of bearing the brunt of family work and she'd like another adult around.

Topseyt · 10/11/2020 17:42

If he has a job that he really enjoys and you pressure him to quit it for something else then he could easily end up really resentful of you. I wouldn't try to push him this way as I would be scared that it could seriously backfire.

How much does he actually travel and how long is he usually away for? Can he cut his travel down slightly while the children are small?

Of course he isn't travelling much at the moment, and maybe it has been realised that more of his work than previously thought can be achieved without as much of it. That may not be the case in all jobs though, and like many of us, he may well be looking forward to life returning to some semblance of normality.

Daisymaze · 10/11/2020 17:45

Hmmm this was similar to my situation, although thankfully DH made his own decision to find something new. It's tricky because yes, it would likely benefit family life for him to be at home (does his job pay more as he travels a lot? Would he be able to find something sufficient financially even if he was open to the idea?), but presumably he has had the job for a while, and you knew the score. I do agree that it is likely to make him resentful if you ask him to do so, but similarly it will make you resentful if he carries on. You should talk about it.

Starlight39 · 10/11/2020 18:01

YANBU to have a discussion about it with him. I'd say this part to him:

Since March he has worked at home and the change in our relationship has been enormous. He has become closer to our children too as he now gets involved with homework, making lunch boxes and generally being more aware of the kids lives. This in turn has made me closer to him as I feel like we are a team now.

And that you're feeling anxious about how things will be when he returns to doing a lot of travelling. See what he says - maybe he has also seen the benefit to family life of being around more. Maybe his work have seen that they can do more business over the phone or Zoom and will cut down on the travel anyway.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 10/11/2020 18:03

I think you should probably talk to him but ultimately recognise that it also needs to be in his interest. Do you work? I think that will be a huge element of this.

TBH if my partner was a SAHP and wanted me to not travel and to work from home so we can always spend time together it would be a huge no from me—I would find that massively oppressive and claustrophobic. Travel and time outside of family may be a big part of what makes him able to go home and be great with you. 50% of the time but happy and quality is so much better than 100% but trapped.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/11/2020 18:04

It sounds like he enjoys his job and it’s all about your wants. If he wanted to change jobs he can make the decision for himself as an adult if he prefers the new way of life.

GlowingOrb · 10/11/2020 18:09

As long as it is a conversational not not an ultimatum, you absolutely should talk to him about his career options. He has to see the improvement in family life and his relationship with his children. It’s entirely possible that he wants a change as well.

One night many years ago, I confessed to DH that I had thoughts of quitting my job once the baby was born. He was so relieved. He desperately wanted me to stop working but felt like he couldn’t ask me to take a career hit. I had always been the higher earner with the more high flying career. Within minutes we had made a plan to put our house in the market and move to live in a cheaper area that also came with family support. Imagine if I hadn’t spoken to him. Oh and my career worked out just fine. My company was desperate to keep me on whatever capacity I offered, including working remotely and only working a few hours a week while dd was young.

BeaMends · 10/11/2020 18:10

It is not just about you though and what you want

No. It is also about the children in the family and their improved quality of life since their dad has been home. It is also about the improvement in their mother's mental health.

A decision like this can't be just him and what he wants either. The OP is right to want to be able to open a discussion about it.

Londonmummy66 · 10/11/2020 19:00

I think that once you agree to have a family then you need to accept that your life is not entirely your own. Working abroad all the time is really bad for family life - I ended up really ill because I was trying to juggle my work, the home, a child and a difficult pregnancy with DH away. When his work meant we had to have a discussion about what to do if he was away when I went into labour I realised that there was a work life imbalance that needed addressing.

It would be fair to ask him to reassess his travelling load - how necessary is it really and how much can be done by video conferencing etc. Mine is managing with no travel since March suggesting that not all of his trips were necessary...

IndecentFeminist · 10/11/2020 19:21

My husband worked away most of the week when ours were younger, I found it a real struggle. Luckily when we talked about it, he was in agreement that this wasn't how either of us envisaged family life being, and he wanted to be there to muck in too.

You may find if he is travelling travelling (against just working away) that he will be resistant...it is a different kettle of fish to being an active member of family life. But that doesn't mean you are unreasonable.

While he is free to make choices about his career, that by default makes all your choices for you, as you are dumped as full time parent, solo. How is that fair? In a family, you don't just get to disregard others' needs and persist in choices that have negative effects on the rest.

Qwertywerty3 · 10/11/2020 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

TheDowagerDuchess · 10/11/2020 19:23

Nothing wrong with talking to him about it and seeing how everyone feels!

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