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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to go to my aerobics class for one hour? Stupid husband :(

46 replies

SomeoneElseTonight · 16/10/2007 21:55

I have to post this as I am actually fuming with my husband (def not a dh tonight). ds is 4 months old and have started going to an aerobics class once a week to try to shed the baby fat (damn those cakes). Every time when I get home I get an earful because apparently ds cries the whole time I am away.

I said to him that he has to get used to husband putting him to bed because I need a bit of time to myself (I'm gone for an hour and 20 mins). I said to him last week that when I get home and he says that it's been that awful it makes me not want to go, this week I spent the whole time worrying about him.

ALSO the worst bit is that I know he is totally exaggerating. He said ds cried for at least 1hr 30, I was gone 1 hr 10 mins tonight. When I left ds was having a bottle and falling asleep all ready for bed snug as a bug. We have left him a couple of times with other people and they said he was good. Maybe he cried with them but at least they just kept it to themselves.

I mean I know it's hard but I need a break ffs. I don't ask husband to do any night feeds, ever. I iron his shirts, make his packed lunch and dinner. Why can't I have one hour a week to relax and not come home to a torrent of abuse???

I said to him he needs to start putting him to bed more often so ds gets used to it and he hit the roof. He started swearing at me, calling me names and when I tried to argue my case he told me to f off and get in my bath. When I tried to carry on he got out his chair and came towards me like he was going to hit me. B*stard. He wouldn't dare but I resent that he did that.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHH.

Boo hoo

OP posts:

LittleMissTroubled · 16/10/2007 22:45

well yes, he may have become insecure all of a sudden, some men do, it was just a thought, not saying he is

moondog · 16/10/2007 22:46

Did he really say 'Go and fuck yourself' to his mother??

He sounds like a nutter.

handlemecarefully · 16/10/2007 22:47

I distinctly remember arguing with my dh like that when dd was a baby (didn't happen so much when ds came along - I guess we were battled hardened then)...we were both struggling with the transition and under significant stress

Original poster

SomeoneElseTonight · 16/10/2007 22:47

maybe that's it then. what do i do? i wish someone else could take over my life for me, sort it out, then give it back.

like an M.O.T.

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeoneElseTonight · 16/10/2007 22:49

hmc, i hope it passes like yours did.

moondog, he didn't say it, he shouted it down the phone she's not much better than him though.

OP posts:

moondog · 16/10/2007 22:49

Jeeeeezuz!!!!

Original poster

SomeoneElseTonight · 16/10/2007 22:51

they got ishoos.

i think i need a drink, i'm sure that's wrong but i'm heading for the wine

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 16/10/2007 22:52

I reckon he is hugely stressed - which is not condoning his behaviour at all. His behaviour is unacceptable but perhaps understandable - he doesn't have the tools to manage his frustration, 'impotency', new father fear etc

handlemecarefully · 16/10/2007 22:52

I kind of understand because I am a bad tempered foul mouthed headcase too at times

handlemecarefully · 16/10/2007 22:53

Sorry made a big assumption there - is he a new father or is this baby no 2/3 etc?

Original poster

SomeoneElseTonight · 16/10/2007 22:54

What can i do to help him get out of this?
what helps you?

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeoneElseTonight · 16/10/2007 22:56

it's our first. thing is i thought we were coping well. ds is a very easy baby to be around. i guess he isn't coping but if i don't get time to myself it makes things so hard for me.

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 16/10/2007 22:56

Choose your moment - wait until it all calms down and discuss it in an open and none judgemental way. He may well be more receptive to what you have to say and more inclined to be self aware

Original poster

SomeoneElseTonight · 16/10/2007 22:57

custy, do you have to be referred by your doctor for anger management/relate?

OP posts:

oranges · 16/10/2007 22:58

You absolutely cannot allow him to talk to you like this. Its unacceptable, no matter how he's coping. Deal with that first, then work up to leaving him with the baby while you go out dancing.

Original poster

SomeoneElseTonight · 16/10/2007 23:00

mmmm... dancing...

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 16/10/2007 23:22

I agree that it's not acceptable for him to shout and call names and physically be threatening to you.

It is THE most stressful time in a marriage though, the early days with a baby. Perhaps he's not articulating it very well but when you have BF the baby and he then gets left with a baby that he just can't comfort or settle, that must be SO stressful and just grim. It must make him feel pretty useless.

(yes it's only for a couple of hours a week, I'm not excusing him, just saying that even a couple of hours in that situation is highly stressful.) I often, often wished that DH would let me have my time out of the house as a stress free time, but NO, he had to detail every tear, every sob, every waking-up etc etc etc. It would be so nice if men would just breezily say "It was fine" but i'm not sure many would - they do need us to know of their suffering so we can be GRATEFUL

dunno what I'm saying really, only that most people with kids have been there, dh and I had some humdinging arguments in the early days and we are both very laid back non confrontational individuals. I do think though that you need to come to a bit more of an agreement between you to keep things calm in front of your ds.

moopymoo · 17/10/2007 08:23

hope you had some sleep someone else. was thinking about this thread as it rang so many bells for me. My dh is bipolar and can and has behaved like yours. we manage it very very carefully, absolutley no booze or even much caffine as he is very responsive to any sorts of stimulants. it dose sound like he needs help. the gp can refer him for counselling or anger management. relate is self-referal, you ring up and they offer you an initial appointment quite quickly, but there can then be a long waiting list dependant on area. you have to pay for relate - they have a sliding scale of charges. if you can afford it you can self refer to a private counsellor who could help him. (this is what i am so i would say that!)
whilst this sort of anger in the home might be normal for you, it can be addressed and there is a way for your home life to be calmer for you all. you should never be scared in your own home.

Original poster

SomeoneElseTonight · 17/10/2007 08:41

hi everyone. feeling bit better this morning. dh admitted he thinks he has a problm and said he hates himself for speaking to me like that.

i mentioned the counselling and he said no way. i'm not sure if we can resolve these issues ourselves but i hope so.

it's hard. thank god for mn. i never feel like i can talk to friends in rl about stuff like this bcos it's too personal and it feels wrong to badmouth my dh.

i think i'm gonna call relate and gettheir advice on this situation.

a million thank yous xxxxx

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 17/10/2007 13:02

I've been thinking about this and don't know if any of what I'm going to say is helpful so feel free to ignore if it doesn't 'sit' with you.

One of the things you posted is that you are half a person without him and that you do lots of things for him. It sounds like he is deeply jealous of 'losing' the woman who does everything for him/thinks only of him. It comes across in your posts that you have very much put him and his feelings first and that (naturally) you can no longer do that with a little baby.

Obviously his behaviour is frankly scary and appalling and I'm sorry if he doesn't want to get help - but his behaviour is explainable if we think about how jealous he might be.

Hoping you get it sorted

Tortington · 17/10/2007 22:26

google relate they charge according to how much you earn - around £35 avg. but you dont have to go everyweek if its a problem.

re anger management - i think one would ask doc to be refered. my dh got one out of phone book. bit expensive but at the time was a stipulation of continuing to be married

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