To dislike my 6 yr old

[Juniper20]

I feel so guilty writing this but I don’t know how to proceed. My eldest son is six, nearly 7. I love him & my love for him is unconditional....but I don’t always like him. He’s a complex, emotional character, very intense & more often than not his glass is half-empty. I do so much for him, & with him, but he’s never content. He’s clever, and unfortunately this often manifests in social manipulation.

He plays people off against one another, & his idea of humour is to purposefully agitate others, doing or saying things that he knows will get a negative reaction. He’ll whine and verbally agitate until people snap ... & it’s not as if he’s lacking in attention or bored. I take him out, to the park, to swimming, he has play dates with friends from school. I make sure I give him one-on-one time as well - I took him to the local farms over Oct half term where we spent whole days looking round/doing activities.

He has a sweet side & is a very good big brother (my other son is 2.)

I think what’s alarming me about my feelings is 1) I’ve never really found him enjoyable to be around, & I don’t feel easy in his company. I could give him the world on a late & he’d find something to moan about.

2. His peers find him difficult to be around - the games he initiates have to be his way. He’s always in a fight to be the one in control. Other kids get tired of his intensity & tell him to leave them alone. He just annoys them, in the same way he annoys me.

I’m beginning to think it’s personality rather than social conditioning, as his brother is the polar opposite - laid back, happy-go-lucky, content to be loved & just happy in his own skin.

I hate the way I feel about him but he just stresses me out. I can only deal positively with him in short doses & then I want to get away. It’s also alarming to see others reacting to him in the ways that sum up how I feel most of the time. I realise he’s a child & I do show him lots of love & cuddles. I just find him very high maintenance & I worry that others do too.

What do you mean by social manipulation? That seems like a very unusual thing to ascribe to a 6 year old. Is it just attention seeking?

If he has play dates, does that mean he has friends or are these things that have to be forced by you?

YANBU.

I think whilst people find it hard to admit sometimes, some children are just more likeable than others and there is nothing we can do about it.

Obviously this is different but I feel very similarly about one of my step children. I have to really really fight to like him and not feel irritated by his behaviour and personality whereas the other, I get on with so well and genuinely enjoy being around.

I love them both but I definitely like one more than the other.

As you say I think it's down to personality. It really resonates what you said about seeing other people reacting to him in a way that sums up how you feel because we have that too. You can tell that most people find him the more difficult one of the two and definitely find his company more trying.

Don't beat yourself up.

Is a 6 year old even capable of social manipulation?

How do you deal with his behaviour?

Sounds exactly like my brother. He could start a row in an empty house.
Sorry, I have no advice other than don't engage when he's stirring for his own amusement. It's all about the reaction.

@funkyfruitloops

Is a 6 year old even capable of social manipulation?

Not in any understanding way I'd imagine. But I think children are certainly capable of behaviours that come across the same way.

@LittleWestie gosh I had no idea.

@diggadoo

I have wondered if there’s ADHD there.

I have a child with ASD and anxiety abs when he’s at his most anxious/triggered he is really really hard work. I adore him, but I hear you. Have you looked at PDA?

I think I would be minded to get him seen by a clinical psychologist ASAP and see can they throw some light on why he’s behaving this way. The more you know, the more you can manage your own reactions to it.

And I definitely second (or third) the ADHD comment. I have often wondered this about my SS (as have others) but his parents don't think anything is wrong so there is nothing I can do.

One of my DC is very similar. I agree with diggadoos neurodiverse comment and would also consider exploring it.

@funkyfruitloops

Is a 6 year old even capable of social manipulation?

I would say yes. I think this is a really good article on it and I think you would definitely want to look at this too, OP. As the psychologist says in the article, by the age of 10 or 12, it may be too late to start changing these traits, which means that they’re already in play at age 7 (OP said her son is nearly 7), and the psychologist says that they can start happening as young as 15 months, though she hesitates to coin the term “manipulation” younger than that (however, if an adult was doing it, yes, we would call it manipulation). This gives some ideas, in addition to what @diggadoo has recommended about checking for neurodiversity. psychcentral.com/lib/is-my-young-child-manipulating-me-an-interview-with-dr-susan-rutherford/

But also, OP, if they wrote an article on this, a lot of mums and dads must have been asking the question so you’re obviously not alone.

@thistimelastweek

Sounds exactly like my brother. He could start a row in an empty house. Sorry, I have no advice other than don't engage when he's stirring for his own amusement. It's all about the reaction.

^^ this is what my brother used to be like too.

I don’t think it’s abnormal what you’re feeling. I think you need to start having conversations with him about being kind - not in a #bekind type way, but as in, people don’t want to be friends with people who say cruel things under the guise of ‘making a joke’. I know he’s young, but it’s never too young to get him to start thinking about how he would feel if someone said that to him? I inherited a bit of a cruel sense of humour from my dad, I’ve worked hard to try and suppress it.

I wouldn't feel too bad about this. I'm sure many people feel this way but most just don't admit.

I think many kids can be irritating when they're a bit whingy, hopefully he will grow out of it.

I also agree that young children can be manipulative. I think they realise very early on how to get the responses they want, and some kids continue to use these methods long past when they have learned to communicate verbally.

I’ve known a kid with Aspergers exactly like you describe your son. He always took immense pleasure in trying to trip people up with questions, trick them or upset them, adults, children, it didn’t matter, from the age of 5. I don’t particularly have advice as the child didn’t stop doing it, the techniques just became more complex and inventive as he got older.

Perhaps social stories about social situations and picking him up on behaviour that you don’t think is acceptable (which would, for me, include him moaning when you’ve done loads for him!)

My son has adhd and is very high maintenance. It's exhausting. He will argue for the sake of arguing and insist the sky is green. He's also a glass half empty person.
He's very empathetic though and feels very deeply other people's troubles.