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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think its ok to be shy

24 replies

hazeyjane · 16/10/2007 20:09

My dd1 is 18 months old and is a lot more timid than the other kids at the toddler groups we go to, she likes to play next to me and doesn't pile in to the rough and tumble in the same way that they do. The thing is I don't care, it seems to me that we are all different, some of us are shy and sensitive and some aren't, but I keep on getting 'helpful' suggestions from other mums about how to get her to be more like their kids, as if there is just something 'right' about theirs and 'wrong' about mine. People also always say, "oh I'm sure she'll grow out of it", well maybe she will and maybe she won't, but FFS some of the nicest people I know are shy! Is it really such a big deal?

OP posts:

LongMeg · 16/10/2007 20:18

It can be, later on - I speak as someone who was cripplingly shy when I was young. It made me an easy target for bullying, and school was a nightmare day in and day out.

But of course you can't tell at 18 months what your daughter's personality is going to be like when she's school-age.

People often just say things like that because they can't think of anything better to say - they don't mean any harm, and it's not worth winding yourself up about.

peggotty · 16/10/2007 20:19

I think you are right. And more importantly by accepting your dd the way she is, she will not feel like who she 'is', is not acceptable iykwim. The only time shyness is 'bad' is when it's coupled with low self-esteem. I think the word 'shy' probably has negative associations too. (I've been called it all my life!) I like to say that I'm cautious .

belgo · 16/10/2007 20:19

it's certainly not a big deal at 18months! Ignore what other people say.

spookyspice · 16/10/2007 20:22

I was always told I was shy and consequently never encouraged to learn a few social skills so got pretty lonely (til I sorted meself out once I'd left home and people stopped telling me I was shy).

We all need to learn how to take an interest in other people.

But its fine not to be hugely outgoing.

Gobbledispook · 16/10/2007 20:23

Oh it drives me nuts that are children are expected to be outgoing and hugely sociable. Some people are just not.

Ds2 is quite shy - hates being the centre of attention and he is not a performer. He hates being on stage in school productions etc. I don't see a problem with this at all - some people like the limelight and some don't but it always seems as though people are working to change this about him (and other shy children I know), as if it's imperative that he gets over this and becomes like everyone else.

I can see why life is easier if you have certain social skills etc - he does have these and he is pretty confident and outgoing in his comfort zone but so what if he doesn't want to end up at Sylvia Young's?!

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 16/10/2007 20:25

It psses me off when people try to make me "not shy" or belitte the fact that I am/effectively tell me not to be stupid. OTOH, I have encouraged my children to be independent so they (hopefully) do not have to go through life shy because it's horrible.

EmsMum · 16/10/2007 20:26

Of course its OK for an 18 month old to prefer playing near mum than in a pile of kids. I'm not even sure that means she's 'shy' and it probably isn't helpful for anyone to start labelling her as such, let alone implying its an issue.

So long as she's happy and secure doing what she's doing, that is absolutely fine!

Kewcumber · 16/10/2007 20:28

shy is absolutely fine provided you have good self esteem (I beleive it has been proven hat the two are not intertwined)

Kewcumber · 16/10/2007 20:30

and just realised she's only 18 months!

As long as she isn't shyong (!) away from something and just that se's naturally more reserved I doubt its a huge problem.

Kewcumber · 16/10/2007 20:31

and I see peggoty got there before me (KC slinks off)

chankins · 16/10/2007 20:31

DD1 was a very 'shy' baby and toddler - always stayed close to me and watched wha was going on rather than join in. TBH I was glad she stayed close, unlike many friends kids who would leg it the first chance they got, and whose mums were constantly frazzled racing after them. Once she started nursery and other activities, she came out of herself and now I can't believe she's the same child! So not shy at all. And some of the nices people I know are naturally shy too - not a problem at all.

dinny · 16/10/2007 20:33

Hazeyjane - both mine are pretty shy when they don't know people well and I was thinking exactly the same myself last week when ds's (3) playgroup teacher was sayign "well, he is quite shy" like it's some sort of sodding illness.

really annoying - I console myself thinking "still waters run deept" etc.

TinyGang · 16/10/2007 20:35

The other way to look at it is she's reserved. Nothing wrong with holding back a bit and weighing things up. I was always like that; still am. People can call it what they want, it's stood me in good stead to look before wading in and regretting it later.

People (usually at school) often only seem to value loud and pushy. You can be just as confident without shoving yourself to the front all the time.

dinny · 16/10/2007 20:36

Tinygang - that is so true - dd is in Tear 1 and two assertive girls have control over the whole lot of girls...

always feel the more reserved ones will come into their own.....

peggotty · 16/10/2007 20:39

Yes, shy is almost like a negative label that some kids get. Reserved sounds much better IMO.

blueshoes · 16/10/2007 21:33

the meek shall inherit the earth

Kewcumber · 16/10/2007 21:40

DS is loud and pushy and I am loud and pushy - I am constantly embarassed when he scared childrne bigger than him with his exuberance (which at 22 mnths is what I like to call it).

I would just reply "Oh she's not shy, she's just spareing with her affections"

pointydog · 16/10/2007 21:46

yes, it's fine to be shy, reserved, quiet whatever you want to call it.

SOme parents do like to harp on about their wonderfully sociable children as if it's all something they have taught them. You are right to accept your child's character. They are wrong to see one type of personality as better than another.

sunflowervalley · 16/10/2007 21:50

hazeyjane-just read this thread you started and totally agree with your comment that it should'nt be such a big deal.

"oh I'm sure she'll grow out of it "
Why?
That must get you so worked up.
My Ds never liked the rough and tumble and now he is in year 2 he has some of the more reserved boys asking if they can come and play with my Ds at our house as they find some the other boys to rough and loud.
Dont worry about the other mums ,as long as your DD is happy ,that's all that matters.

I have that all the time but in different circumstances.
My DS is 6 and has selective mutism and does'nt talk in school but talks in most other situations although finds it hard in social situations with lots of people.

Like you said some are shy and sensitive and I think that is a good quality.

I love dinny's way of thinking that
"still waters run deep"
and that descibes my DS to a tee.

Deludinoid · 16/10/2007 21:54

My son was fairly quiet when he was that age, in fact one of my close friends, who has a son seven months older, used to really wind me up about it, making out it was a big deal.

Well they're both ten now and DS is very sociable, her son is the quieter one now. But that isn't a quality judgement, they are both lovely, just that at 18 months it can't possibly be an issue anyway because they are still developing their characters.

If she does grow up to be shy as long as this does not impede her and she is socially polite etc it is so not a problem.

pointydog · 16/10/2007 22:03

yes, good point deludes. Shyness and sociabilty can change a lot as a child grows.

colditz · 16/10/2007 22:06

My brother was shy until he was about 18. Now we struggle to make him shut the hell up to let other people get a word in.

slng · 17/10/2007 13:54

Can I join in late?

Ds1 is also reserved. I've been asked more than once when he shied away from strangers "what's wrong with him", which always tempted me to reply "he probably hates you because you are fat and smelly and ugly" though I never did quite say it. Wish I did. Too well brought-up!

Ds2 also likes his personal space, and protects it by howling at the top of his voice if invaded. What else can you do if you can't talk!?

Original poster

hazeyjane · 17/10/2007 15:41

Slng, I have felt like saying that on more than one occasion. I know that I could be very reserved when I was little, my mum said that when I first went to school I didn't talk for the first few months, but that the teacher there didn't make a big deal of it, she kind of took me under her wing to make me feel a bit more secure, and didn't pressure me to join in with the things I was embarrassed about. I am very sociable now, and am pretty fearless when it comes to doing things like singing in public, but still hate that whole 'oh you're a killjoy if you don't want to join in with bla bla bla'.I'm glad that there are a few other people that think its not the end of the world to be, thoughtful or reserved (so much better than shy!)

OP posts:

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