Online Christmas shopping with non-tech elderly parent

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I'm in Ireland and we have been in lockdown for the past 2 and half weeks. All non essential shops and services not open.

The news reported on scenes of panic buying from people before the lockdown. My mother saw it on the news and began to panic. She was going to rush into town too and start Christmas shopping.

I had a job to calm her down in the kitchen. I sat down with my mother every weekend since the middle of October with my laptop and we did some Internet shopping together. My mother doesn't know how to use any technology including the Internet and she doesn't have a bank account or money card for online shopping.

I was more than happy to sit down with my mother for weeks. We did very, very, very well considering the circumstances of pandemic and lockdown. We are shopping for our family who live abroad in Australia. I have one brother at home and I helped with sourcing gifts from my mother and him too. We did very well. I was very happy and pleased. We got some beautiful gifts.

The way we worked things was I pay with my card and my mother pays me back with cash upon delivery. My mother decided not to pay me any of the delivery charges from the gifts that she picked out. This isn't my problem as such. It's disappointing how she wrote off some of the costs and was happy to leave them on my back. Thats not my issue though.

My issue - my mother was sitting down over the weekend with a toy catalogue in her lap. She has decided she wants to get more for my niece/her grandchild. My mother has more than enough gifts for her now. She has a toy and and jigsaw puzzle and there's another package on the way too with other bits from Claires accessories. Honestly I think she has done very well. I think we did very well under the circumstances but my mother doesn't know how or where to stop.

AIBU to walk away from my mother and bring a stop to the online purchases?

I really do think we have more than enough for the family in Australia now. Also my brother who lives abroad, I dont think he will appreciate loads of tat. He would prefer more thought put into something and get one good gift instead of loads of little ones.

Walk away and tell her to sort out the stuff on her own.

If she doesn't have a bank account how is she getting her money?

I think you are well within your rights to do so but also your mother is an adult and can spend her money as she pleases. I would have a frank conversation with her about the money and that she needs to either learn to do these things herself or that she is reliant on your and therefore you get to make decisions about her spending.

She can then choose. If she wants to continue spending set her up with a bank card, maybe something prepaid like a Monzo card would be easier for her to manage, and maybe help or train her do the shopping but it will be all at her expense.

I say this with some experience. However since my own grandmother has learnt to shop online she has actually become pretty capable and actually been a lot more independent and less fearful of 'the internet' as a whole.

“ My mother decided not to pay me any of the delivery charges from the gifts that she picked out. This isn't my problem as such. It's disappointing how she wrote off some of the costs and was happy to leave them on my back.“

Yes it is. She owes you money.

Say no more purchases.

Why are you letting her get away with the delivery charges? I wouldn’t, her stuff she pays. To be honest, as long as she’s paying in full for the order, why would you stop her? It isn’t your decision to decide when she’s bought enough.

"Oh I had a quick look and it turns out you forgot to pay me for the delivery. When you go to the bank could you get out the £X to pay me back for that?"

I'm not sure what you mean you "did well under the circumstances". There are plenty of gifts available, the pandemic hasnt affected that. If your mum wants to buy more gifts thats up to her. You would be within your rights to say you dont want to help her with online shopping.

She must have a bank account, or where does she get cash from? She could probably phone up and get a debit card pretty easily.

If you have family in Australia then surely she would like to facetime them. Perhaps its worth encouraging her to get an ipad and Internet connection so she can keep in touch more easily and then build on that with lessons on how to purchase online. You could help to get her set up with a bank account or top up credit card that she only uses online. Then work on her doing the shopping (and paying delivery) herself.
When my DF was terminally ill, I needed to teach DM how to text to start with. We went on gradually with email, facetime and online shopping. Gamechanger

There's a saying that's something about 'teach a man to fish' obviously relating to self sufficiency and independence.

Unless there is good reason relating to disability or poverty (in which case she shouldn't be sending presents all over the world) then she needs some sort of internet enabled device (a tablet is probably easiest) and a bank card that will allow her to shop online.

Otherwise she's unnecessarily limiting herself in the modern world.

It's a few years ago now, but I helped my DM buy a laptop despite her never using one before and there was a steep learning curve (watching her use a mouse to play solitare for the first time was painful ) but now she can shop and bank online, send emails, play games, scan receipts to claim the money back from some sort of health cash plan, alsorts.

I don't know what's available in Ireland, but in the UK, Barclays (I think) have some sort of IT help thing, but there's probably online tuition for beginners for all aspects of 'the internet'.

Using a card is also more secure than carrying large amounts of cash. Every so often you see awful reports about older people being robbed. And it's cleaner re covid - in the UK many shops are card only or strongly encouraged.

But yes, facetiming family all over the world is surely reason enough for her to join the 21st century?

My mother never needed a bank account before. She used to get the single parent payment, cash at the post office until the youngest turned 18. Then she got the dole. Now it's pension. It's picked up every week at the post office. We (me and siblings) did encourage her to get a bank account and she opened a bank account but never used it.

We thought her how to use a mobile phone about 10 years ago. She was able to text. Then she forgot how to use it or she stopped using it and then forgot. I did mention tablet device to her not so long ago but she's not interested

How does she get her money without a bank account in 2020? Surely she has one so should also have a debit card...

My Nan just bought an iPad during lockdown and it’s totally revolutionised her life. She was a teacher for 40 years before retiring and one of the reasons she retired early was because she couldn’t get to grips with computers. She did a few computer courses but never got much further than learning how to switch one on . Anyway, my Uncle is living with her and he showed her how to use the iPad so now she can email me which has totally transformed her life. I send her pics and updates of my DC and she’s so happy.

You should spend time teaching her how to use a tablet herself so she has some independence. She can buy her grandchildren as many gifts as she wants then and you won’t have to stump up the delivery charge (which is wrong, you shouldn’t have allowed that).

Yeah she taking the piss a bit. It's working out quite well for her isn't it you doing it all, saving herself a fortune.

It's a good idea with the tablet. I will look into some cheap/affordable tablets for facetiming at Christmas time.

I dont think you have any right to tell her she should stop buying or has too much already or interject opinions on how much or what you ASSUME other want enjoy recieving... not your money so not your right to control it.

You absoloutly should be annoyed about P&P though and thats why I would personally stop.

Does she understand she is sticking you with part of the cost, have you explained that it needs to be paid?

would she send a letter without a stamp or make a call then not pay the phone bill, well its the same thing basically.

Everybody confused about the no bank thing our post office in town always has a steady flow of elderly people cashing in checks, pensions and payslip things and wiring money, its not usual for the very elderly to not trust banks.