AIBU to just accept myself for who I am, rather than trying to change?

[diethelppls]

Just a bit of background information firstly, before I delve into the inner workings of my mind. I am 24, size 12 bottom and 10 top (think standard pear shape). I am 5ft 8. My BMI is just about too high, at 25; I carry most of my weight on my thighs/hips, so not much abdominal/visceral fat I would think. I have a fairly active job and love walking – I’d say my step count is over 15k 4/7 days a week. I am isolating currently due to COVID however when we can, I intend to start going to fun gym classes a couple of times a week with MIL. I don’t over eat – mostly under 1700 calories per day.
I have a bit of a complex history with food – from age 14 to about 20 I was more like an 8 bottom and 8/sometimes 6 top, however this was as the result of fairly severe restriction. At worst I was only eating one meal (eg. Chicken stir fry, chicken and chargrilled veg.. anything with chicken) and one small snack (eg. Freddo) per day. Also quite obsessed with ‘earning my calories’– never formally diagnosed with an eating disorder. Long history of clinical anxiety and (mild) depression.

DM has policed my weight since I was a teenager and I feel her attitude is one of the reasons I am so conflicted – some of you may possibly remember a thread I wrote months ago surrounding this. She is of the opinion that I look much better smaller, even though I have made it clear that I was only ever skinny through being quite ill and troubled. I catch my grandma asking her in whispered voices whether I’ve lost any weight yet. DM tells me ‘not to be eating too much’ when I stay with my boyfriend over the weekend. Basically with the way they speak, it is as though I am grossly overweight… and they don’t make much of a secret about it.

My problem is that, although I am aware their behaviour is borderline abusive, I find it very difficult to get out of the engrained mindset that I need to shrink myself because it has been so long that it has been drummed into me. My boyfriend’s and his family are the opposite of mine – they worry when they see any restriction from me and actively discourage it. These conflicting forces mean I spend my life in a cycle of ‘oh my god I am enormous, I need to starve myself’ and ‘this is what I look like now, I need to accept it’. Just lately I am veering more towards one meal a day again

I do STRONGLY prefer my body when I am smaller than I am currently and obviously according to BMI I could do with losing a few kg’s. However the only thing that has changed for me is that I am happier, more stable and now (mostly) eat like a normal human being. I don’t stuff myself with crap, I don’t eat carbs with every meal and I eat LESS than the daily recommended calories for a woman. I know I could lose weight, but I guess my question is should I focussing on that, if to do it I would have to compromise my recovery, and be hungry all the time? I don’t want to go back to obsessing and punishing myself but I feel trapped in this diet cycle.

Instead, should I be trying to learn to accept that this is what my body looks like now that I am healthier? That it’s normal not to look like I did when I was a teenager? And if so, do any of you have any books that you can recommend to me to help with this acceptance? Or should I be trying to lose some weight?

I am just struggling with this constant internal monologue and don't want to keep living like this

It sounds like you are doing a good job with emerging from your family abuse and the impact it has had on your MH. However, have you had any counselling?

I appreciate now is not an ideal time, but I think some targeted counselling around your relationship with your mother and therefore your relationship with your size would be really helpful.

You are happy and stable. That's bloody marvellous OP and a lot better than many of us are doing at the moment..Be kind to yourself.

I have an abusive mother and understand very well the struggle to see yourself as worthy, but sometimes people like us have to parent ourselves, because our own parents could not/would not do it - certainly not in the way we needed. By showing yourself all that love and care that you missed out on you should stay healthy happy and strong.

It also sounds as though your ILS are a really positive influence and are trying to parent you in a caring way?

Can you distance yourself a little from DM - physically mentally and emotionally?

You have said yourself that you are happier and healthier as you are now and that a thinner body came with the price of being restrictive and unhealthy which is not worth it. At a BMI of 25 you are only just borderline in the overweight category and I don’t actually think BMI takes into account all body types.

Do you really strongly prefer how you look thinner or could that be because when you are thinner you are not constantly bombarded with criticism of your weight from people who are supposed to love you? Constant criticism alters our own perceptions of ourselves.

You might find that if you can escape the constant criticism you actually start liking how you look now as well as how you feel.

In terms of diet, can you change it without restricting? So, limit or cut back any sugar, salt, any soft drinks like coca cola or any processed food.

Eat lots and lots of protein (fish, chicken, eggs etc), fruit and veg. Don't calorie count and don't go hungry but focus on really healthy food, and do things like weight lifting to build muscles.

I'm only saying this as I too prefer being smaller, and found myself much more energetic and healthy after I made these changes.

But you need to be careful about not starting an eating disorder again. What about talking to your GP or dietician about a careful approach to feeling healthier in yourself?

(Also, your family are bonkers and horrible, but sadly you know that already!)

My mother and grandmother are like this, in fact I could be you in every way. I’m a size that makes them happy when I’m ill or severely restricting myself, and I’m late thirties now, and have decided I’m just not doing it anymore.I’ll eat healthily to keep my body strong, but will no longer worry about having a flat stomach or flabby arms. I have wasted too much of my life on that.

I am happier, more stable and now (mostly) eat like a normal human being.

This. This is all you need to remember from your post.

Your mother's opinion does not count. Your grandmother's opinion does not count. No one else's opinion counts. And for yourself: happier and more stable VASTLY outweigh minor changes to how you look. You're doing great.

You need to move out.

Seriously

Can you afford to rent in a house share or make the next step with the nice boyfriend?

Your mom and gran do not have healthy relationships with food and now you're talking your unhealthy relationship with it, they're trying to sabotage you.

Next time gran whispers loud enough for you to hear say brightly "no granny, I'm really happy at this weight" then leave, same for Mom.

Do not put up with their food issues

You sound gorgeous! Seriously, I would love to be a pear, it’s so womanly.
I read “Just Eat It” by Laura Thomas and it was very helpful in coming to terms with my natural size (upper end of healthy BMI)
I am tall too and I struggle with feeling ‘bigger’ than most women. I have dealt with it by building muscle, just doing a few squats or push-ups when I boil kettle or after I use the loo. Any dieting starts out well, but soon degenerates into obsessiveness. Never want to go there again. You sound like you’ve got it together around food; don’t let your Mum and Grandma poison it.

I recognise you from another post you made. I'm not sure you could 'just decide' to accept being a normal weight as opposed to too thin, however much you want it. I say this because you have internalised years of abuse from your mother and the resulting eating disorder will run very deep.

The only way you can effect change and self acceptance is to move out and get therapy.

You haven't properly 'separated' from your Mum because she won't let you. She uses the eating disorder she gave you as a form of codependency and control. She is all sorts of fucked up and she wants you to be as well.

I really hope you can find the right help