AIBU - to not go in to work?

[CatLady1987]

Need a bit of advice on this one as I’m feeling guilty!

Basically, a close relative of my boss died this weekend. I don’t work Mondays and I’ve got Tuesday and Wednesday as annual leave as I need to use up holiday before Christmas and I was really looking forward to spending those few extra days with my LB (I work four days).

My boss has me and one other person as an assistant. It sounds as though (understandably) she’s not going into the office because of her bereavement.

My colleague (her other assistant) is meant to be on annual leave tomorrow. She texted me to say she was now going into work tomorrow.

Am I being unreasonable to not offer to go in? I would struggle to find childcare at this point as a relative normally cares for my LB but they have their own important stuff to sort and understandably thought they were off this week.

I’m torn up about it because I’ve had the worst year (not looking for sympathy) and spending time with my LB is so, so special and I don’t want to give that up, but...

I am feeling all kinds of guilty about it as it’s really busy at the moment and the job is seriously hard work even when the boss is there, let alone when they’re not. It is a big company so I guess it’s their job to cover but I feel like I’m really letting my workmate down by not offering to go in.

Please, no judgment - I’d just like some advice as to whether I’m being a horrible person or not. I do suffer with anxiety so things like this make me feel bad.

Thank you :)

If I could go in to help support someone who has just had a close bereavement I absolutely would offer. It wont make you a horrible person if you don't, but it will show you are a kind and considerate one if you do.

If you can't go in, you can't go in, you don't need to feel guilty about it as you know if you genuinely don't have a choice.

If childcare is hard to come by I wouldn't feel guilty. If I wasn't busy and had childcare id go in.

Na not your problem you can’t go in ! Leave them to sort it!

Sure you said your colleague is going in? So it’s covered surely?

I wouldn’t go in. I’d feel sorry for her loss, but that doesn’t mean you need to give up your days off.

Thanks folks.

@Heyahun - yeah, my colleague is going in but boss hasn’t been in touch to say she’s not but I’m guessing after a loss she isn’t going in and that’s why my colleague is. My colleague doesn’t have any kids but I appreciate she’s entitled to holiday irrespective of that.

I want to help and be there for my boss but it’s a big company and it’s their job to cover her workload, I’m still in ‘training’ in any event so I couldn’t do her job for her, or anything close to it.

The company wouldn’t thank me for it in any event. The only person I know would care is my colleague.

I keep thinking my boss has lost this relative, my priorities should be spending time with my son and treasuring the days we spend together ❤️

Will you actually enjoy your days off under the circumstances? It may be a waste of leave if your gonna spend your time off thinking about it and feeling guilty (you shouldn't btw). So I'd weigh that up. No point kn being off if your mind is gonna be thinking about work anyway!

Just say to your colleague “ I wish I could come in and help you out , tried to sort something out but I can’t get childcare“

@LouiseTrees

Just say to your colleague “ I wish I could come in and help you out , tried to sort something out but I can’t get childcare“

100% this. Over the years I’ve realised that work won’t thank you and home life balance is more important. Spend the time with your LB and don’t feel guilty. Life is too short and realistically work is covered and you going in wouldn’t change much anyway.

It sounds like your colleague has already offered for tomorrow, and probably understands that you wouldn't have childcare available on your day off anyway. Did she just have the one day of leave booked? If you're both due to be off Tues/Weds, then maybe you can look at whether you could offer to cover at least one, but if you don't have the childcare then don't feel guilty about it.
If anyone higher up asks about you cancelling holiday to cover, then it might be worth you asking whether you can carry the holiday forward to January if so.

Thanks again all :)

@Worriedaboutcovid19 - I’ll worry either way, haha. If I go in I’ll feel guilty about not being with my LB and if I don’t I’ll still feel guilty but I wouldn’t spend the entire time worrying as I’m with my son and he comes above that. It’s frustrating as working four days I only get three full days with him and they grow up so fast 🙈

@LouiseTrees - That’s a good idea. My colleague knows that my relative looks after him (so I don’t know if she thinks I can just come in) but with Covid I can’t ask anyone else to and said relative never gets any time off and has really important stuff to do.

Tbh my colleague shouldn’t have to go in either and I’m assuming that’s her choice. A company our size should be able to cover these things. I’d literally only be going in out if guilt for my colleague and boss - there’d be zero care given from the powers that be that I’d sacrificed holiday days to help them!

I wouldn't feel guilty. It sounds like both you and your colleague were booked off at the same time anyway (leaving just your boss) so now your colleague is in instead of your boss. Perhaps your colleague offered to come in knowing you've had a tough year.

@JeezLouisePlease - thank you too. Thing is I know me going in won’t make much difference, it’s more like the gesture of being a team player and showing I care, if that makes sense? But I know if I do it I’d regret missing precious time with my son who comes before them! Work life balance is such a hard thing to do and I’m his only parent so he needs this time with me.

@lanathum - she’s only got tomorrow off and I don’t work Mondays but I’ve got Tuesday and Wednesday off. I’ve only recently joined their team so they were managing on their own before. Sadly we can’t carry holiday over and can only sell it back, which I don’t want to do as it’s taxed again. I had 9 days to take before Xmas so had to use it up.

Ah, thank you all - I really appreciate your advice!

@perhapstomorrow - she knows bits of what my year has been like but not everything. I’m sure that’s definitely a part of it. She just gets crapped on all the time from work so it’s just unfair her giving up her time off :(

Absolutely don't go in. It's been covered, leave colleague to it and don't engage unless it's essential til you're due back in. You have a perfect excuse- childcare. Don't be a doormat and go in to be helpful- you won't be respected and it will be noted by colleagues who will think you're a doormat and can use you. I learnt the hard way but I'm wise now.

Enjoy the time off.

@MrsToothyBitch - thank you 😊