To just want to have a family

bananapancakes12 · 2020-11-08T20:05:38+00:00

I'm nearly 30 with a 4 month old DS. Have been on my own since 12 weeks pregnant with him. For as long as I can remember, all I've wanted is to get married and have a family. I've never been fussed on a big career, travelling etc. I've tried to alter my mindset, find new interests but really, my greatest wish is to raise my little boy, eventually meet someone decent and settle down and have more kids. I feel a bit pathetic admitting this, like I should be dreaming of more. Can I change these feelings?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 08/11/2020 20:19

Try to focus on getting a career, that will provide some distraction. That's what I've done/am doing.

I'm in a similar position. I'd love to meet someone and settle down and have one or two more children. I feel sad when I see families enjoying days out. It makes me feel more alone. I take my child out and we have a good time but it would be even better if we had another adult to enjoy it with. My child would be an amazing big sister but she's growing up quickly now and I'm left wondering if I'll ever meet someone.

Daffodil21 · 08/11/2020 20:23

This may not be helpful advice, but try and see the positives. As someone who would give anything for a child, meeting someone to settle down with doesn't seem impossible. Obviously it's hard, especially to raise a child on your own. But as far as 'family life' goes, you already have the hardest part

righttothepoint · 08/11/2020 20:23

show your son what a strong single mum can do for themselves and career wise.. you'll find someone along the way and get the rest!

Original poster

bananapancakes12 · 08/11/2020 20:55

Thank you x

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Idunnoyou · 08/11/2020 21:02

Harsh reality opinion:

You have 0 goals or ambition at 30. This is not attractive or good.

Idunnoyou · 08/11/2020 21:03

Your son especially not having a dad around needs to see a good role model.
Change your opinion for your child so he isn't one of these what less youths throwing fireworks at police officers.

ArmchairCritics · 08/11/2020 21:07

Christ @Idunnoyou, bit harsh....

OP, priorities can change over time; I was you in my mid-20s despite having a really good degree and career prospects and jacked it all in for a few years to be at home with my 2 kids who I had shortly afterwards. While I have no regrets now, my goals have completely changed and I now can’t wait to get back to work and better myself and provide for my family. Just because you feel like this now doesn’t mean you always will, more likely that you maybe haven’t found what you’re passionate about perhaps in terms of your career.

That said, even if you don’t, there’s nothing actually ‘wrong’ with how you feel, but you may find down the line if things don’t go to plan that your priorities have to change regardless.

Original poster

bananapancakes12 · 08/11/2020 21:13

@Idunnoyou

Your son especially not having a dad around needs to see a good role model. Change your opinion for your child so he isn't one of these what less youths throwing fireworks at police officers.

Crikey!

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VestaTilley · 08/11/2020 21:17

Not a bad ambition, OP.

BUT I’d focus on getting qualifications (if you need them) and getting a job- far more important your son sees you working. You already have a son; I’d be grateful for what you’ve got.

I’d also be wary about looking quickly for a relationship or appearing keen to men- there are awful men who prey on single mothers to get access to their children, or who are abusive to the mother also. Please be careful.

peakotter · 08/11/2020 21:30

Reading your post made me think about Kamala Harris, as I was just reading how her neighbour was a “second mom” and Kamala became part of a large family, while her single mum was working long hours.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. I think it’s fine to want a family, but don’t get hung up on having to find Mr Right. Extended family, friends and community can fill some or all of that gap. Nuclear families are a modern phenomenon and not very normal for humans throughout history.

Hiccupiscal · 08/11/2020 21:33

@Idunnoyou

Your son especially not having a dad around needs to see a good role model. Change your opinion for your child so he isn't one of these what less youths throwing fireworks at police officers.

Dont feed the trolls op, just trying to say something to hurt you. First one didn't get the reaction they wanted, so went in for this second post. Ignore.

Nutellacoconut · 08/11/2020 21:43

You have a family. Make it as perfect as you wish. A wedding and more kids may come your way and wanting that is nothing to be ashamed of. Plenty of people want that but don't let that desire take away from the blessing you have. To your son, you will be absolutely everything; his family.

Original poster

bananapancakes12 · 08/11/2020 22:08

@Nutellacoconut

You have a family. Make it as perfect as you wish. A wedding and more kids may come your way and wanting that is nothing to be ashamed of. Plenty of people want that but don't let that desire take away from the blessing you have. To your son, you will be absolutely everything; his family.

So true, thank you

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Daffodil21 · 08/11/2020 22:19

Sorry for my dick response. I had a horrible week and I'm also a little drunk. But...

I grew up in a single parent family and I can't explain to you how grateful I am to my mum for bringing me as she did solo. All my friends had two-parent families, but they were all interested in my relationship with my mum. It was always better and deeper than any of them had. You don't need a man to create a family, you can do that alone.
However, if you do want a partner that won't necessarily be badly received either. I was really happy when my mum introduced her bf to me. It did take her a little while, and actually her first relationship didn't work, but her second one did

PandaBabyJuly · 08/11/2020 22:24

@bananapancakes12

I had the same mindset as you OP when I had my daughter.
I was 21; single with a newborn and all I wanted was a family - what everyone else had.
Instead, I went back to college - got my GCSEs, did an access course, built an amazing life for me and my daughter, we have such a strong bond and all her friends say how lucky she is lol ....

She's now 9, I'm currently pregnant after meeting my partner and we're planning our life together whilst I continue with my university degree!
It can and does happen; focus on yourself and your son and good things will come; you can still have a family life - but concentrate on making the family you have now the best it can be for you and him

Original poster

bananapancakes12 · 09/11/2020 12:41

Thanks all. Just going to concentrate on my son and our life and hopefully meet someone along the way! 😊

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flaviaritt · 09/11/2020 12:44

You just had a baby 4 months ago, OP. Please don’t imagine this is indicative of how your whole life is going to be. Wait a few months, get a babysitter and try OLD. Ignore people on here - some of them are mean.

Original poster

bananapancakes12 · 09/11/2020 13:40

@flaviaritt

You just had a baby 4 months ago, OP. Please don’t imagine this is indicative of how your whole life is going to be. Wait a few months, get a babysitter and try OLD. Ignore people on here - some of them are mean.

Thank you :) I think OLD will probably be a good idea for me when I'm ready!

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Maldivesdream · 09/11/2020 13:45

@Idunnoyou

Harsh reality opinion:

You have 0 goals or ambition at 30. This is not attractive or good.

Gosh how rude and this was not needed. OP didn’t state what she did for a living.

Not that it matters what occupation you have OP probably would still feel like this regardless been a single mum whilst pregnant plus her baby is practically a new born! Her luck could change in a flash.

Mylittlesandwich · 09/11/2020 13:52

My mum was on her own with us. She hasn't met anyone (due to psychological damage from an abusive relationship). I honestly believe her when she says she's happy now. That's not to say that you won't meet someone but even if you didn't you and your son are your family. When he's older he'll be more interactive and you'll feel like you have company.

Original poster

bananapancakes12 · 09/11/2020 13:52

Thanks @Maldivesdream :) I'm a teaching assistant on mat leave. I do love my job but my son and family will always top that! I've never understood what some people gain from writing nasty comments on the internet. A false sense of superiority I suppose!

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OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/11/2020 13:55

I echo what others have said. Personally I wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with someone who saw me as their life goal (for want of a better phrase), as to me a relationship is about having separate interests as well as joint and should just be part of your life not all of it, it would make me feel a lot of pressure to be 'everything' to that person.

That said, motherhood can be lonely and isolating at the best of times and it's very normal to want someone to share it with, especially with a very young baby in a pandemic.

I would focus on filling your life with friends and interests, it doesnt have to be a 'big career', just things you are passionate about. Give your son the best life you can. Someone who is fun and and busy and has their own passions and goals is much more interesting and attractive than someone who is desperate to settle down and put a relationship at the centre of your life. It makes you a lot less vulnerable (putting up with shit elements of a relationship because you don't want to be single so much) and gives you other things to focus on if meeting someone etc takes longer to happen than you would like...it also makes it more likely you will meet someone you've got things in common with, if you're out there doing something you like and meeting others...whether that's a hobby, work, education etc

LindaEllen · 09/11/2020 14:23

@Idunnoyou

Harsh reality opinion:

You have 0 goals or ambition at 30. This is not attractive or good.

Bollocks. She has goals and ambitions - she wants to live in a warm, loving family and raise children. Just because they're not the same as YOUR ambitions doesn't make them any less valid.

OP: I know from bitter experience that I never find a partner when I'm obsessing over looking for one. The only way I found my partner was focussing on myself and living my life - and he popped up when I least expected it.

You WILL find someone, but even if you don't, you and your little boy are already a family, and nobody can take that away from you. Enjoy his early days, spend lots of precious time together, and when the time is right you can perhaps think about working or even getting some kind of hobby to get yourself back out there. But for now, be content :).

Original poster

bananapancakes12 · 09/11/2020 16:23

Thank you :) I'm absolutely loving motherhood so far. The only problem is, I want more of them I will definitely be taking the advice given here of enjoying DS's early days, and dating when the time is right :)

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