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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to see MIL for a couple of weeks?

21 replies

MacDuffsMuff · 08/11/2020 14:26

MIL is widowed and lives alone. DH and I both work full time (he works from home just now) so we can only really see her at the weekends although sometimes it's just me if DH working, as he is today.

Now we're back in lockdown, we were going to take it turn about to go over to go for a walk with her. We're not really in a 'bubble' as such because she sees different friends for walks every day, which we encourage because we don't want her to be lonely, but we ring her most days and make sure that she has everything she needs. She normally has a very active social life but we've had to speak to her several times regarding keeping her distance from people as she 'forgets'.

Anyway the problem at the moment is that we have had a member of staff at my work (school) test positive for Covid. I have not been asked to self-isolate as it is deemed that I haven't had close contact with that person but I am concerned as I've had an email this morning to say that two other staff members are awaiting test results, both of whom I have had contact with (not close but I share a classroom with one and a temporary staffroom with the other). I am really careful with handwashing/sanitising and not sharing equipment but I would never forgive myself if I were to pass something on to MIL (she's 78). I just want to do the right thing, so want to wait until these other test results are in before going over to see her.

I've just had the most passive-aggressive call from her. 'I'm sure I'll be quite alright and not lonely at all'. 'I understand if you don't want to come over I don't want to be a burden'. You get the picture. Am I being over cautious?

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 08/11/2020 14:30

We have seen my mil maybe 3 times since March all to do with lockdown and her being vulnerable health wise.

I’m in a bubble with my own mum and my mil is in a bubble with her daughter so we don’t want to be mingling with too many people considering dd is mixing with other pupils and I mix with quite a few children through work too. Too much of a risk for her.

I honestly couldn’t care what anyone else’s opinion on us not visiting her, it’s for her own good!

M0rT · 08/11/2020 14:31

I'm high risk so try to keep informed about Covid risks and while hand washing is important it's primarily spread through breath.
So if you mean you use a classroom at the same time as your colleague waiting to be tested then you should keep your distance from your MIL.
Also just on principle I pretend not to get pass agg comments, so I would respond with "that's great, I was worried. I'm so glad you'll be fine 🙂"
Hope you don't have it 🤞

burglarbettybaby · 08/11/2020 14:34

I am actually going through the exact same thing. We told mil and are really restricted (5KM) But she visited the other day and came into the house despite me telling her (gently) that I taught a pupil who tested positive for covid Monday. She then rang for us to visit which I won't.

BlueJava · 08/11/2020 14:35

Of course you aren't being over-cautious. I wouldn't see an elderly person (or anyone else) in these circumstances. I don't know the specific guidelines on whether you should isolate or not but if you've shared a space with someone who is +ve it makes complete sense to stay separate until you know for sure whether you have it.

If it's any comfort my own parents (80's) seem to have all sorts of misunderstanding around isolation and distancing. They aren't going out much at the moment but they say things like "Only NDN came round, he's find, spends a lot of time outside" (which my Ddad seems to think means he is unlikely to have CV19). Or when my Dmum went for her flu jab they said "They didn't both with social distancing, they let us in together" (but my parents live together anyway so I am not surprised). Perhaps she is just a bit confused, but YANBU to stay away.

SengaMac · 08/11/2020 14:35

You've fully explained your reasons to her?
If so, follow M0rT's suggestion.

PullTheBricksDown · 08/11/2020 14:40

Sounds like this would be a good time for your DH to step up a bit, either by taking on your visits himself, or by ringing his mum more often for a while.

MacDuffsMuff · 08/11/2020 14:43

Yes I've explained it fully to her. She's also as sharp as a tack. I know she's elderly but she seems to understand very well until it doesn't suit her Grin. She's always been a bit like that and on most occasions, it doesn't matter but in the current circumstances I feel she needs to tow the line a bit to keep herself safe. And I don't want to feel guilty for trying to keep her safe!

OP posts:
SugarCoatIt · 08/11/2020 14:46

You are not being over cautious at all, you are being very considerate.

You've nothing to feel guilty about OP.

tara66 · 08/11/2020 15:00

Tell her you're glad she doesn't want to be a burden but does like a bit of melodrama!

Nottherealslimshady · 08/11/2020 15:04

She sees other people so I dont see the issue. I cant imagine going to see my PILs on my own unless for a specific reason tbh though.

MatildaTheCat · 08/11/2020 15:05

I would be tempted to add an extra week for the burden comment but then, I’m quite easily enraged.

Be firm, it’s very likely to happen again if you work in a school. Can you FaceTime with her instead?

cptartapp · 08/11/2020 15:16

Don't feel guilty. She sounds like she likes her own way. Selfish and manipulative. That won't improve as she ages.
Step back. Let your DH deal with her.

MacDuffsMuff · 08/11/2020 15:22

Can you FaceTime with her instead?

Christ no. We tried a Zoom call at the start of lockdown - my blood pressure couldn't handle another attempt ...

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 08/11/2020 15:30

This is where you hand the phone to your DH and say 'Deal with this.'

MacDuffsMuff · 08/11/2020 15:36

This is where you hand the phone to your DH and say 'Deal with this.'

Well I'm close to MIL and we have a good relationship, which is why I worry about her I suppose. DH is working today anyway.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 08/11/2020 15:42

Sure, but you did say he was working from home now. Can't he carve a few minutes out of that to speak to his mum? It's lovely that you have a close relationship with your MIL and long may that continue, but your DH should also do his bit.

LouiseTrees · 08/11/2020 15:45

I would say to her. I really do want to come and it’s absolutely not a burden but I’d never forgive myself if I did unknowingly pass something to you. Can we evaluate in a few days after I know if they are positive or not?

JillofTrades · 08/11/2020 15:53

Yanbu. You are doing this from a place of care for her. She must be quite upset as was probably looking forward to it.

BreatheAndFocus · 08/11/2020 15:54

YADNBU. She has company so it’s not like she’s going to be all alone. If she keeps trying the passive aggressive crap, tell her you’ve checked the situation with your work (or whoever) and have been told to keep in your current bubble so as to not risk the health of MIL/her friends/vulnerable adults/vulnerable children/whatever will work with her.

I don’t like passive aggressive comments so I’d clearly correct her and explain it’s nothing to do with ‘being a burden’ and everything to do with following guidelines and controlling the virus’s spread as much as possible.

MacDuffsMuff · 08/11/2020 16:13

but your DH should also do his bit.

He does, honestly. He speaks to her most days, at least every other day and in normal circumstances when he's not WFH, he's over there to make sure she's ok a couple of times a week because his office is close to her house. To be honest, I don't need him to sort anything out for me, I can do that myself, I just really wasn't sure if I was being too cautious at the moment. I know it's hard being on her own but I would never want to put her at risk IYKWIM.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 08/11/2020 16:58

You will have to be firm with her and say that it is not your choice not to see her or to visit. This is what has to happen when someone, anyone has been advised to self-isolate. This is not up for further discussion and while you empathise greatly with her because you can visit or do her shopping for her or whatever, Covid is not something to be gambled with and you're definitely not willing to take any chances so you will see her in 10 or 14 days or whenever and that's all there is to it.
That's what I would do.

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