How do I get closer to my mum?

[Jimbellselmbath]

Not an AIBU but who cares?

I'm just not that close to my mum but I want to be

I am the fourth born, only girl and my brothers are a lot older than me. I know they wanted a girl so I was much wanted and loved as a child

I live 6 miles away, different suburb of the same city.

I can't go there to their house as they smoke and their house stinks of cigs. We all come out wheezing and hair and coats and clothes need washing. No exaggeration, it's awful. I moved out at 17 as I was aware I stunk and I have never smoked so it was awful.
I went today for the first time in years and it was minging. Honestly i couldn't breathe. My mum sat watching a quiz show and making no conversation. I just sat there at the back door in silence.
We invite my mum to places and she won't come as it's too far/expensive etc. She never calls down to see the kids/ Sunday lunch etc.
She's not old and still works full time.
I don't know how to include her in our lives.
DH desperately wants to move a few hours away but I don't want to take the children away from my family even though they don't make an effort. His family would come and see them regular. Can't see mine making an effort tbh. They are so much closer to his family than mine. I'd drive them back to visit them once a month but mine, bloody hell would be like sticking pins in my eyes
Feel in a limbo

I must add, my mum is very generous with money and gifts and never forgets birthdays etc. Lovely gift coming for dc2 next week. Just the physical presence, I think because nothing has changed this year while others are missing their families, my contact has remained the same and neither of us seem to be missing each other despite no huge distance

nothing has changed this year while others are missing their families,

Watching with interest as I feel the same about relationship with my parents. Feel like a freak because I don't really care that I haven't been able to see them despite them only being a few miles away. I've called them a few times to check they're okay and ask if they need shopping etc., but I wouldn't call just for a chat the way some people talk to their parents everyday.
It can be a very lonely existence.

Maybe if you lived further apart, you'd all make more of an effort?

Hopefully we'll both get some ideas from your thread, so thanks for starting it.

I think that's what it is that has done it for me. We had a fantastic opportunity to move abroad with dh's job years ago but we didn't go. My fault, I would've felt too isolated etc. but tbh I would've made friends and had my mum visited once a year for a week, we would've seen her more than we do now. I feel weighed down by something invisible.

Perhaps what you feel weighed down by is fear obligation or guilt ?

Fog
Google it
Or look it up on here

I think if you’ve not missed her in this amount of time that speak volumes
Perhaps she’s depressed ?
But perhaps this will never change

Just don’t let her hold you back from doing what you want

I think you have an idolized idea of a relationship to have with your mum, unfortunately this is something she doesn't seem to share. I doubt she will change nor can you change her and the reality is she isn't someone, I suspect, that you would choose to spend time with if you were not related.

Please embrace that she is alive and well, make phone calls to her but try not to expect more and if moving away will bring new opportunities look at these as a positive and don't let the idea of the relationship with your mum hold you back x