To ask for advice.

[Princessposie]

Posting here for traffic. I’m at breaking point and need advice.

My marriage ended after 20+ years together. I was a teenager when we met he was late 20s. He was controlling throughout and would make our decisions, but he was kind and helpful with practical things. No romance.

I ended it over a period of about two years. 9 months after he moved out I met someone and all hell broke loose.

I’ve been with DP about 18m, Since this time ex has involved friends and family, told people I had an affair, denigrated me to anyone who would listen, including DD. He has moved so far away he cannot offer any support with childcare. Today I’ve had more messages about the things he’s been saying about me.

I’ve lost so many people, and my lovely DP, who I love just looks broken too - he doesn’t deserve this. He’s constantly having to pick up the pieces of this mess.

I don’t know what to do for the best. My ex would be happier if I was single and unhappy, my DC would miss DP bit would probably be happy that my ex was being nicer to me/ not bringing her into it. Do I let my lovely DP go - I’m not sure how much more I can take.

I don’t have family, so it really will just be me and DD against the world without my wonderful DP.

YANBU - let DP go
YABU- try harder to make this work

You can make this work. I feel for you, I've had almost 7 years of hell from ExH, similar issues with lies, telling the DCs absolute shit about me etc.

When he walked out his last words to me were that he'd see me dead before he'd let me be happy with anyone else.

I've been with DP almost 5 years now, the DCs adore him, and ExH hates it. I am so happy and settled, and I am total no contact with exH now.

Talk to your DP, if he loves you he'll support you and DD through this, but do not let ExH win by allowing him to drive a wedge.
Who cares what he tells people, you know the truth, and it will all come put eventually- it always does.

Keep your chin up, sending a very big unmumsnetty hug for you xx

Thank you so much for replying. Sometimes it just feels like I’m living someone’s life. I can’t believe it’s so awful.. and it’s mine

He’s taken a lot from you, please don’t let him take your happiness too ❤️

To be honest, anyone who claimed to be a friend but hasn't asked your side of his claims isn't anyone worth keeping in your life. Anyone passing on what he's saying without you asking about it is also not worth keeping around.

So if they aren't worth keeping around then it doesn't matter what they think. Block anyone who falls into the two categories above.

You say ex doesn't help with childcare, does this mean he has no set contact with DD? Block him as well, email address if he wants to organise anything with DD but other than that what he does/says/thinks is of no concern.

Enjoy life with your new DP. Take control of your own narrative.

He has contact most weekends at some point, but doesn’t always tell me in advance his plans. I think it depends on his plans.

He reached out to almost everyone in our life to give them his version, I haven’t done the same because I didn’t want to get drawn into a dramatic mess, so many people just blindly believe his version. It has been really eye opening

He rings our DD on my phone though, so I can’t block him. She adores him and unlike him, I haven’t been negative about him to her.

That's so disappointing that people have believed him...though I'm wondering whether they actually do or if they've simply let him waffle on. Do they no longer speak to you because of him?

Get DD a 2nd hand brick phone with a pay as you go sim in it. He can contact her on that, get him off of your phone.

That’s a good idea. I’ll do that re; the phone. Thank you.

I just want it all to stop, but I think I have a decade of this left

Talk to your dp, tell him about how you feel. If he knows you can understand the impact on him it will help him bear it, to feel understood and also he can talk to you about how he genuinely feels. It might be there is a point beyond which he can't take it, or that he'd see hell freeze over before he let go this wonderful relationship he's found.
Communicate openly together, that you care for his discomfort so much you would be prepared to let him go free, says a lot about your love, but don't choose for him, that would be the ultimate slap in the face, if he is shouldering a burden, he is doing it of his own accord and it comes from as place of love, it's a gift of the truest kind so don't remove his choice from that. Talk to him.

He has contact most weekends at some point, but doesn’t always tell me in advance his plans.
Sounds as if you'd be better making formal contact arrangements through the courts - if every weekend is left unorganised to cater for the fact that he might descend and take the children at some point when it suits him, it's another way of allowing him to control you (and the lives of children and new partner).

How do you know people believe his version?

If they truly have, then break contact. Get off social media if that is where you are obsessing. You don't have to take 'much more of this' - you don't have to take any of it at all. Get off SM. Live your life.

Honestly, why are you allowing your ex to take up so much real estate in your head to the point where self-pity overwhelms reality?