To think DH is being selfish and rude?

[DixitWinner]

I was pissed off that my DH woke me up at 9am this morning. He woke me up to talk to me, then he went and put football on downstairs. Unfortunately you can hear the TV quite well in our bedroom, so have to put in on low if someone is in bed. He didn’t put in on low and had also left the bedroom door open, so I couldn’t get back to sleep because of the noise. By the time I asked him to turn it down, I was fully awake.

Bit of back story: I am normally up before 9am. However, I had a sinus op just under 3 weeks ago. Two weeks off work is recommended (I took one week as busy) with 3/4 weeks suggested as the time to feel normal again. I slept/vomited my way through the first week due to the pain.

It’s been a busy couple of weeks since then, and I haven’t really stopped, with kids stuff in evenings as well as work etc. I was in the office yesterday for quite an intense and long day.

I am on call for work this weekend (social care) and took a call at 12.30am last night about an incident so was then awake for a little while. DH works full time in a physically demanding job, I work 4 days - often from home but still pretty stressful and busy. I did not wake him, I took the call in another room.

DC are at their dads, so today was the first quiet morning we’ve had for a fortnight. I got out of bed about 10.30am, started to help DH with cleaning (the house was a tip and he had already made a good start) then felt totally floored really quickly and sat back down again. Lunch was delivered, I’d already pre-ordered it as a treat and it was lovely.

We ate that together and then I went back to bed and slept all day. There was so much I wanted to do today, but just slept and slept, feeling totally drained, in the the same way I did in the first week after the op. DH asked if I wanted to walk the dog with him, but I wanted to sleep.

I came down at about 6pm, feeling a little more normal but still tired,made myself a snack (DH had eaten) thanked DH for the cleaning and tidying (we were both supposed to do this today and then go to for a walk) and said sorry I hadn’t been much company.

He flounced past a minute ago and when I asked what was wrong, complained that I had left crackers on the side, apparently got “cheese on the sofa” and that it felt like a slap in the face to him after he spent the whole day cleaning. I am quite a messy person, and I did forget to put the stuff away after I made a snack.

However, he did not “spend the whole day” cleaning, it would have taken a few hours at the very most. He spent a lot of it watching football and took the dog for a walk. He didn’t even have make lunch or dinner for himself (there was quite a bit left over from the morning).

He is has now dragged Henry the hoover upstairs and is banging about up there and hoovering in an exaggerated fashion. (He couldn’t do it earlier as I was in bed). I don’t think he is talking to me.

AIBU to think that he is being a bit of a dick? He has form for behaving like a stroppy child when he is annoyed, and then apologises afterwards when he he has calmed down, but I am really not in the mood for it tonight and feel quite tearful.

I think the fact you're tearful maybe has you thinking this is an issue. Tbh if I cleaned and someone made a mess like not clearing up after themselves I would be annoyed to.

Except from waking you up. Don't understand why some people do this I don't think he has done anything wrong.

Both the things you describe would have annoyed me to be honest. I hate being woken up, I also hate DH leaving a mess. However it does sound as though you are tired post op so I think your DH is in the wrong and should have cut you some slack over the crackers mess.

Read your post from your DH perspective. Can you see he is ticked off at your inconsiderate behaviour? The 12:30 call - did it disturb him? He needs to vocalise his issue rather than be petulant, but it is clear why though.
Make it up to him somehow. The weekend is not finished yet.

I think you were inconsiderate. He spent hours cleaning and you couldn’t even pick up after yourself; not only that, but you describe yourself as a messy person so he’s having to put up with this continual behaviour regularly.

You just haven't communicated well, which is totally understandable.

You should've just said last night "tomorrow I need a lie in, please do not disturb me and don't make too much noise"

YABU but I think that's mainly because you're poorly

Okay, fair enough, maybe I am the one being a little unreasonable then

Re: me not cleaning up after myself. For the sake of total transparency, I have ADHD and behaviour like that is an ongoing issue. It isn’t deliberately lazy or inconsiderate, I just completely forget once I’ve done the main part (which was making myself the snack and eating it 😂). I understand how selfish and hard to understand it is for other people though, and think that is why he has reacted so badly to it.

I also think he could have cut me a bit of slack today though. Maybe he doesn’t realise how genuinely tired I still am, as I’ve been okay this week.

I was really appreciative to come down to such a nice environment, it looked really nice and cosy, the cheese thing just seemed all a bit much I do pull my weight in other areas of our lives though and am a caring and considerate partner, but need to keep working on how important this sort of stuff is to to him.

I might even say sorry to him @BiggapTwins We have now swapped places, and he came downstairs and I flounced up past him.

Both in the wrong for different things I think.

He for waking you - sleep is really crucial to post op recovery. Not just because it takes a lot out of you but it's when most tissue and other repair occurs and it allows fluid and hormonal imbalances etc to be corrected. Frankly you really should have taken the 2 weeks off min, recovery time guidelines are well researched.

You are for not cleaning up after yourself - I honestly could not live with someone like you (I have dx ocd). JUST as we say of messy men on here it's not just annoying in terms of the immediate mess and having to clean up after you but at its heart such behaviour is selfish and disrespectful.

It sounds like you both lack clear, assertive communication skills. Something you maybe need to work on? Likely be very useful for you in your job too?

Doesn't need to be confrontational or accusatory.

"When you woke me up that made me feel irritated and sad because I really am feeling still exhausted from the op. Can you please be more considerate of my need for more rest at the moment? I'd really appreciate it"

"When you didn't clean up after yourself that made me feel annoyed and disappointed. Can you please make sure you clean up after yourself it makes it easier for both of us if we keep on top of keeping home clean and tidy."

Not saying I'm prefect or anything it's taken me years and learning from mistakes in communication with first ex and then dd to learn to take a breath and say how I feel and what I would like them to change in a calm but assertive manner.

Dd is still learning too. I was on the phone to her the other day and someone came in her room to ask to borrow something. She was annoyed at being interrupted while on the phone and that they hadn't knocked first. Wee "ffs" under her breath but then I heard her say "please knock and wait for me to answer before coming in my room and if I'm on the phone wait till I'm finished. I'm happy to lend you x but you could have waited a wee while" and I heard the person apologise and ask her to let them know when she was free.

This is a huge improvement for her as she's quite introverted and this kind of thing really doesn't just annoy her but makes her feel "invaded"?

I'm wondering if you've had the op I was considered for some years back. Is it to correct a deformed septum?

Wishing you well with your recovery.

I think.you are both in the wrong. Did he know you took a call late? If it didn't disturb him. He may have thought you'd got more sleep than you did. Someone making a mess after I'd spent hours cleaning would have driven me nuts too.

Okay so you’ve both been a bit unreasonable and annoying toward each other. 9:30 isn’t particularly early but you were tired. He hadn’t spent all day cleaning but he had cleaned only for you to make a mess. Annoying petty stuff really. Just let it go, life is way too short.

For the sake of total transparency, I have ADHD and behaviour like that is an ongoing issue. It isn’t deliberately lazy or inconsiderate, I just completely forget once I’ve done the main part (which was making myself the snack and eating it 😂).

No, I don’t think you can use ADHD as an excuse for this type of behaviour. You clean as you go - you get something out, you put it away.

You don’t “forget” - objects don’t become invisible the minute you’re done with them. You can still see them and see they don’t belong there.

I was really appreciative to come down to such a nice environment, it looked really nice and cosy,

You say this, but at the same time belittle his efforts by saying it was “a few hours at most” rather than a whole day, as though a few hours isn’t worth appreciating.

I think if this situation was reversed and the man was sleeping/making a mess and the woman was cleaning, then the man would be being lambasted.

My son has ADHD and is one of the tidiest people I know. He knows he forgets so tidies as he goes.
I wouldn't have been happy if I had to clean up after DP if he left a mess when I'd spent time cleaning.
The tiredness thing, I don't think you can be annoyed with your other half If you have chosen to go back to work against doctors Advice. That's your choice.

@emilyfrost - that is exactly how an ADHD brain works! It is hard to track things when you are not engaged with them. I often lose my car in car parks, because I am concentrating on going to the shop when I leave the car, or lose my debit card after paying at the till. It is as if your brain focuses on the step you are on, and can see what is coming next, but the previous step you took just sort of disappears. Medication helps but it doesn’t eradicate these issues entirely, and the forgetfulness gets worse when tired or stressed.

If the “you get something out, you put it away, you don’t forget it’s there” was so simple then all the other inattentive traits would be easy to overcome and ADHD adults wouldn’t take medication to be able to function in daily life.

I have apologised to DH though as I can see now that I have been the inconsiderate one. He already makes accommodations to live with me in daily life, and has put work into understanding how my brain is affected. But he is only human and there are days a when he loses patience. I can also be very defensive about it, which doesn’t help.

Thank you @Graphista I could be a clearer and more assertive, you are right, and he could too.

@supersonicginandtonic - I have heard of people with ADHD who are actually super tidy and organised as part of coping with it.

I have never met one though but maybe that is mainly because I know mainly adult women with it, and women are more like UTI suffer with predominantly inattentive symptoms rather than hyperactive ones. I don’t know that to be true for certain, just musing based on people I know.

No idea where UTI came from. I don’t think ADHD women are any more likely to suffer from UTI’s

Sorry,yabu,whilst I acknowledge you are run down you are treating your dp unfairly and painting yourself as a victim here.
But I hope you recover soon and get back on your feet.

@DixitWinner -- You Diamond You

@emilyfrost - This article explains the “out of sight” out of mind effect better than I can.

www.additudemag.com/adhd-cluttered-environment-strategies/amp/

But, as even the author concludes, it is important to keep working on it out of love and respect for your partner. I should have apologised straight away about the cheese. Unfortunately, in that moment I thought he was being unfair, and I thought that other Mumsnetters would agree. It seems not, so it is my behaviour that I have acknowledged and I have apologised. Hopefully tomorrow will be a much better day

Also, I should have definitely have taken the full two weeks off. I didn’t want to let my colleagues down at a time of already being under pressure , but shouldn’t have been a martyr about it at home either.

I can understand you forgetting where you've parked your car but not noticing a lump of cheese or a packet of crackers on the worktop, not so much.