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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel irritated I can't alter things

20 replies

Imjustagirlx · 07/11/2020 13:36

I live in my old child hood home.for 11 years it's been mine (30 year mortgage) partner came on it 8 years ago. I haven't worked for 4 years due to having children. Partner's wage is enough for us right now.

My parents owned this before me and they had high conifers out the front. Nice and private. They also had shrubs and plants. My dad is a keen gardener. Lots of ponds, feature walls. Decking etc. Plants. Boarders.

I must admit I wasn't good at gardening when I was 20 and not interested but now I'm 31 I'm looking for a more grown up feel. My dad's projects have left things in an odd shape. So we've kept it very simple. Pebbles down the boarders. Cut the bit of grass we have. We removed all shrubs.

Partner trims the hedge a couple of times a year. But he's letting it get taller. He likes the greenery he says. Plus the privacy. But I hate it now and feel it limits how modern I can make things.

I want a project. I'm so bluddy bored!! So I would like to put some slate down the boarders. Paint the walls and gates. Hopefully get some pots and hopefully next spring and summer I can have some colour out there. Maybe even a bench. Paint my front door maybe too.

But I can't get him interested. Excuses like the kids being young and slate being sharp. They don't even play out the front alone! It costing money. Etc. The boarders are tiny so it won't be expensive.

He never sorts the weeds or anything either.

So today I decided to get some bleach and scrub the front door etc. Wanted to pressure wash the slabs too. Felt inspired after a walk and seeing some of the little new builds with nice details around the corner.

Tried to talk to him about my visions. Explained this and that. He's just not interested. I said I would trim the hedge. He said he would do it because it's hard work. I'm capable! Then I told him to leave it as I wanted to get stuck in and be positive and I could tell he wasn't interested.

I can't get him to ever take interest but he's also never keen on me starting it. I think it will cost hardly anything if we do it gradually. A tenner for gates. Maybe another tenner eventually to paint the wall. The slate eventually would be about £30 for that small area. Then a few pots etc when we can afford it.

What do you do in this situation? Just never have things how you want them because your partner can't be bothered? Or just wants an ugly hedge nobody can see over. I want some character.

I'm sick of my parents saying how crap it looks too.

Should I just do my own thing or do I have to respect his choices?

Obviously I'll be leaving the hedge.

OP posts:
Seafog · 07/11/2020 13:41

Seriously just get stuck in and do it. He can join you if he is inspired and can stay out of your way if not.

IncandescentSilver · 07/11/2020 13:46

So I would like to put some slate down the boarders. Paint the walls and gates. Hopefully get some pots and hopefully next spring and summer I can have some colour out there. Maybe even a bench. Paint my front door maybe too.

Whats a boarder?

Why on earth don't you just do it yourself? I've done much bigger stuff than that myself, its very satisfying. You don't need a man...

Shaniac · 07/11/2020 13:46

Just do it. Its your property as well, you would be doing the work and as you said he does nothing not even pulling up weeds. If you have the money do it. My dp is the same he always says no to me doing something even though he ends up loving it when i do it.

Shaniac · 07/11/2020 13:48

She means border.

Why on earth don't you just do it yourself? I've done much bigger stuff than that myself, its very satisfying. You don't need a man...

Of course she doesnt need a man. Shes just wondering if she would be unreasonable going against her dp who has told her no. Which ofc she isnt.

lazylump72 · 07/11/2020 13:48

I would hesitate a guess that he probably thinks it is a bigger job than it actually is and maybe that he feels he s il equipt to carry it out to a decent standard..my dh does this and it comes across to me that he is being nonchelant and awkward but thats really not the case! Maybe you could have a little go at sketching out some before and afterwards ideas on how you see things with the focus on less upkeep to do and freeing him up from having to maintain it...lie if you like its only a white one!!! Once its done it will look so much better and maybe add additional value to the house? anythng you think he may want to hear!! Other than that you attack when he is at his most vulnerable and not in a position to say no and you know what I a hinting at OP it always works for me!!!! Leave it a week then try again from a new angle and see ifyo have more success...failing that tell him what you are doing and get the proffessionals in!!! Try the charm offensive first though!!!You know how exhausted he is and how you want ot free up his time so he can do things he enjoys more and getting rid of this would be better for all of you no end....good luck!

MaskingForIt · 07/11/2020 13:51

I can’t work out why you have lodgers in your garden.

But anyway, if you want to paint/plant/whatever, then just do it. You don’t need him to hold your hand or give permission.

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/11/2020 13:53

YANBU just do it bit by bit. The only part where you’re BU is turning down DH offer to trim the hedge. My DH is similar, the hedges is all he does but I find if I get him out there I can then ask him to help me with a mass weeding or seed collection or moving heavy planters around. Or even his second favourite, he’ll happily power wash the patio when he’s got the power washer out to wash his car anyway.

Imjustagirlx · 07/11/2020 13:58

Sorry borders!

I think I'll paint the gates first.

Anyone on here knowledgeable about amounts?

My borders are about 4 meters long and a foot wide. How much slate would I need?

I think I'm going to have to just do it and hope he likes it. I feel like it will go to pot if I wait for him to want to present the front of the house better.

Also anyone got any experience painting s pvc front door? Is it easy and cheapish?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 07/11/2020 14:07

Just pack his bag, leave it outside the door and tell him its over.. Honestly hun you deserve better.

Smallsteps88 · 07/11/2020 14:13

Is it just the garden he’s not bothered about or does this apathy extended to cleaning and keeping the house tidy and looking after the DC too?

MaskingForIt · 07/11/2020 14:16

Painting PVC is always going to look tacky. Leave it as it is, if it isn’t made of wood.

Mischance · 07/11/2020 14:19

You are interested in garden design and gardening; he is not. Don't be annopyed with him - he cannot share all your enthusiasms. Just do it!

NoSquirrels · 07/11/2020 14:20

Don’t paint a PVC door.

Otherwise crack on with it. Trim the hedge, paint the fences- he can look after the kids while you get stuck in. He’s not actually forbidden you, has he?

Get your dad round to help - that usually motivates my DH if I threaten to ask my dad instead if it’s a job I need strength lending to...

mummyoneboy19 · 07/11/2020 14:52

You’ll want your slate a couple of inches thick, and don’t forget the weed suppressant underneath - it’s easy to lay :)

Don’t paint a pvc door! It won’t look good and may chip and peel away.

If you’ve got hedges, possibly white stones might look better than slate? I always find slate ends up looking a bit dull and compounded by the shade of the hedges it might end up looking a bit drab? Only you know the light situation though! :)

Imjustagirlx · 07/11/2020 16:37

Great tips. Won't paint the door got it!

I'll look at white stones! Thank you!!!

I've ordered the paint to start the gates. Just going to have a try. .
Hopefully he will be interested If I begin.

OP posts:
Jroseforever · 07/11/2020 16:38

I am bored senseless by garden stuff

You aren’t

Can’t you grasp people have different interests.

Simarilion · 07/11/2020 16:49

I would not recommend white stones- they won't stay white and look awful when leaves fall on them or weeds grow. Slate would be much lower maintenance- and plants would be much nicer! I love gardening and do everything - DP will put out garden waste bin but has done nothing else, and frankly likely to kill plants if he tried to help. If you care & your DP doesn't you'll just have to do it yourself - which means total control over the design!

Lalastepmum · 07/11/2020 16:55

Do it yourself! It is so rewarding to see the finish product. When I was with my ex I always thought I couldn’t but when he left I just cracked on. I learnt as I went along.

Enjoy!

MatildaTheCat · 07/11/2020 17:15

Putting down slate won’t stop weeds. Just makes it harder to get the buggers out.

If you want a bit of a hobby and a project just crack on. I adore my garden and like the fact that I can make all the decisions about it. DH likes sitting in the garden with a glass of wine. All good.

I was a bit sad about you pulling up all the shrubs. If I’m honest what you are proposing sounds a bit soulless. Gardens need soul. Smile

averythinline · 07/11/2020 17:26

Go for it....its your space.as well..
When painting the gates you will need to sand them well first for a better finish..
Make sure you get exterior paint ...wickes is good as is homebase..not sure about dkates/white stones i got 'pebbles' so not as dark as slate but does depend on light...
Although if you are that bored and lacking funds that plant pots are z big expense could you not get a job? More money and a change of scene...

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