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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Calling DH rude

18 replies

Gruesome2some · 07/11/2020 10:14

Not sure if I am BU...
Juat got back from a night shift.DH asked me how my night was and whilst I was answering he was looking at his phone and said 'he hasn't got it yet', I was a bit annoyed that he clearly wasn't listening to me and said 'I'll just tell you later then', a bit passive aggressive I know. He then got in a mood saying that he was texting friend about something that is important and that we both want (friend is ordering some things from online shop and is going to add a few bits for us that we couldn't get from the shop and month or so ago, very kind etc but not life or death). I said that its rude to ask someone a question and not listen to the answer. He has got really angry, said I'm being unreasonable because what he was doing was more important as the friend wants to place the order within half an hour (he never said that when he mentioned friend was getting order in today), the world doesn't revolve around me, even acting out getting people to gather round to listen to my important news. I stand by it being rude to ask someone a question and then do something else and not listen. Apparently he's an adult and doesn't appreciate being called rude by me. I tried to apologise when he got out the shower but he wont engage, says he's really angry and wont make my life easier by accepting apology. I just feel like it's not worth all this, I do think its rude but he's acting like I've accused him of something far worse! For info he has a habit of being preoccupied by his phone, gets it out whilst we're eating etc but he won't recognise this in himself at all. I hate arguing with him as I feel that he just cant accept that I can feel one way about an issue and he can feel another way. We've been together 20 years so something must work! I am tired so possibly blowing this our of proportion! So AIBU?

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 07/11/2020 10:18

You’ve been on a night shift. You must be exhausted. He asked you a question, didn’t bother to listen, then shouted at you that what he was doing was more important and is now trying to claim the moral high ground and saying he won’t accept your apology?!

Yeah, he’s a prick.

Lollypop701 · 07/11/2020 10:39

@Winterwoollies pretty much covers it. Plus it appears him being a prick and you apologising to keep the peace is normal..... sod that!

KatherineSiena · 07/11/2020 11:13

Why should you apologise when he can’t even listen to the answer to the question he asked? Please don’t apologise to keep the peace. He sounds horrible.

MaskingForIt · 07/11/2020 11:14

Next time he asks, don’t bother answering. He’ll probably kick off about that too.

He’s got you right where he wants you.

dontdisturbmenow · 07/11/2020 11:19

My OH is just the same. I find it to be really mad manners and very rude indeed. It doesn't surprise though as his parents and siblings are just the same yet. I was raised that when someone speaks, you listen no matter what is happening around.

To be fair, he does make an effort when I point it out to him (after pretending he was listening, which I tell him that hearing and listening is not the same) but it's really ingrained in him.

MoonJelly · 07/11/2020 11:27

he wont engage, says he's really angry and wont make my life easier by accepting apology

That's fine, tell him that you've decided you'll make your life easier by not apologising.

caringcarer · 07/11/2020 11:55

Not only is he rude to you he is taking your feelings for granted. I'd say nothing but go on strike. I have done it before when my dh was being an idiot. No cooking meals for him, no sex, no doing his washing. He will soon be apologising to you. It makes DH rethink his actions.

Pomelos · 07/11/2020 12:10

@dontdisturbmenow Mine is exactly the same, it infuriates me as I can see if with his family and it’s so ingrained he just doesn’t understand how rude it is or even notice that he does it!

OP I just wouldn’t bother answering his questions in future and if he asks why you’re ignoring him tell him you were busy answering a very important text!

phoenixrosehere · 07/11/2020 12:21

YANBU

He could have easily answered the text and told you what was going on and then asked you how your day was or waited to you or him were settled so he could give his full attention.

IamMaz · 07/11/2020 12:36

Mine is more obsessed with his phone and our friends than me. Our relationship is almost non-existent now as I feel so unimportant. If we're in a text 'conversation' and there is a lull, I can look on WhatsApp and see that he's engaged with someone else and ignored me.
The writing is on the wall...

Gruesome2some · 07/11/2020 13:08

Thanks everyone, good to know that I'm not being unreasonable. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not saying I always give him my undivided attention but I think in this instance if the roles were reversed I'd have just said something like 'sorry my message to friend hasn't gone through and I'm worried he's going to order without the thing we want, can you hang on 2 mins' or something like that. Rather than immediately having a go, although his version would be that I was immediately having a go at him by calling him rude. I mean is that even the worst insult ever? You are all right though, I wont apologise again, I just hate an atmosphere...

OP posts:
sst1234 · 07/11/2020 13:18

Do you both not have real things to argue about? Whole thing sounds childish.

Gruesome2some · 07/11/2020 13:23

Perhaps you're right but I think showing respect to your partner is a real thing and not berating them when they call you out on it is also pretty essential to a good relationship. Guess it doesn't matter what the trigger is. But you are right that there are bigger things going on in the world....

OP posts:
switswooo · 07/11/2020 13:47

We've been together 20 years so something must work!

Yes, it's working for him, he's rude, but you're the one who ends up apologising. Don't mistake longevity for happiness.

switswooo · 07/11/2020 13:48

@sst1234

Do you both not have real things to argue about? Whole thing sounds childish.
I hate these dismissive responses. If you don't have any thing constructive to say, why bother commenting?
Gruesome2some · 07/11/2020 13:53

The thing is he says that I never say sorry and mean it, often he's right, I definitely apologise to keep the peace. I'm not doing it this time.

OP posts:
switswooo · 07/11/2020 13:54

So you're damned if you apologise, and you're damned if you don't. It may not seem like it, but it's an abuse tactic OP.

Why do you put up with it?

RightOnTheEdge · 07/11/2020 14:03

He is a prick.
He was rude to you then even ruder to get angry with you when you pointed it out.
Then a total wanker to not except the apology you didn't owe him anyway!

My ds does this sometimes and I always say to him "Don't ask me a question and then not listen to the answer"
He always says sorry and he's 8 years old.

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