To give up Cosleeping to relax abit this christmas

[CoffeeAndCake3]

Posting here for traffic and probably a kick up the bum.
Have a ten month old and a just turned three year old. DS2 has coslept in our bed since the day he was born. Didn't plan it that way, but I was booted out of hospital quickly (despite a c section) exhausted and then facing 2yo DS1 so went for the easiest option for maximum sleep. Im breastfeeding laying down.

Now 10months old. Night's like last night he has wanted to suckle ALL NIGHT LONG. Granted yes, he may be teething or whatever but I have had zero sleep. Yes, he may have done the same in another room but I do think there comes a point when your boobs keep them awake?! Just knowing there is milk is all too much. That and the fact he will not let me move away from him. So I have slept on my left hip for 18months now. I just want to bloody roll over. Or face down. Or ANYTHING.
Last but not least, selfish me, wants a drink this Christmas. I haven't drank in over three years thanks to a cycle of babies and pregnancies. It's been a shitty year minus my son being born, and yes I will say, a shit year for mat leave, so a g&t and some time with my husband sounds amazing.

Problem is, the baby cuddles are obviously wonderful. My DH too loves the baby cuddles. Mum guilt is terrible. And I have no idea how to do it now that he is so big and would need to be lowered to the very bottom of his cot. He doesn't even nap in the cot. I have no idea how to start, especially with DS1 around in the day. He does go to nursery 3 days a week but that will obviously not be enough time to nail this. There's no room for a cot in our room and no room for a mattress in his.

So I keep Cosleeping.....

Aibu to want to stop now or am I being selfish for the sake of a non event this year

Personally, I wouldn't care so much about having it done for Christmas compared to just having it done. It has to happen eventually!

This does sound very exhausting. For starters, it is, perfectly safe to have a couple of drinks while breastfeeding. The best thing is to drink while nursing as there is a delay before the alcohol is in your milk. Even then it’s only as concentrated as your blood alcohol content. Man you websites outline how to do this safely. Obviously you need to be relatively sober to cosleep, so have a few drinks in the afternoon if you want. Second, you can do gentle night weaning from 6 months if you want. A possible option would’ve never restricting feeds, eg a 10am and a 4am feed. There aren’t many different ways to do this. Google gentle night weaning. It helps if you’re husband is keen to help resettle in between feeds. I have full empathy, my daughter often fed every hour or two every night until we night weaned completely at 17 months. Good luck and get researching to find the right to method for you

SORRy there Are many ways to night wean! Good luck

You can drink and breastfeed though. But co-sleeping if under the influence not advisable
I was in a similar position until dd2 18minths old then had to stop both at the same time. Still miss the cuddles but sleep is tonnes better.
PS I didn't mean to do it until 18mths, she was just reluctant to give up night feeds and seemed like the path of least resistance. We did make some progress with Jay Gordon until she got a cold and went backwards again
www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

Go with what's right for you, happy mum happy baby in my book

No advice on the sleep, but you can drink while bf. The concentration of alcohol in milk is roughly same as whatever it is in blood. You’d be over the limit to drive at 0.08% blood alcohol. But even then that would mean your milk being less than one tenth of one percent booze. Way less than eg traditional lemonade.

You can drink while BFing. The problem is drinking while co sleeping.

OP, I would. I moved DS into his room at 6 months and night weaned him at that point. It was game changing. I hated co sleeping.

You can drink and BF.

You are also well beyond any sort of mum guilt about wanting sleep!!

Sort either nights or naps first. Whichever you prefer. Naps can be easier if you are less tired and get them in the cot.

As PPs said, make a plan with DH and stick to it. A week of toughness will be worth the sleep.

Are you back at work?

I think you need this book. www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-Sleep-Solution-stay-support/dp/1472269152/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?hvlocphy=9046918&hvnetw=g&keywords=lucy+wolfe+baby+sleep+solution&hvadid=417769655682&qid=1604739833&dchild=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlqzB2Ynw7AIVju3tCh2luQC5EAAYAyAAEgJKOPD_BwE&hydadcr=17291_1802356&hvdev=m&hvqmt=b&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-843165384710&adgrpid=95916958684&hvrand=11595293954147908566&sr=8-1

It’s basically gradual retreat sleep training, and very respectful of baby and of breastfeeding. I coslept for 2yrs with DC1 and knew my body could not handle that being unable to move, for all that time. We did this method with DC2 when she was 9/10mo, it seemed a good time. Big enough to cope with change but young enough to quickly accept the message of ‘we are doing this a new way now’. And with a second child I felt less mum guilt as I was more used to laying boundaries and understood that I wasn’t traumatising her, I was just not doing what she wanted any longer and she was pissed off. This from the worlds biggest judgy anti sleep trainer the first time round. If I hadn’t done it my older child and my parenting, my personhood, would have really suffered. She now sleeps wonderfully at just over 2 and is a delight who expresses herself fully, no regrets at all.

There was also this MN thread I had saved at the time that helped encourage me through the whole process www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

Good luck!

You can definitely do this! A few rough weeks ahead but you will absolutely have cracked it by Christmas if you stick to your guns!

Good luck 😄🤞🏼🎉🍻🎄

@sbhydrogen

Have a read of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Ferber. I went from co-sleeping and breastfeeding all night long (kill me) to DD sleeping 12 hours in her own room in less than a week. My life is so much better now, and what's better is I can relax AND get a full night's sleep!

We did the same. Night weaned, in her own cot and sleeping for 12 hours a night within one week.

MN is bizarrely martyrish about cosleeping and it’s often implied that it’s better for the baby to cosleep so the mum should just suck it up.

Good luck OP, its definetly ok to want your bed and your evenings and your boobs (overnight anyway) back. As a lot of PP have said, its the co-sleeping that a problem when drinking, and my god after this year, we all deserve a drink at christmas. Yes its not going to be the best christmas ever, but it can still be nice.

MN is bizarrely martyrish about cosleeping and it’s often implied that it’s better for the baby to cosleep so the mum should just suck it up.

Also this, I tried to co-sleep as everyone said it would be easier. It didn't work for us as I struggled to feed lying down and was constantly terrified I'd roll and squash DS. DS is now 2 and sleeping through in his own room most nights, sometimes needs his duvet rearranged, but we've only just switched to a duvet, so that's understandable. My DB and SIL still have problems with my 5.5 year old DN as she still wants to sleep in with them, I just couldn't do that!

Hi OP

I was like you, co slept but didnt feel it was working, the baby woke up every 90 month to sleep at 7 months. We got a sleep consultant in as nothing we did worked and we got her in her own cot in her own room using the disappearing chair method. PM me if you want all the details, it is sleep training and there were tears (on both sides) but she was not left alone to cry (for more than a minute initially). It worked for us on the second night but she did nap a bit in her cot so was familiar to her already. It changed my life not being so bloody tired all the time

I co slept and breastfed my youngest until she was 15 months, and like your DS she wanted milk all night. I'd had enough so I put her in the cot in her big sisters' room, the first night she did wake and cry a couple of times but only for 5 minutes before she went back to sleep. Night 2 she slept through and has been sleeping through ever since! I'm finally getting 8 hours unbroken sleep each night after 10 years of pregnancy/ breastfeeding/co sleeping with 4 DC , its great!

I think your body is saying its exhausted TBH! Why not try to pat him down and leave for a few mins gradually getting longer .but not too long obv! Say about 10/15 mins.See how you go for a few nights ,if you dont crack it straight away dont beat yourself up about it.Try again in a few months time.As far as drinks at Christmas is concerned .If we are unlocked in Dec, maybe get DP to babysit for an hour or so (we used to find Lunch out was easier .not so tired!)and have a nice lunch with DH and maybe a refreshing Elderflower drink or Sparkling water ? Just going out for an hour or so in a nice frock ,and able to chat child free for a while will help you to feel better I think.Good Luck

I really feel for you, my youngest went through a stage like that. Were still breastfeeding but she now sleeps through in her own bed. We used a very gentle method which took absolutely ages but there were no tears or distress, it hasn't affected bf and I've got my bed back. Its possible you can do it by Christmas if you starrt night weaning now, you may need to be slightly tougher than me though! Good luck

You'll have to do it at some time, so why not now? It sounds like it's the right time for you.

It will be tough for a few nights whenever you do it, but then it will be better.

If you don't want to do controlled crying (I didn't), then check out this mumsnet thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

It worked amazingly for my 6 month old. She went from being up all the bloody time to sleeping through in about two weeks.

Wow you guys are harsh. OP herself said Christmas this year is going to be a non event.

Anyway, if you want to give up BF/co sleeping, go ahead, no guilt required. I don't really understand the Christmas link but there you go. Do what suits you best. Own mask on first etc etc

What worked for me was for DH to go to baby at nighttime, if they can smell milk they'll want a feed. A bottle from daddy was nowhere near as appealing and she'd roll over and go back to sleep. Napping in the pram worked for my cot refuser.

You just need to decide if this is something you want and then just keep working at it, it'll come.

My ds is 6 months and I have just stopped feeding to sleep. He has always had a bottle of formula in the evening before bed as I didn’t want issues changing over to bottles at some point but he then always needed a breast feed to fall asleep and go off in his cot. I’m a nurse and will be going back to work after Christmas doing night shifts, so I’ve had to stop feeding to sleep as my husband obviously won’t be able to do that! He now has a bottle of formula after his bath and then I gently rock him to sleep. He’s put in his cot semi awake and normally settles himself off. Sometimes it’s easier than others. But he’s always napped in his cot so I would say perhaps start with naps first and get those cracked, and then move on to bedtime. But maybe don’t put too much pressure on yourself to crack it by Christmas, just in case you find you can’t do it for whatever reason.

Wow you guys are harsh. OP herself said Christmas this year is going to be a non event.

Did she? She said she was looking forward to it and how sad to say it was a write off, which it isn't!

I used the gradual retreat method at 18 months and wished I'd done it much earlier but I'm still breastfeeding at 22 months, that seems much harder to stop!

Yeah I'm just trying to look forward to Christmas. Its been lovely having my babies but I feel my body and mind is now broken! I can't remember the last time me and DH sat down with a bottle of wine and relaxed. In fact I can't think of a time this year we haven't had one child with us 24-7, admittedly because of covid. I expect there are lots feeling the same as me. I love Christmas, it will be fine.if I can't look forward to it I may as well give up. I have two lovely sons who still want father christmas to come for starters!
I do want to continue bfeeding. My aim is to get ds2 in his cot to sleep, I don't expect miracles, I expect he will wake still and that's OK. DS1 woke til 18months. But I know how hard it's going to be just getting him to lie in the cot. I'm absolutely dreading it which is why I've put it off, but stupid me has by doing that, made it harder. DH has been very supportive today and said he will help me kit the room out, comfy chair etc and will get up in the night if needed. He's wfh full time so it's not going to be easy on any of us! God knows how I will settle ds2 when DS1 is home, how do you occupy one whole tending to the other for some time... Its a mystery to me! Thanks for all of your advice, I'm going to have a read through again and look at the links.

If DH is wfh at present, could you start off by settling DS2 into his cot when DH has a lunch break? Then DH can look after DS1 for a bit to give you time?

@sbhydrogen

Have a read of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Ferber. I went from co-sleeping and breastfeeding all night long (kill me) to DD sleeping 12 hours in her own room in less than a week. My life is so much better now, and what's better is I can relax AND get a full night's sleep!

Just to add to this, I still breastfeed DD; I've not given up on that. But I can enjoy my evenings now, drink a bottle of wine (well, I could before I fell pregnant!) and relax.