Received text from Ex's new girlfriend. AIBU to be thrilled that he will soon by dying of shame?

[Shameme0nce]

God, I hope she's not on here!!

EXH and I have been apart for 4 years. We were together for 12 years and we split when DD was 5. I won't go into the ins and outs of the relationship but he checked out years before the split and, while I could never prove it, I suspect he was looking around. Marriage had been rocky for a number of reasons but, ultimately, it was his decision to split.

He's always been a challenge in terms of contact and maintenance. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad but very much of the camp that his responsibility ends the second his day is up and it has been a battle to get to the point where we are at now where DD sees him two nights each week.

He Threw strops about using annual leave to cover a portion of school holidays but is always first to 'claim' her for the fun stuff like birthdays, Christmas, Halloween etc. The man wants to make memories but not deal with the drudgery and inconvenience of day to day life (one of the many reasons we are not compatible now!). I don't let him away with this behaviour but have learned over the years when to pick my battles.

Anyhow, about 18 months on from our split, I met my DP. I was very slow to bring him into my life because of DD and he moved in with us very recently, after two and a half years together. His relationship with DD is lovely but he respects the fact he's not her dad so, while supportive of my battles with Ex, he largely keeps out of it.

I am really not sure of how many 'girlfriends' ex has had. To his credit, he's never introduced any of them to DD as they clearly weren't important enough.

He has, however, in the last few months been seeing a woman in her mid 20s.
DD seems to like her. I feel the introduction was a bit soon and unnecessary given everything else that is going on, but not much I can do about that and as long as she's kind to DD, I'm happy.

Alongside this burgeoning relationship has been a renewed interest in DD. It's nice, if a little suspect, but DD is thrilled so again I'm happy to facilitate. He's seeing her for a few extra days during the Christmas holidays which will be lovely for her.

Now bearing in mind I don't know this woman, haven't spoken to her, not been introduced, have no idea what she looks like... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this text I got from ex's phone....

Hi Shame,
It's X. Hope u and DD r gud. Can utell her we r lking forward to seeing her on Sunday.
(Ex) told me about Xmas plans and I now it's not really my place, but I'm concernd about how much time DD is spending at our house.
I now ur busy with work but DD needs consistency and we think the going backwards n forwards so much during the week is 2 much 4 her. I know (ex) is happy to c her so much but I think we all shud sit down and work out a plan that works for us all. I feel like I never get to see (Ex) alone anymore and I now u can understand how important 1 on 1 time is at the start of a new relationship (haha!) . Mabe we cud sit down for a coffee on Sunday?

It's wrong on so, so many levels:

1. Sent from ex's number. Why do you have his phone? Also, there is ZERO chance of him ever saying anything like this.
2. Is 5 nights a week not enough one to one time? They both WFH at moment too.
3. Wtf does she mean by the haha? .
4. The mix of text speak and formal English is massively jarring. Pick one or the other. Commit, woman!
5. She wants more time to'get to know him'? She's met our child and has moved in, presumably in the space of a few months.

The best bit of all of this is that SHE thinks the additional time with DD is being driven by me when it's actually EX showboating to highlight his amazing father credentials.

It is a glorious mess and half the joy is coming from knowing that Ex is going to be so embarrassed. I can't decide what my next move should be.

Vipers, ho!

I’m actually speechless .
You’ve done well not to respond straight away with “who the fuck do you think you are ?”
I am stunned she has the brass front to text you that .
I’d call your ex as I don’t see what ignoring it will do .

He might be fairly crap, but I think he might be a bit pissed off to find out that his girlfriend is telling you that she doesn't want him to see his daughter because she thinks she deserves more attention.

I'd ignore her tbh. My exes wife texts me from his phone, (well she used to until the dc were old enough to arrange contact themselves). She would always pretend it was him though, but her lack of even the most basic English gave it away that it wasn't. hers was so bad it made the message you received look like a work of award winning literature

Really, really weird.

I’m going with her sending it from his phone then deleting it. And the PP’s comment that she has access to his phone means I’d be responding on email or phone or in person, rather than text.

If he knows about it then I can see why you’d want to run in the opposite direction. It’s all very weird.

Also, you say in your OP that he is a good dad but if he’s been so cold about contact (aside from this message), flakey about maintenance and grabby about birthdays and Christmas then he sounds pretty crumby....

I agree that if you speak to DH about it you should send the screenshot, I very much think she's probably sent while he's in the shower or something and then deleted!

Screenshot it mind, not copy and paste as he needs to see you haven't altered it.

Just ignore it, OP. I bet EX won't bring it up next time you see him through life embarrassment!

*pure embarrassment

Ignore the text. Don’t respond. Wait till he tells you himself he’s not having DD anymore then tell him his jumping in and out of DD’s life disrupting routines isn’t working for her or you and from now on you will only facilitate regular every other weekend contact and alternate special events. He doesn’t get to pick and choose.

I’d also gloat if ex was uncomfortable for any reason and I do wish ex terrible things, I wish him a lifetime of missed busses and opportunities, stewed tea, spoiled milk, heavy rain when he has no shelter, papercuts every time he touches paper, flat coke and flat tyres badly ironed shirts, itchy underpants. Yeah I hope ex in my case is miserable. And I don’t care if that makes me ‘bitter’. Forgiveness and all that jazz is overrated.

And the message is jarring to read.

Gloat away OP

Also, make sure you screenshot it!

@Shameme0nce

Thanks all. To reiterate, don't fancy him but don't want him murdered and I'm absolutely a petty bitch that takes joy from the absolute insanity of such an odd situation.

I don't know if that's just her text style. I have no idea what she does and have never asked, and DD has never told me. I think ex will have chosen someone a little less... challenging this time around.

I really want to reply. I really hope he had nothing to do with it as if he's had a hand in this, I don't want DD to be anywhere near either of them

I would reply simply with "If Ex wants to discuss contact arrangements for DD then he should contact me directly."

That way there's no accusation of you ignoring her or anything like that.

@Thewinterofdiscontent

Hi New Girl Thanks for your texting your concerns I realise it must be awkward since we have never met. I am happy to accommodate any reasonable arrangements hence agreeing to the contact Ex had asked for. Did he not already discuss these arrangements with you? My first priority is that DD isn’t messed around.As parents we have come to the current arrangements together. Can I suggest you have a chat with him first if you are unhappy in the relationship?

Shame

This

I'd write back and ask her to clarify which one she is, the small dark one you saw him with on Saturday or the chubby blonde one from Thursday

Which two nights a week does she spend with him? Is it the same two nights or changing two nights constantly?

I would ignore it, but I wouldn’t pretend I had t received it.
I would wait for it to be mentioned again - ideally in person... and just say ‘oh I really thought that was a bit of a joke, me and Ex are both happy with the arrangement, I’d hope DD is a priority to him (over you new gf)’

I think I'd probably just reply "Wow. That's an interesting perspective."

Just reply and say ' I understand that you want alone time with ex but he had a child and she will always come first. If he isn't happy with the amount of contact he has with her then he needs to raise that with me himself. I won't be discussing this with you but wish you well in your relationship.

Call the cops! 👮🏻‍♂️ The Grammar Police need to arrest her pronto OP. That's not text speak, it's an assault to our beloved English language. Let's hope she doesn't help DD with her homework.

She's out of line. I would tell XH to check his messages and let him deal with it. There's a lack of communication - and it ain't just her drivel. 😂

I have a screenshot of the text and gearing up to call him. I think that engaging via text leaves him open to lying but there's no way to hide that from his voice.

I'm going to say that I got a text from his phone from his GF and if he knows about it. If its a yes, then it becomes a longer conversation. If it's a no, I'll offer to send him the text and ask him to speak to GF about boundaries. Whatever the answer, I need to know if he genuinely wants DD for more contact time as I'm not having her hopes raised for them to pull out or, worse, not engage with her when she's at his house.

Although I found the text message hilariously funny because honestly I thought people only messaged like that back in the day of 10p text messages, I really don't envy how difficult it must be for you to deal with such a fucking anus of an EX.

Also laughed out loud at the poster suggesting you still have a flame for your EX. I can't speak for you op but this behaviour would make my fanny close for all eternity every time I heard his name.

I'm a bit of a psycho at times so I'd probably write a simple Fuck off. Then likely just call the arsehole himself and ask that he doesn't let his lady friend contact you ever again about contact with your child.

So sorry that this is your reality though. I can't imagine anythin is ever easy dealing with him.

"I now ur busy with work"
What a bitch

Absolute basket case 😂

@TheQueef haha!!

[quote thosetalesofunexpected]@missbakinifnasty
What the fffs are you on about
Op thread was hard work ??! 😕

Nobody else seems to thinks So.

Seems you are on your Todd own thinking that way then..![/quote]
They said reading the text was hard work....the text from the Ex's new girlfriend.

"I know, but I want to shag my boyfriend too"

To clarify I wouldn't actually tell her to Fuck off. I left out the part that I would delete the message, but call him instead.