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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For expecting him to pick up an item he knocked over

26 replies

madamgazellesmate · 06/11/2020 14:25

DH walked past a bag of books that I recieved today but haven't had a chance to put in the DC room. They were only dropped round to us half an hour ago and I didn't want to wake DH who is on nights as the kids room is right next to him, plus I'm running around after DC (3 and nearly 2) Anyway he comes downstairs, knocks the bag over whilst I'm getting a drink for DC and just shrugs saying "wasn't me".(It was, he walked past and knocked it). I then said could you not have just picked it up and he said I was nagging him, I always start on him when he wakes up and he is now is a huge mood, sat on the sofa ignoring me.
Obviously I will take it upstairs, but he surely couldn't picked it up rather than leaving the bag with the books spilling out onto the floor.

This is a regular thing. I point things out and he says I'm moaning at him. Maybe I am just a a moaner and should just leave him to it. I'm starting to think it IS just me!

So:
YABU and should've just said nothing
about him not picking it back up and picked it up yourself.

YANBU: DH is be inconsiderate and you have a right to call him out on it.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 06/11/2020 15:54

Of course he is in the wrong - if you knock something over, you pick it up. In your own bloody home, even if you didnt knock it over, you still pick it up because noone wants to live in a pigsty. The man's a moron.

JuliaJohnston · 06/11/2020 15:57

He actually said "it wasn't me"? Hmm. Christ, what a moron.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 06/11/2020 15:58

He’s treating you like his skivvy and he is Lord of the Manor.

HaleNo · 06/11/2020 16:04

That's really arrogant of him

Skysblue · 06/11/2020 16:07

He doesn’t respect you or your stuff. Of course you have to call him on it.

Suggest you have a look at what you do for him eg laundry cooking etc and have a bit of a strike until he can talk to you with respect.

Noitjustwontdo · 06/11/2020 16:08

Clearly shows a lack of respect if you knock anyone’s things over and don’t pick them up not in the least your wife’s... Rude prick.

iklboogeymum · 06/11/2020 16:11

'Wasn't me'. Is he 12? Idiot.

FingersCrossedForAllOfUs · 06/11/2020 16:11

YANBU

He is not showing a good example to the DC’s, he needs to grow up fast or you will have 3 toddlers to care for.
Serious discussion is needed.

chuffedasbuttons · 06/11/2020 16:13

YANBU

He is. What a prat.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/11/2020 16:14

@JuliaJohnston

He actually said "it wasn't me"? Hmm. Christ, what a moron.
My thoughts exactly.

What does he bring to your lives?

33goingon64 · 06/11/2020 16:14

Sounds like he'd just woken up and was in a mood, and now sticking to his sulk to make a point. Very childish. My DH never tidies up anything that isn't 'his' mess. He'll step over things that are clearly on their way somewhere or have been left out by the DC. I hoovered yesterday then felt unwell so went to bed without putting it away. Came down this morning and it was still there. His reply 'I didn't know why it was there'. WTF? If he actually knocked something over though I THINK he would pick it up...?!?

HugeAckmansWife · 06/11/2020 16:24

I thought this was going to be about a child. My DS (11) knocked over a glass earlier and it spilled and broke. He just yelled "Muuuuuum" and carried on gaming. Got all huffy when I made him stop and help clear up. Your DH is bloody ridiculous.

CherryValanc · 06/11/2020 16:34

Something that is standing out to me from your OP is how you seem to need to justify why the books were there. It far more than just stating " I hadn't put then away yet".

Why is that? He sounds like thinks it's you that has responsibility for clearing them up. And your justifications make it comes across that you deep down feel you are responsible because you hadn't put the books away.

What is it that make you think the responsibility of ensuring this shouldn't have happened is yours? Do you get the blame much?

(I'm asking this presuming this isn't out of character behaviour from either of you.)

butterpuffed · 06/11/2020 16:45

Knock something of his over in front of him and say it wasn't you. Maybe he'll realise how ridiculous he's being

Lemonlady22 · 06/11/2020 16:55

My ex did this sort of thing...put his plate in full dishwasher 'not my job to turn it on', left crisp packets everywhere and when mentioned 'do it in a minute' 3 hours later still there...ask him to cut the grass, ' looks like its gonna rain' on the hottest day of the year...just bone idle. I could go on and on, but I won't. Not my problem anymore , and its a relief!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 06/11/2020 17:01

'Wasn't me'. Unacceptable in anyone over 4, let alone a husband & father.

I also agree with a PP, why all the justifying why they were there?

Is he such a petty twat all the time?

Original poster
madamgazellesmate · 06/11/2020 18:40

I think it'd still be there the same time next week Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
madamgazellesmate · 06/11/2020 18:49

@madamgazellesmate

I think it'd still be there the same time next week Confused
Sorry replied to the wrong person, very tired and stressed out.

Yes I agree it was immature, I was in shock when he said it to be honest. It's like having another child sometimes.

He's hard to please and always gives off the impression that he's irritated by my presence. Now after being out of work for a while, he's earning the money and I'm at home and need to be keeping things ticking over at home. I get up at 5.30/6 and do everything with the kids, including bedtime obviously and he doesn't do anything anymore as he's either in bed or relaxing before work.
I've been out of work for over a year now due to my mental health, childcare and me not being happy with his methods of being a stay at home parent, but that's another story. (He isn't a bad dad but didn't give them the stimulation young minds need and often refused to answer my calls/texts when I was on my lunch break to catch up and see how the kids were getting on).

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/11/2020 19:00

I'd be asking him what he actually wants in that situation. If he doesn't want you to point out stuff he isnt doing, but still doesn't do what you're annoyed about...is he actually just wanting you to STFU and do absolutely everything because he cant be arsed? Because that's how it comes across. I expect my 5 year old to pick up things she has dropped as it's very disrespectful not to. And also I'd expect one adult to be able to talk to or remind another adult about something without being accused of 'nagging' or 'moaning'. Its very defensive and deflecting to put his refusal to get stuff done, back on you. Which is worse, not clearing up after yourself, or asking someone why they expect you to clear up after them? I think he is getting in a mood to 'train' you to stop asking him to do his fair share because in the end you'll (hopefully from his PoV) decide its not worth it.

Do you think your mental health would be better without him criticising you and blaming you for his shortcomings?

itsovernowthen · 06/11/2020 21:25

@Lemonlady22

My ex did this sort of thing...put his plate in full dishwasher 'not my job to turn it on', left crisp packets everywhere and when mentioned 'do it in a minute' 3 hours later still there...ask him to cut the grass, ' looks like its gonna rain' on the hottest day of the year...just bone idle. I could go on and on, but I won't. Not my problem anymore , and its a relief!
My soon-to-be EXDP all of this and more...he refuses to hang up any kind of washing or put the kids to bed as "it's not his job". He'll soon find it is his job when it's his turn to look after the children. I can't wait to leave him to it GrinGrinGrin
itsovernowthen · 06/11/2020 21:28

@madamgazellesmate It doesn't sound like he respects you or your contribution to the household at all. You need to sit him down to have a serious conversation with him about how things need to change, or he will stay like that, and perhaps get worse over time. You really don't want your DC to be picking up these types of habits from him.

NetflixWatcher · 06/11/2020 21:41

Sounds like a teenager. Apart from mines not that rude.

RIPworkingmums · 06/11/2020 21:52

My oh does stuff like this sometimes. I am
Childish though so would either a) leave the books on the floor until he decided to pick them up. Literally step over them even if they’re in the way for weeks. Or b) ‘accidentally’ knock over something of his and refuse to pick it up Smile

Seriously though he’s being a twat, but if he has just woken up I wouldn’t bother pushing it right away as he’ll likely be miserable!

Original poster
madamgazellesmate · 07/11/2020 08:20

Honestly he's the most stubborn person I know. If I tried to play back, he wouldn't back down, the item of his that I'd knocked over would still be on the floor a week later and he'd be off with me for knocking it and not picking it up Hmm think I've just answered my own question here, haven't I.

OP posts:
FallonsTeaRoom · 07/11/2020 08:30

My ex would say ”it shouldn't have been there” as his justification for walking through/across or knocking things down.

Note: EX.