Fake it till you make it. Does it work?

[anxietyaunt]

I’ve got serious imposter syndrome and am very bad at selling myself due to a long-standing lack of confidence. As a result I’m always on the back foot at work (doesn’t help that I’m part-time since having a child) and am consistently overlooked for opportunities. I have more experience and qualifications than most I work with but I just can’t seem to back myself. Always feel I’m going to get called out for being stupid or incompetent. Those around me seem to exude confidence and belief in themselves. I have to do something about it but no idea how to convince myself I should be confident about my ability. I often wonder if faking it until you make it works. Any thoughts?

@anxietyaunt

I’ve got serious imposter syndrome and am very bad at selling myself due to a long-standing lack of confidence. As a result I’m always on the back foot at work (doesn’t help that I’m part-time since having a child) and am consistently overlooked for opportunities. I have more experience and qualifications than most I work with but I just can’t seem to back myself. Always feel I’m going to get called out for being stupid or incompetent. Those around me seem to exude confidence and belief in themselves. I have to do something about it but no idea how to convince myself I should be confident about my ability. I often wonder if faking it until you make it works. Any thoughts?

If you're faking it, but actually achieving it, then you aren't faking it you're just doing it

But if you have the qualifications than you are not faking anything? but honestly qualifications do not mean more advancement at work, how you work does and not even that is not guaranteed.

I have no idea if I have confidence I just do what I need to do at work and get on with it (this is not a compliment but a fact)

The only thing you can do really is apply if a promotion comes up, if you are doing that and not getting them then maybe ask a colleague why as I am not sure we can help with that bit

I mean faking confidence, not ability.

I do think you can get into the habit of positive thinking which can have a self-fulfilling prophecy effect. In reality I am quite an anxious person and am a natural introvert but I don’t think most people who know me in a professional capacity or even social setting would believe I was, based on how I behave in public.

The only thing is it can be very draining because it takes so much energy to appear positive and confident and I have to try to dig myself out of low-feeling sometimes.

Adjust posture, eye contact, smile speak slowly (Not snails pace) and clearly. Dress like the character you think you need to be. Take up time and take up space. In short I guess it’s like cultivating your own charisma?

@KittyWindbag

I do think you can get into the habit of positive thinking which can have a self-fulfilling prophecy effect. In reality I am quite an anxious person and am a natural introvert but I don’t think most people who know me in a professional capacity or even social setting would believe I was, based on how I behave in public.

The only thing is it can be very draining because it takes so much energy to appear positive and confident and I have to try to dig myself out of low-feeling sometimes.

Adjust posture, eye contact, smile speak slowly (Not snails pace) and clearly. Dress like the character you think you need to be. Take up time and take up space. In short I guess it’s like cultivating your own charisma?

Thank you :)

I’m glad this works for you. You sound like me in many respects.

I also have a naturally quiet voice and it’s very draining to speak louder. I feel like I’m yelling. Argh.

I'm in the same position OP, I could have written you post. I'm working from home now and if I have to present work in Zoom meetings I look at and talk to the least experienced person on the call. It works, I sound more confident and no one knows who I'm looking at anyway!

I don't think it ever quite goes away.
you get better at masking it, but the nervousness never quite goes away.

@Ymlaen

I'm in the same position OP, I could have written you post. I'm working from home now and if I have to present work in Zoom meetings I look at and talk to the least experienced person on the call. It works, I sound more confident and no one knows who I'm looking at anyway!

That’s a good strategy!

@pinkbalconyrailing

I don't think it ever quite goes away. you get better at masking it, but the nervousness never quite goes away.

I don’t either. I’m now in my early 40s. So grim :(

Mind you, I was so shy and nervous in my first job the thought of simply answering the phone terrified me. So I guess I’m improving. Slowly. It’s just so frustrating because I know I can do better than this. I feel so stuck in this position.

I think that good old sexism might be part of the reason you are overlooked at work. I was not being given opportunities and one delightful young manager told me mothers in their 40s weren't ambitious enough . For some reason recognising this was quite freeing for me, I felt that if people thought I was rubbish purely because of my sex and parental status then there was no point being scared about what people thought of me because it didn't actually reflect how good or otherwise I was at my job. So I developed a 'fuck them' attitude and got on and did my job not worrying what people thought of me. I also got a promotion into a different department and the things that my previous manager didn't think was important my new manager really valued so that helped as well.

Also, although women are constantly being told 'be more like a man' in the workplace it's always worth remembering that a diversity of personalities makes for a more effective team. So don't worry too much about trying to change yourself, you have value as you are now. The workplace has to accomodate you. So don't talk louder than you feel comfortable talking, but make sure you are not apologising for it in other ways. Fake time and expect people to listen to you and expect them to respect what you say and they will listen and respect you. I have known plenty of very respected people at work who have a stutter or talk quietly or have some other supposed impediment that they have turned round to their advantage.

That should say 'take your time' not fake time!

I cling to the example of donald trump. Thick as mince: doesnt stop him. He just moves on, even when he publically mused on injecting bleach. So you get called out for being stupid? just gloss over it and bosh on.

Another way to think about it is that you grow by stretching yourself... it’s impossible to learn everything you need to do to do something you’ve never done before... so you might as well just start doing and get better as you go.

They do say intelligent people are more aware of their limitations

I watched this amazing video about how your body language can make you feel more confident. I actually do what she says before I'm giving a pitch or talk and it genuinely makes a difference! She talks about faking it until you believe it. Really recommend this for you, hope it helps. I think many of us have this at times. :) m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc

I have always done this; I used to be really nervous speaking in big meetings and chairing them so I faked confidence and recently realised they no longer worry me. The same in new social situations. I think the important thing though especially at work is that if you don’t know something then don’t blag it; be confident enough to say I’m not sure about that at the moment but I will find out.

I would look at reading “how women rise” by Sally Helgesen.

My advice, yes. Fake it til you make it (or in my case get onto the exec and realise everyone is as clueless as each other and you’re just trying to make the next best choice most of the time).

Faking it definitely works. It his been commented on several times at my work that I am very calm, and nothing seems to worry me. The complete opposite is going on in my head, but the more time goes on, the more the inside matches the outside.

'Realising everyone is just as clueless at exec level'

Ohhh yes, how true! You grow up to be intimidated by these high powered, special, all knowing beings, and then you meet them and realise...theyre not all that i get some stories from a high powered friend's company that make me gape: millions pissed away on absolutely rookie errors and absolutely NO consequences for those involved!? ive been in jobs where i'd be sacked for, say, putting the wrong items on a shelf!!!

Faking a level of confidence that you don't really have can definitely be an effective strategy (as long as you have the qualifications and knowledge to back it up)

I really struggled with social confidence, I despise 'networking' etc but am able to almost 'play a role' where necessary to meet expectations and it does eventually feel natural and not forced

Yes. Can confirm that this works. Consider yourself an actor and your role is to act the most confident person you know. It took a long time but it cured me!

Yes yes. Fake that confidence OP. You got some tricks to follow in the thread.