To find the behaviour

[WinkyWinkola]

of my 2½ year old DS utterly and totally unbearable? He has tantrums about everything. I mean everything from getting in and out of the bath, cleaning his teeth, not being quick enough to hand his dad his towel after a shower, sitting down to breakfast, lunch, supper, going to bed.

I am exhausted. Fed up. Upset most of the time with his fury. And keep thinking the word, "Adoption." That's not serious thought but it's because I'm so tired.

What can I do? I feel like a beastly parent because I'm always either ignoring him or telling him off.

Just had my mum to stay and she's amazed at his behaviour too.

Has anyone else gone through this? It's been getting worse since about a year ago.

Do you know what his triggers are and are there any ways to avoid them yswim?
Why does he hand his dad a towel after a shower? Maybe just take the initiative and ignore his protests however ahrd it is.
Do you go out everyday? Wear him out in the park or soft play? Go to as many M&T groups aspossible, is he eligible to free nursery places yet?h

I'm going through this for the 2nd time. Its easier this time as I was expecting it.

Its absolutely totally normal and apparently its proof of how confident they feel of your love (ie confident enough to test it). Thats why they don't play up as much with anyone else.

DS is now 4 and quite sane and reasonable (for a 4 yo).

Make sure you get regular time off for yourself as its exhausting.

my eldest ds went through it badly.dd did but just 'normal'tantrums,ds2 is going through it now but again nothing unusual.with ds we realised certain foods made his behaviour worse also he had/has poor sppech which made him lash out as he got frustrated with not being understood.

He does sound a handful and YANBU to find his behaviour demoralising and wearying. Is he at home with your full-time? Is he your only child? Have you considered putting him in a nursery a couple of days a week? I say this because it really helped my cousin whose son was very aggressive and difficult - once he realised that he had to slot in with other children his behaviour improved a great deal. It might be worth a try and, if nothing else, it will give you some respite and some thinking space.

Other than that, Supernanny ?

He goes to nursery three afternoons a week. We go to three classes a week. We have quiet times and the rest of the time is with children his own age as many of my friends had kids the same time as me.

The triggers seem to be everything. He's furious. DH wants to take him to a child psychologist.

Winky, a tried and tested method (which at least works sometimes) is where possible, to offer your child a choice - so for example,

do you want to brush your teeth now or after you have your pjs on?

when you get out of the bath, do you want this towel or the blue one

do you want the purple plate for dinner or the white one.

makes the little buggers feel they have control over something, apparently.

(LOL @ adoption)

Haha - totally normal IME!

I went for a walk with my DSs yesterday afternoon in the woods trying to wear them out. DS1 (4) walked and chatted nicely! DS2 (2 1/2) was either demanding to be carried - or put down - or dawdling - or hitting me or DS1 with a stick - or screaming when I took the stick away - lying on the floor! (in the mud) - wanting to go in the opposite direction to home - you bloody name it. Total nightmare - we had a horrible time!

I wound up thinking to myself how bloody horrible he is and how much easier life would be without him - and then feeling horribly guilty about feeling like that!

I do remember DS1 driving me up the wall at about the same age though so I guess it will pass! He starts pre-school after half term - Good luck pre-school!!!!

and another good tip is to always tell them in advance what is going to happen, like you have another 2 minutes in the bath, or I take the plug out and when water is finished you can come out, etc etc. They tend to be incredibly impatient at that age, and they don't have a good notion of time, so predictability is the key. well, at times

I said to my mum that the word "Adoption" pops up in my head. She thought I was serious and was horrified. We ended up having a row! DS stopped making a scene when he saw us shouting and skipped off happily to play with his cars. [hmmmm]

I think I just need a break.

Ds1 is exactly the same, he is 27m.
My Mum is like 'He doesn't get it from our side' , Dh's mum says the same.....
Dh says 'He's out of control....'

And I'm just thinking 'Leave my boy alone - He is normal'

Sad but true!

I'm so ashamed. Today my DS was going bonkers for about an hour because he had hit the baby in the face right in front of me and I took her out of harm's reach. Then he started smashing a wooden toy against the wall and door. I took that away from him. I sat and listened to him yelling and slamming the kitchen door over and over. I got angrier and angrier. And I shouted at him, I picked him up and I prodded him hard in the chest, asking him why he wouldn't stop yelling. He calmed down because of the shock I think but I saw red. I don't think I can cope.

My reaction was over the top and not right. I've tried all different tactics - ignoring, choices, talking it out, hugging it out and now shouting - and nothing seems to work.

I don't even feel desperate. Just totally defeated and really crap for losing my temper. I don't know what to do next? Just keep on ignoring it and hope it passes? Somebody told me three year olds are worse than two.

Ohh WW you sound as you really really need a weekend away from your family.

Is there anyway you can arrange to go away with your husband or with a friend or even alone to give you time to recharge your batteries completely?

You need to do something about the situation before it gets worse.

I have a little whiner as well, luckily he came second otherwise I don't think we would have had another child. He started throwing tantrums before he was even one (I kid you not).
We are lucky though that his big sister sets a positive good example of how you can laugh even though somebody says that you can't have what you want.

Can you make him an angry corner and tell him that everytime he feel he is getting angry he can go to his special corner and punch some pillows to get the angriness out of him.
If I had a pennie for everytime I say to him I don't understand what you are saying when you whine or shout......

Have you tried things like time out - i.e. pick him up and sit him on a chair or bottom step until he calms down?

I have to say I found a very loud short sharp shout used to work. Still does and DS is now 6.

Don't feel bad about prodding him. We have all done it or something similar. And I am afraid to say that I prob would have slapped him. So well done you.

Give yourself a time out. Lock yourself in the loo for two mins and do some deep breathing, it is a real lifesaver. My dd drives me to distraction some days when she tantrums about every little thing. If you can make it through the week often enough he will be three, they only get easier.

WW, I could have written your first post and it's by the sheer grace of God that I haven't written your last one. DD is 2 and 8 months and in the last 2 months she has turned into the whiniest, angriest child going - I apologise now to anyone whose child has ADS but she gets so irrationally furious if the slightest thing is out of place or not to her satisfaction that I was almost wondering if she might be slightly autistic...

I am left physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day, going out with her is a nightmare, she won't be in the pushchair (which I don't mind) but then won't walk either, throws herself down in the street or sits down in shop doorways (handy!) and won't budge, wants to be carried all the time (I have a bad back and can't physically do this even if I wanted to), going 5 yards down the street takes twenty minutes, the only thing she'll respond to is a threat to take her home (thankfully I have yet to make good on it, but I can see it coming soon!). She no longer listens to a word I say, it seems like her only object in life is to do the opposite of what I ask her - where has my loving, sweet little girl gone??

(actually, I do know, she's havign her nap right now and before I went downstairs she called me back, opened her arms to me and we had a total kiss n'cuddlefest - it's only moments like that that stop me from wanting to hang her upside down out the window!!)

So I'm actually really grateful to read the other responses on here and know I'm not alone - I'm sorry, this is really no use to you at all, but you are not alone either!

I agree with giving yourself time out. Or him; just give yourselves some time when you are NOT in eachother's faces when he's doing this. You may not have to do it many times before he starts to learn that tantrums result in time on his own and nothing else.

and stop feeling you have to 'try everything' iykwim; It's a case I think of deciding on an approach that suits you and sticking with it. If it's giving choices, great; or warnings of when an activity will change, etc. Don't second guess yourself; stick with an approach, give him time out when he tantrums and that is all you can do.
Oh and move on - once he's had time out or stopped his tantrum, get him onto a happy activity and forget it; don't fester.

You can't stop him having them; but you can choose what your response is. Don't let him make you feel desperate and muddled. Stick to your guns.

it really won't last forever!

Talk to your HV? Mine was great when DS got into the habi of not sleeping and coming down to play with Daddy at night. Plus, they se loads worse surely so won't be phased. Sounds totally normal to me - have your friends mainly got girl as they behave v differently to boys.
I found this helped:
Saying stuff like I expected he would do it, in a normal voice. I stopped shouting.
Thinking about punishments I could actually do rather than threatening something I'd never do. EG cancelling a trip etc.
Getting a bin liner and putting his untidy mess into it.
Good luck.

DD had a phase like this, she was just really frustrated when things did not go as she wanted. She is got better but still cries if she is annoyed at anything.

I find the best way of dealing wiht her is to give her a time out, which gives me a time out and stops me hitting her. Sometimes I admit I was at the end of my tether and found it very difficult to control myself.

Even now when she has a strop I tell her to calm down or I am not listening to her. I do not have to send her out of the room now, she is learning to control her temper and discuss her feelings with me.

Hope things improve soon.

He is 21/2 - he is very small. If he is going to nursery and classes he is probably tired. If he has dropped his afternoon nap, he should be in bed by 6.30 at the latest. If that is not the case, then overtiredness and over stimulation might be the reason.

Keep a food diary and see if that sheds any light on his behaviour.

HTH

Oh, just read what I posted, it sounds like I was battering her. I truly wasn't, I just wanted to sometimes

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I'll keep on at it as per your suggestions.