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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Judged for getting married young

57 replies

BabyMummy2020 · 05/11/2020 21:04

I met my hubby at school when we were 16 and we got married 2 years ago when we were both 20. We've just had our first baby and we also bought our little terrace. I always feel like people are judging us for getting married young tho and I can't understand why. We pay our way own our house etc. We are really happy!! AIBU?!?!

OP posts:
TiersTiersTiers · 05/11/2020 22:04

I would think well done - you have managed to buy a home really young. You have found a partner you are committed to.

Maybe they aren't judging, maybe they are envious?

In any event, don't worry too much what others think. Just enjoy life with your husband and baby.

Good luck to you all.

NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs · 05/11/2020 22:09

I agree that the judgement wanes over time. People were taking bets on how long our marriage would last as we were childhood sweethearts wed at 21 and 22.
All the usual comments too, you're too young, haven't lived, need to play the field first etc. Been married for 18 years now and no one says anything negative anymore.

JocelynSchitt · 05/11/2020 22:16

@2bazookas

When you grow up you won't care what other people think about you.
Meow
Namechange8471 · 05/11/2020 22:17

In the nicest possible way,

Nobody probably gives a damn

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/11/2020 22:22

I have friends who married at 16. The only people who judged them were their kids unfortunately.

seayork2020 · 05/11/2020 22:29

@TiersTiersTiers

I would think well done - you have managed to buy a home really young. You have found a partner you are committed to.

Maybe they aren't judging, maybe they are envious?

In any event, don't worry too much what others think. Just enjoy life with your husband and baby.

Good luck to you all.

Envious of what?
Graphista · 05/11/2020 22:31

Each to their own.

I was married at 22 (only just 22 too) and had dd at 28 but would have been a mother sooner but I have Gynae issues.

We're divorced now yes but I don't think it's because we married young, plenty of others married older and split for the same reason (his infidelity).

Hadn't intended to marry young and certainly when we met neither of us were even looking for anything serious we were just on a night out and introduced by mutual friends, as many people meet I suspect.

Dated casually at first, then circumstances changed and we discussed if it was going to be a serious relationship or not and we decided together it would be and things developed as they tend to from there.

Among my friends and family there are maybe half a dozen who are or were with their 1st serious partner/spouse a long time.

The ones where it's "were" sadly were bereaved rather than the relationships breaking down, indeed in one case that was part of the motive for them marrying as quickly as they did. He had a life limiting illness and they didn't want to hang about. They had 15 years together before he sadly passed due to complications.

The ones that are still alive are still together and very happy.

But yes I also of course have some who've not met their "forever person" until they were much older for various reasons and are now settled and happy in their 40's and 50's.

There's extremes both ends and unfortunately they both had people make snarky comments and judged without knowing the people well or the full facts of the situation.

Eg the couple with the sick guy who died married at 17 with the full blessings of both families as they knew the situation, people who didn't even know he was sick (you wouldn't have known from looking at him or even interacting with him if he was having a good spell) passed comment when they should've kept their traps shut. As it was they were "lucky" to get the 15 years they did as that wasn't what was expected. She has remained single since, and they had no dc as it's a genetic condition and they felt that it wasn't worth the risk. They were judged for that by those who didn't know the full story too, at least until he passed .

You don't know what's going on in people's lives, if they're actually making comments then absolutely set them straight (politely - if only to give em enough rope!) but also acknowledge they maybe envy you, or are even concerned for you.

Statistically younger marriages are less likely to last but it's not true for everyone and only you and he know for sure.

As long as you are both happy and treat each other well that's all that really matters.

Ginnymweasley · 05/11/2020 22:41

People do judge. I got married at 21 and for the 1st few years was asked "why would you want to settle down so young" or "you should enjoy your 20's". I remember 2 months before my wedding I went to a friends 21st birthday party and spent about half an hour being told by her mum how I was making a stupid decision etc. That was a fun night. It's our 10 year anniversary next year, and still get the odd "you were so young when you got married" but I just shrug it off. I don't always think people are meaning to sound judgemental either it's just the way it can come across if they are surprised etc.

SunshineCake · 06/11/2020 06:26

It isn't comparable for those that married before twenty and have now been together forty years. Things were different back then. Living together wasn't really acceptable and there were plenty of shotgun weddings too.

LolaSmiles · 06/11/2020 06:34

It all depends on their frame of reference. If they are of the view that your 20s are for holidays, weekends away, drinking, spending lots of time and money on hobbies and travelling etc then getting married and settling down in your 20s will seem.odd to them and they'll probably think you're missing out.

A 20 year old adult getting married isn't really thay shocking so I doubt people are judging, more they find it unusual because it's different to what they would do/what is the norm for them.

KiriAndLou · 06/11/2020 06:41

I think people are probably just a tad sceptical tbh. Every couple I know that started dating in school have now split, including the ones that got married and had kids. I think couples like this are probably more likely to split because of personality changes as they age. Not a foregone conclusion, obviously, and I wouldn't judge, but I don't expect such unions to go the distance.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 06/11/2020 06:58

I reckon it's because it is young according to today's standard, and your 20s are seen as a time to dedicate to finding yourself, travelling, not starting a family like they were decades ago.

Ratched · 06/11/2020 07:01

@SunshineCake

It isn't comparable for those that married before twenty and have now been together forty years. Things were different back then. Living together wasn't really acceptable and there were plenty of shotgun weddings too.
How ancient do you think we are??? We lived together in a bedsit, smoking dope on a Saturday night and going to punk parties. It was the 70s, not the 50sHmm
Crazycakelady17 · 06/11/2020 07:08

I get you me and my DH got married a month after I was 19 he was 20 then moved across the world he was Army, people said we wouldn’t last I had out first Ds at 20.
We have had a great life and still just as happy almost 20 years later you do you and enjoy every second!

Hargao · 06/11/2020 07:09

Quite! I was about to say 40 years ago was 1980. My parents lived together before marriage and that was the late 60s.

Charleyhorses · 06/11/2020 07:14

My dd2 hasn't got married but been with her other half since 15 and now at 22 having a baby.
Will it last? Probably. I met dh at 18 and have been together 34 years so it might run in the family!

Banooshka · 06/11/2020 07:14

Because longterm success rate of such relationships anecdotally isbt great and looking back at my own early 20s and others we were too young to have a baby and know what we need in a long term partner so i wish you happiness together though my cynical side is thinking: talk to us when you are 40.

I think teen and twenties are to experience life, work and travel.. too early to settle. What often happens is by 40 you the rot of 'what ifs' tend to settle. You end up outgrowing each other because you change from that you were as a teen and 20 something.

Best to hang out with people similar to you.

trixiebelden77 · 06/11/2020 07:15

Are people judging?

It’s unusual in my circles because problem are halfway through uni at 20, with another ten years post graduation to be fully qualified.

Very different to school-leavers who’ve worked for a few years by the time they’re twenty.

Either way for some people marriage works out and for others it doesn’t. I’m not sure age has much to do with it.

I certainly don’t think getting a mortgage is a sign of maturity. Plenty of people making very poor decisions manage that.

Sara2000 · 06/11/2020 07:20

It's just unusual these days. I think alot of people associate early marriage with divorce.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 06/11/2020 07:23

Im always astounded by people who get married young. Its not a negative judgement - more how on earth did you meet a decent man and figure out he was the one so quickly? I went to a girls school and didnt meet dh until I was 22.

MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat · 06/11/2020 07:26

I was 21 when I got married 11 years ago. People were surprised but not judgemental as such, especially not to my face! I do feel very lucky to have already had so long with my DH. We get on well and have grown up and grown into each other.

I think feeling judged can also depend on the type of people you meet... frankly being married in the first few years was an irrelevance in my day to day life. Strangers wouldn't have known or found out and everyone who knew me, knew I was married so would have kept their opinions to themselves!

MistressIggi · 06/11/2020 08:38

Women used to be judged for not being married young. Swings and roundabouts.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/11/2020 08:56

People saying "I married at 20 and we've been married 40 years" you do realise your situation is not the same, it was common 40 years ago to be married at that age. It's much more unusual now.

I was married at 21 (in 2012) and divorced 2 years later. I wouldn't be particularly pleased if DS got married at that age to be honest. But if you're happy who cares?

SunshineCake · 06/11/2020 12:26

@Hargao

Quite! I was about to say 40 years ago was 1980. My parents lived together before marriage and that was the late 60s.
Also replying to Ratchet

I wasn't accusing anyone of being "ancient" just didn't do my counting of years. So what. I was thinking about my Grandparents situation.

D4rwin · 06/11/2020 12:33

My parents were married at 17 and 19. They bought the first house at the same time. They are still together. They were however utterly crap parents and I am NC with them, so my opinion is probably biased.
I don't have a problem with young people getting married, even having children. BUT I hope my own children will exercise choices to do other things with their young lives such as education, travel and focusing on careers. As I did at those ages. Young people getting married, historically, has been because of pressure from parents and society. I really don't want my children to ever feel compelled to "settle down" because of what other people want.