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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A friendship one

24 replies

DressesWithPockets · 05/11/2020 09:59

What would you make of a friend who...

  • You have known for 30+ years
  • Gets you gifts for Christmas and birthday
  • Refers to you as one of her closest friends (this was said in a post on Fb)
  • Knows you very well and vice versa, and who you have open and honest conversations with when you do see each other
But also:
  • Rarely texts/WhatsApps - only replies to messages sent to her
  • Never seems particularly keen to meet, it's always "let me check my diary and get back to you" and never does

She has some minor MH issues (depression/anxiety) sometimes which I think I am pretty sympathetic to as I have been through similar things.

I am getting mixed messages. All thoughts and words of wisdom gratefully received!

OP posts:
Sloth66 · 05/11/2020 10:10

Does she meet up with other friends, or not really go out?

DaddysGirlForLife · 05/11/2020 10:11

Has she always been lazy with messaging and meeting Op? If so, then Its not out of the ordinary.

If she is usually one who is quite open to meeting/messaging then I'd find it weird and would pull her up on it.

Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 05/11/2020 10:16

She definitely doesn't go out a huge amount, I think she's mostly happy at home with her husband and kids. (I also have kids so I do understand this complicates things.) But surely you'd want to see a good friend more than once a year? (We live less than an hour from each other.)

OP posts:
Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 05/11/2020 10:18

She's always been a bit like this. I've never been sure how much it's just her or whether it's a reflection of our friendship.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 05/11/2020 10:23

Some people just aren't very sociable. Perhaps she just likes to know that you are there Smile.

If you are that close, why don't you ask her (not by text), in a non-confrontational manner, why she doesn't seem to like meeting up very much?

Sloth66 · 05/11/2020 10:24

For her then, a close friend is someone she only wants/ needs to see once a year. Maybe she’s one of those people content with her home life. Sounds like you want more from the friendship. I’m not sure what else you can do unless you accept the limited contact and constant effort on your part.
Maybe redefine the friendship yourself to being a more limited and remote one and try to make other friends who are willing to meet up?

Houseworkavoider · 05/11/2020 10:26

If she’s not meeting up with other friends then it’s clearly not you she has a problem with.
My guess is that it’s her anxiety.

SpaceOP · 05/11/2020 10:31

Are you me?

One of my closest friends is a lot like this and I do at times have serious angst about it. I know she has anxiety and other MH issues and am sympathetic but sometimes it just feels like I have to work so hard.

For me, what keeps me in there, is that I 100% know I can count on her. When her MH is particularly bad, she might be less responsive etc but even then she'll usually text and tell me that. But for the important stuff, she's never really let me down. I've also come to realise that her husband, who I've always got on with at a surface level, has changed over the last few years and while they are as good together as ever, he is much less interested in seeing her friends and socialising than he used to be and that has an impact. DH and I also think that for some reason he doesn't like us any more, which is odd as I've known him for as long as I've known her and him and DH have always got on. After much agonising, we're almost certain it's not something about us but rather to do with a change in his situation (which I won't go into here) but still... it makes it hard.

The point is that I think if you value this friend and if you understand that her faults are not aimed at you then it is worth continuing the friendship. If, however, the friendship is truly one way and you can't count on her in any way, then I'd say it's time to move on.

Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 05/11/2020 10:40

Thanks everyone. This is really interesting

Sloth66 - yes I think maybe she has a different idea about what she needs from a close friend than I do. I'd not really thought about it like that.

SpaceOP - interesting that I'm not the only one in this situation. Yes I do feel she's still "there for me" (just about) and it's not 100% one way.

I just find it odd that she'd go to the trouble of buying and posting a gift, but is so vague about meeting up. To me it's more important to see each other. I'd hate to think she was buying something because she felt she had to, and isn't actually that bothered about the friendship.

OP posts:
ILoveYoga · 05/11/2020 10:43

She suffers anxiety and depression so doesn’t communicate often but otherwise is a good friend? Of 30 years?

Think you know the issue is her struggles with anxiety and depression. Cut her some slack

HedgehogintheFog · 05/11/2020 10:47

Sounds like she is more of an introvert. She values the social interaction she gets from you, and returns it by being sure to send gifts etc. but prefers not to have too much social interaction. This may be exacerbated by her mental health issues. I think it's 'just what she's like' and you should either accept that or discuss it with her if you find it too much of an issue.

Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 05/11/2020 10:53

Thanks. I'm a massive introvert too but I guess I like to be out of the house more, whereas she's just happy at home with the hubby and the kids.

ILoveYoga - I am genuinely trying to but it gets a bit much when I'm always the one initiating contact, and I wonder whether there's actually a hint I'm not taking (if that makes sense).

I think perhaps I am being a little paranoid though, and the idea that people have different needs from a good friend is definitely one to mull over.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
bethany39 · 05/11/2020 10:56

OP I know you probably didn't mean it like this but I'd be really upset if a close friend described my MH problems as "minor". You don't sound like you really understand how they affect her and the dismissal of them as "minor" just adds to that. They are clearly affecting her more than you think.

Levrierssontmeilleurs · 05/11/2020 11:01

My best friend is rubbish at keeping in touch - I always have to instigate but she always says we must do this more often when we do meet up.

However she would be there like a shot if I needed her - any time of day or night, as I would be for her. She’s just rubbish at keeping in touch

Newfornow · 05/11/2020 11:05

Depends what usual for her. If she is similar with you as she is with others. Then it’s personality. I’d leave it. I’d be upset at lack of consideration or just me.

Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 05/11/2020 11:08

Bethany39 - I'm sorry if that's how it sounded. I mean minor as in: not hospitalised, not on medication. I've had MH issues myself and was very upset when I told a friend I had PND only for her to then disappear from my life for several months. I really do understand what it's like and I included a mention of it in my OP precisely to show that I was aware of it and had taken it into consideration. I have awful days myself and I turned my phone off for several days at the start of lockdown because I felt so anxious. I shouldn't have said minor though, I'm sorry if that gave the wrong impression.

OP posts:
Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 05/11/2020 11:11

Thanks everyone. I was really expecting to be to told I should take the hint that she's not that bothered anymore, and is probably only buying gifts because she feels she has to/out of habit. This has helped me see it in a different way, that we possibly/probably just have different expectations of friendship.

OP posts:
Elmo311 · 05/11/2020 19:39

I avoid my friends when I'm fat... 😫

OldCow1 · 05/11/2020 23:52

I see my most valued friend about once a year. We text a bit in between and birthday/ Christmas cards. I'd say we're both introverts but she's very important to me and I think I'm probably to her.

Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 06/11/2020 09:42

OldCow - thanks, that's really interesting. How far apart do you live, out of interest?

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 06/11/2020 11:15

@Elmo311
Please don’t! I bet they think they have done something wrong or upset you. I’m sure your friends like you for your personality not what you look like.

Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 08/11/2020 18:54

I've been mulling this over and I still feel a bit put out. The reasons being:

  1. She is on SM frequently. Often several posts a day, intelligent and articulate, about both personal stuff (usually pictures of her family) and political. And yet she doesn't think to send me a WhatsApp asking how I am during lockdown? (I messaged her of course, as I did with many friends.) Or initiate any other contact really.
  1. Her parents live literally less than 5m drive from me. She sees them regularly. I've suggested she pop in for a cup of tea or such next time she's around - I thought this would be a nice low-key way to see each other. I've got another friend with family close to me and she does this once or twice a year. But she's never taken me up on this suggestion.

I find both of these odd and a bit hurtful. And perhaps it's not personal but it still seems a bit rubbish. And not the kind of friendship that you'd expect from someone who buys me regular gifts for birthday and Christmas.

Basically this has come to a head in my mind because of the need to decide whether to get her a Christmas present this year. We just don't seem to be such good friends so I can't work out why she bothers.

OP posts:
AbsolutWitch · 08/11/2020 19:02

To be honest I'm like your friend and my mental health plays a huge part.

I value my friends, the ones I've managed to keep over the years are even more important to me because they haven't deserted me despite sporadic contact. However, social contact drains me and after dealing with people all week at work what I have to give beyond that is limited.

Original poster
DressesWithPockets · 08/11/2020 19:07

Thanks AbsolutWitch - I think this is probably how my friend would put it too, if I asked her straight out. Her job is probably fairly intense and she's an introvert. But she never has tried to explain it, and so it comes across as though she's not really that interested in the friendship.

OP posts:
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