Aibu to resign

[LD345]

I got a new boss in 6 months ago. She is awful. Negative, patronising, egotistical, criticial, constantly complains about people behind their backs etc. Makes zero effort to be encouraging and supportive, ice queen personality. When she started I had many bad vibes and after a few weeks I wanted to leave. My post used to be very interesting but due to the negativity and criticism from this boss my mental health is suffering. I am not sleeping well and having bad dreams and have lost all enthusiasm for the role. I have a young family and feel my job is bringing me down in other areas of my life. I used to love my job but now dread it every day. I am paid well but can afford to not work for a months and use savings. At the same time, if I were to resign, I am worried about finding another job whilst being out of work. Applying for jobs is draining in itself and I am worried if I were to resign without another job lined up I might sink into some kind of depression, especially with lockdown/near to Christmas. Then again I might feel liberated by being free from this job. My boss really is a horrible person and I feel my self esteem has really suffered lately thinking about my job constantly and all the critical things my boss has said to me recently. So, aibu to resign?

Can you take unpaid leave (looks better than sick leave) and use that to get job searching?

If you have children you should be ok to take (unpaid) parental leave? I think they can set when it is taken but they can't refuse it I don't think.

If I were you I would get signed off for a couple of weeks, before you make any decisions to hand in your notice. It sounds like you need it anyway and are suffering from high levels of work related stress. The job market is so hard right now that unless you can survive a long while without a job I wouldn’t resign yet. Maybe use time off to rest and also look at what else is açai or work wise. Also if you are signed off with work related stress hopefully when you return tour employer will need to look at how better to support you.

Do you have evidence of her behaviour? Eg emails where she is unreasonable or rude etc. If not I’d start keeping any evidence of her behaviour in case you can use it to support you. Are you in a union you can approach for support?

I left a stressful jobs a few years ago and I think the thing that tipped me over the edge was a new manager. He was awful to me and everyone Else too. He used to do things like stare at me for long periods intensely after I answered a question from him, or fire a quick question at me suddenly as if to test If I knew it. In retrospect I would have challenged him more and gone through senior managers, but I just didn’t have the energy to do that at the time.

Try not to leave without something else lined up, you'll risk kicking yourself if you can't get anything else and you don't need that after a rubbish experience with your exiting job. Your self esteem will have taken an absolute battering. I had a similar job for a long time (with no HR department) and chose to stick it out for the money. Knowing I was choosing to do that gave a silent sense of control if nothing else. I job hunted and cut back on spending as much as possible in the meantime. Choosing to put up with something isn't as passive as it appears if you have a plan attached but I had to grow a very thick skin and didn't feel like myself. It was the right thing for me at the time however. Fingers crossed you can find another job quickly or your manager leaves, imagine!!!

Try to get a job from this job. If you only have savings to cover a few months you may need to claim benefits. There can sometimes be sanction if you voluntarily give up work. At least try another time with HR to improve matters.

You might want to talk to citizens advice about plans.

I'd get signed off and then see if there is any possibility of a phased return as well, to give you more time. I did this when I wasn't coping and I used the time to find another job. It really helped and I never went back full time before I left in the end. I used holiday to stretch it though, when does your leave allowance reset?

Don't worry about what to say to the GP- I was sat in the waiting room feeling a bit fraudulent, burst into tears out of nowhere the second I sat down to see him and was done & dusted in 5 mins. I'd honestly just let it all spill out.

As an aside I walked out of another job (about 6 months later) but only because I had family support to do it. Took me 3 months to find another role.

@Plonthy

Go off with stress.

No law in the land that prohibits you from applying for jobs if you are off with stress, chicken pox or "cant-be-arsed-itis".

Good luck!

I would not do this. When I am recruiting there are few candidates I cannot find out about in a couple of calls. If I were to call and find out that a candidate had taken a good period off ill with limited reasons, then this would colour my view of the candidate. I have hired people who have recovered from stress related illnesses and it is a serious business. I would not do so without really understanding the cause and treatment involved.

I had this with a previous boss I was going to quit and starting look for other roles. But then I moved within the company and he left anyway.

Is there a chance she will move on in a certain amount of time? It could you move within your company?

I hated it and it definitely affected my mental health but a silver lining is now I look back and I did learn from the experience and I’m more hardened by it / less worried about management now. If I can survive him I can survive any manager haha!

I think you need to go back to HR. If there's a problem and she is making your life miserable, then you need to go through the process at work to try and sort it - whether that's asking for a new position internally, a new boss, mediation etc. If she really is this bad, then you may also have a case for constructive dismissal and you'd want to have your issues flagged and logged via HR.

If you can specify her behaviour that is the problem and document it, that will help. Are you the only one who has this issue or are there others who feel similar? Multiple people complaining might have more impact than just one.

If you've got savings to be out fo work for many months, then fine, you might have to go that route. But I'd be hesitant about leaving a job without a new one to go to at this point as it could take months to find something.

Could you visit go with work related stress and in that week apply for loads of other jobs. I would not resign unless had another job as unemployment is rising fast for to Covid.

If you resign without another post you could find all your savings gone and no new jobs on the horizon which would definitely impact on your mh.
Make the extra time wherever you can to do your c.v. And get it out there,be proactive as much as possible within your time limits.
Is there any way you can move sideways at work or get a promotion to at least her level?
I would keep a diary of every time she is unprofessional,bullying and then you have something to back up your claims about her.

@SparklingLime

I'd advise that you avoid getting signed off with stress if you can while applying for other things.

Genuine question, @ODFOx, why is this?

She has a well paid interesting job so likely to be in a smaller industry where people know each other. Having a period of mental illness and recovering is one thing, but to have one immediately before applying for jobs makes you more of a risk and all other things being equal it would make it harder to get another job. .

I really sympathise as I hate my current job.

But as stressful as it is whatever you do don't resign without a job to go to. The job market is really tough at the moment and you're always in a stronger position when you have a job. It may be awful working for this woman but it would probably be worse being out of work, demoralised and unemployed.

Don't leave yourself financially exposed and dependent.

I’ve been in a similar situation, which became unbearable. What helped me was setting a date in my diary by which I would resign come what may, and really focussed on looking for a new job. I gave myself three months, decided how much I needed to make to be ok financially and looked for any jobs that met that salary point. In the end I took a lower responsibility job (with a small drop in salary) and actually resigned to go to that job on the date I had set myself to resign by.

In terms of getting head space, you can self cert for a week of sick leave without needing your GP to sign you off with stress, I’d do that first and use the time to rest and recover, while also planning your leaving date and starting a serious job search. I’d only leave without something to go to as a last resort in the current job market - you may find yourself struggling to get back into work at the moment, especially if your mental health and confidence have been impacted by your work environment. I would leave though - in my experience trying to resolve things with a difficult boss takes even more out of you and can completely undermine your confidence so better to cut your losses than try to work with someone who is so challenging.

I sort of resigned from a job that was getting me down last year. I didn't technically resign, but the job was being restructured and I would have had to reapply, and I decided not to, as that was my best chance of getting out with an "honorable" reason on my CV. I found another job that has so far been the happiest of my life about 2 months later.

Part of me really wants to advice you to resign because it certainly felt liberating for me, and great for my mental health and self-esteem, to get out of that place. However, I did have that lucky break with the restructuring. Is there any chance there might be any opportunity to take voluntary redundancy in the near future? If so, I'd apply and try to hang on until then. I also like the suggestion of finding out if there are any opportunities for a sideways move.

Or is there any chance your boss's behaviour is grounds for a complaint or grievance? Do you know if other people have noticed it too? If there's more than one of you, you'd be in a strong position to make a complaint.

If all else fails and you feel you really have to resign to survive, try to get another job - any job - not necessarily the sort you were used to - as soon as possible. I do believe it is normally easier to get a job when you've got a job - I just got lucky last time!

At more than one point in my career this was me.
Honestly get signed off and do not worry about "the judgement" or ruining ypur career or reputation (as i did)

The second time it happened I actually got a doctor's note and said fuck it. Within 2 weeks I ended up with a job paying 50% more and a non psychotic boss.
Is the new job perfect? No
Does it make me cry every Sunday? No

Being signed off won't follow you to your next job and in a lot of offices if someone is sogned off sick serious questions are asked about the management

Definitely get signed off with stress for two weeks and use the time to apply for jobs. You have nothing to lose at this point

You should raise a formal grievance using your company procedure. Your grievance will need to be investigated by an independent manager and you will be asked for evidence. Your boss will then be interviewed and an outcome will be issued. If your grievance is upheld then your boss could get disciplined or even dismissed. If she is not dismissed you could ask for mediation to ensure you can continue to work together.

If her skills are highly sought after and she is competent (even if she's horrible) then be prepared for your company to sacrifice you rather than her.

But if it gets bad for you, then I suggest taking a week off which you can self certify without a doctors note. Use that week to seriously job hunt.

A lot of reaching going on there, @ODFOx!!

A couple of possible alternatives to either taking unpaid leave, resigning or getting signed off sick (which I’m not discounting, just providing other ideas since being away from negative boss is clearly important but not working is often not great for mental health either) -

Furlough, if it’s being offered at your work
A move within your company to another team

I would raise a formal grievance with HR. I would cite the worsening behaviour since you discussed it with them last. In any decent workplace bullying as a result of a complaint is usually treated as gross misconduct.

Definitely don't leave without a job to go to in the current climate. My role got made redundant in June due to coronavirus - I'll be lucky to be in a new job by Christmas. The only job offer I've had is a 30% pay cut.

YANBU to leave if you are unhappy. However, there are lots people job hunting just now, many people at risk if redundancy or job loss and so on. . Maybe you are in a field where you are very unlikely to struggle to get a job (though if so, why haven’t you managed it yet?), but if not you need to bear that in mind.

Generally, it is easier to get a job if you have a job. Gaps in employment can be looked on differently by employers, but again something you need to consider. I’d have thought that you’d need to do something worthwhile if the gap is “a few months” in some industries/fields, so I think at the very least you need to have some sort of plan regarding what you would do to make sure that time is nor wasted and does not hold you back.

Though, overall I do think you need to give yourself a bit of a talking to and stop making excuses about not having looked for work as you are “too busy”. I’m sure you are busy, stressed and tired, but you need to take a bit of responsibility for the situation. If finding another job really is important to you then stop making excuses and putting it off. Make looking for a jobthe priority and get on with it.

@afrikat

Definitely get signed off with stress for two weeks and use the time to apply for jobs. You have nothing to lose at this point

Why during a time where recruitment is a buyer's market would anyone be picking a person who

A) is willing to commit fraud and leave the company in the lurch because they dont like thier boss and wanted some time off to look for a new job?

B) is currently medically unable to work.

When theres a host of people who dont have those issues?

@Elsewyre

Fraud?