Elderly mother & brother lockdown (unable to form a bubble)

[Sweetchillijam]

Sorry bit of a rant. Brother early 50’s never married and still lives at home with my mother late 70’s so I can’t form a bubble with her as its not a single person household. Brother works PT in supermarket on min wage has a slight disability but perfectly capable. My father died during 1st lockdown which was dreadful. Myself and sis both have families of our own and both live fairly close by. Sis 5 min walk away from mum and self 15-20 min drive away.
Mum in relatively good health for her age doesn’t have any care needs but she doesn’t drive and has lost her confidence as father had dementia so she spent a lot of time in the house before his death and gets understandably down from time to time as father only died 6 months ago.
After lockdown restrictions were lifted we both went round individually and did what we could to help cheer mum up (around work/family, I work WFH pt 3 days a week and was on the original shielded list, sister works pt slightly more hours over 5 days in public facing role).
Anyway at the weekend I explained to my mum unfortunately we wouldn’t be able to take her out or visit her indoors with the new restrictions but I would come and visit at the window. She told me not to bother and just to keep in touch by phone. Its awful as she doesn’t drive, doesn’t tolerate the cold well and often liked to link my arm when out.
My sister didn’t say anything to her and visited her indoors on Sunday after we went into tier 2 and has said she is going to continue visiting throughout this next lockdown. She also lets her 10 year old go round to my mums on her own as she plays on the park near mums house in the school holidays and on a weekend to use my mum for childcare and she visits my mums if she needs the loo as its closer than her house.
Last night my brother messaged me in the early hours and had a go at me for not doing enough and not visiting my mum on my days off etc and he got really nasty with me. I am doing the right thing to protect my mum and abide by lockdown rules and not visit but keep in touch everyday by phone.
Or should I be tempted to break the rules like my sister is just to appease my brother/enhance my mums life but possibly pass virus on as both myself and my sister have kids at secondary school. PS nothing really needs doing as such my mum doesn’t have any care needs and my brother is just aggrieved that he is now having to collect the odd bit of shopping for my mum etc. But I think he feels a lot of guilt as he wasn’t very tolerant or sympathetic towards my dad in his last few months so he is upset/angry and lashing out at me. How/what are others doing in terms of supporting elderly parents who don’t have care needs but don’t live alone so can’t form a support bubble with them or how could you advise me etc.

Forget what other people are doing. What do you want to do?
Don't get bullied into something by your brother. If you want to see your mum because you are worried she might go downhill without, then go and see her.
If you are more worried about potentially causing harm then don't.
It's (supposedly) only 4 weeks but the virus will still be around after.
You are no more or less likely to pass the virus on now as you will be in 4 weeks.

It's not abut the likelihood of passing on the virus now versus in 4 weeks. It's that if you get it now, there is a risk the NHS will be too overwhemed to care for you.

Thanks it’s both really I am hearing a lot more people I know quite well and live quite near me catching covid now and several scares in both my DC’s schools.
But I also worry about my mums happiness as my brother can be quite snappy, awkward and insensitive at times.
I worry about myself and my mum catching it from my sister or brother too. As neither of them are following the guidance and that doesn’t sit well with me either.

I'm in a similar situation but like your sister have formed a support bubble with my mum even though brother lives with mum. It's because he is useless. If we left them to it my mum would have no one to talk. She is shielding so no shops for her, her only opportunity to get out of the house is for us to take her to the woods/lake so she can have a change of scene.

I agree with your sister I'm afraid, we've had to be pragmatic for mum's mental health, the lockdown is impacting her MH.

Why is your brother having a go, does he take care of mum or expect you and sis to do it?

You are allowed to perform caring duties if your mother requires care. I don't think that has to mean wiping her bum etc, I'd think living with an adult child with a disability at her age she may well require some support.

You are also allowed to form a childcare bubble with one other household, but it's meant to be so you can work.

You can’t in good conscience expose your mum to more risk of COVID because the person she lives with - her son - is cross about living with her! And that’s what it boils down to, right?

It’s a shit situation all round but I can’t imagine it’s massively onerous picking up groceries for the person you live with if you work in a bloody supermarket!

You seem to have a handle on the fact that a) you’re following guidelines b) you’re the person furthest away and c) your mum is exposed enough in different ways (your brother, sister, niece) to add unnecessarily to that.

It’s 4 weeks, we hope. Visit at the window, video call etc. But don’t get guilted into something - you’re all still grieving in a pandemic, it’s not usual times so usual rules aren’t helpful.

Your sister is effectively providing care, even if that isn't physical. You can say to your brother that it's not allowed for you to visit, too. If he doesn't understand that then he's not do capable.

So

She's vulnerable go and visit her.
If someone is not hardy enough to safely meet the legal requirement of going and staying out to get company, that is a sensible reason to see them indoors.

Why is he moaning about shopping when he works in a supermarket? Is he capable of independent living? If so get him to move out so you can form a bubble with her.

0h God I misread so sorry of course if you don't want to go don't

You can meet your mum outdoors under the new rules. Any one person can meet up with another one person (not necessarily the same one each time). So you CAN take her out. But you need to remain outdoors.

Can you do that? I know it means you can't help in her home, but it would show that you care and want her company.

I don’t want to state his disability as its outing but he can drive and work. He is extremely old fashioned/set in his ways. My mum has basically wiped his arse his whole life its like learned helplessness. He couldn’t afford to move out and is used to basically all meals made, washing done, cleaning done, he might occasionally wash the dishes and filling his days taking his dog on an extended walk and talking to people. I think he had been talking to
someone else who’s wife had died of cancer and his daughter visits him everyday. So he expected my sister and I to do the same. But the man he was talking to lives alone so she can do that and form a support bubble if she is free.

She doesn’t drive and she isn’t keen in being out in the cold so not really.

You know you’re in the right. Stop second-guessing yourself.

Why are you considering breaking the law to appease your brother. How would you feel if you deliberately broke the law and in doing so infected your mother? Unlikely to be a good outcome at her age and how would you ever live with yourself?

You can’t form a support bubble and your mum doesn’t have caring needs. Also if your sister is visiting you really don’t need to visit too. It’s just plain breaking the rules if you do. Stick to outside walks like you’re allowed to.

Op are you or Sis living alone / with kids, do you want to form a bubble ?

If you don't feel you want to and don’t feel your mum has specific needs for need to support then don’t visit. I think many people are balancing different factors and each person will have a different outcome based on their and their families own circumstances.

I’ll be visiting my parents as mum is disabled and dad is depressed and they are having to prepare for a move to a bungalow that they need help with. So although I won’t be doing care in terms of personal care they do need help/support to manage their move which will be happening before Xmas.

I really wouldn't worry about it if I were you.
Why?
Two reasons: mental health issues are reasonable excuse for seeing people.
It could be reasonably argued that an elderly person is suffering.
Also, the police have said that they will not get involved in people's private lives but will stop obvious breaches like parties, raves and large gatherings.

To be absolutely blunt, the whole mental health aspect is something the police won't want to argue about.

It saddens me that people will blindly follow these rules because they lack the nous to know different and As a result suffer. I mean this in a nice way but the police won't give a proverbial if a person visits an elderly relative. They're not going to argue about it for heaven 's sake.

You want to stick to the rules, your DB wants you not to so you can do more and he can do less. Your DM would benefit mentally from your visits, but there is an increased risk of catching coronavirus as a result.

In your circumstances I'd do what you are doing, but reconsider if lockdown stretches beyond the stated 4 weeks.

Thanks all @rookiemere thats about the size of it.
I feel my mum is at more risk than she should be with DB working in a supermarket and going to other shops on his own and with my mum (to fill time in), my niece is going round to my mums for the loo, my sis and her partner were bragging on FB this morning that no stupid rules are going to tell them what they will carry on doing what they like. Also my elder niece at Uni in a level 3 area got the train home two weeks ago and visited my sisters house but didn’t stay over night. So I feel because they are being so irresponsible I myself being high risk/vulnerable don’t want to catch it either. Families!!