To wonder what happens if you tell a HV you’re not coping well?

[TwinkleInMyEye2020]

What help is actually out there? And are there consequences to asking for/accepting it?

Mine increased her visits and suggested I go stay with my parents for support.

Mine increased visits and sent me to a group thing for other parents with PND.
He did some forms with me to weigh up where I was on some kind of scale.
Wish I hadn't told him at first as I felt under a spotlight but actually in retrospect I really needed the help. I'm very grateful now, I think I would have spiralled if I didn't have someone independent from the family to help.

OP you need to go and see your GP. A qualified doctor with the ability to critically analyse information and life experience who can prescribe and refer you to the appropriate agencies and/or MH professionals who can help you.

All an HV can do is refer you to the GP. They can't refer and they can't prescribe. At best they are variable in the context of experience and competence. So are GP's of course but they do tend to have a higher level of clinical skills and can do the things you need. Cut out the middle man (or woman)

They can make suggestions. They have contacts for people who can help you, specialists or even baby groups and classes. Little tips etc and also just a friendly ear!

They will not run to social services and think you're a shit mother so don't be worrying about that. Their job is to help

I lost thousands gambling during lockdown. I messaged the betting company that I felt suicidal. They were based in Greece. They told the police in the UK and I had them come to my door and ask to come in. I had to speak to a mental health nurse on the phone for an hour before they'd close the case . They could see I was ok and not going to do anything to me or my son. The next week the HV asked to come and check on me and she was lovely about it all. Honestly, no one will be out to get you they want to help.

My friend was really struggling with her newborn and toddler while her husband worked abroad. Her HV visited every second day and even watched the children while she had a shower.

Mine has been brilliant. I’ve got PTSD / OCD after having DS and they’ve been very helpful and supportive. Things are on the up now but I know she’s a phone call away if I need her. She never judged me.

Mind told me she counted her blessings, was glad for what she had etc. - with the implication I should too, she seemed completely discouraging and and I felt shut down.

Oh the roses
HVs are trained nurses and midwives who then study for a year at college/ uni. They can refer directly to many other professionals. But by most importantly, they are carers who want to help and support you.

@kezzywezzy yes, precisely. Nurses with an extra year of study. If a mother needs anti-depressants they can't deal with it. If a baby needs a referral to a paediatrician, ENT specialist - they can't deal with it. A doctor can.

My HV gave me a hug, talked to me, asked me to see my GP for support with PND and called me to check I had made an appointment and that I was ok. My GP was then wonderful and supported me to get help, and was very generous with her time, checking on me frequently. I am so relieved that I talked to my HV. I'm not an open person, and just burst into tears on her unexpectedly and it all came tumbling out. I know some people have not had positive experiences here, and I'm so sorry about that, but OP it's always worth talking to someone if you're struggling in any way. It honestly was the start of things getting better for me. It took a while, but we all got there in the end. They're there to help you and your family. I hope everything is ok for you.

My HV was the first person I ever told about my husband's abuse (which suddenly ramped up when our first DC was born) and that I couldn't cope with him. She told me if he wanted to speak to someone about parenting to contact her. Obviously he didn't. So that was that, nothing was done. Cue years of suffering afterwards for me.

Nurses are highly trained experts.

What worries me isn't the extend of the training a HV receives. It's the nature of that training and the fact they can go so badly wrong.

Our HV did some appalling things. Really, seriously negligent and ignorant. I wish I thought that was the exception, but I've heard similar from many other people. In particular, it's very clear HVs are often unsure how to support mothers who mix-feed their babies, and especially mothers whose babies were sick and who were tube fed in hospital.

My hunch is that some HVs get excellent training to help them to specialise, and others get awful training. Simple as that.

@OhTheRoses

I can refer to a specialist actually. The role of an HV/nurse is very different to a GP or Dr. It is wrong to compare. We have a completely different skill set and our work is defined by a contrasting model of care. As we approach things from a salutogenic perspective, I do not restrict mothers/families to 10 minutes of my time like many GPs do. My contacts are rarely under one hr.

I'm so pleased to see all the lovely experiences of HVs here. I cried on mine for 45min during our initial meeting, she said she would check in on us but I never saw or heard from her again 😢 even our 10month check was just the ASQ posted out with a business reply envelope, not even a phone call.

I got help through the Birth Reflections service at the hospital though. There were no 'consequences' of admitting I was struggling other than getting the counseling I needed 🌼

@MrsPatrickDempsey well contact with my HV has two wasted hours of my life. I had lots of questions - things like:

"I agree with vaccination but I would like some more information about research into early vaccination and the development of allergies". Oh, I don't know. "Well can you find out" Sir she referred my baby to the immunologist for his breathing difficulties. He did not have breathing difficulties.

I was diagnosed with mastitis yesterday - can you tell me how long it takes to get better "Oh I don't know about that, you need to speak to the midwife". Can the ABs harm the baby? "I don't know".

What is your role and what qualifies you to advise me. " I've done an HV course and I qualified as a nurse" "It's my job to tell you how to look after your baby" (Oh really thought I).

After the second bout of mastitis and in severe pain I phoned her and asked her for help and was told "I'm not an expert, you should phone the NCT" Not being an expert didn't stop her telling me breast was best though. Wonder if she knew why.

I found the hv service a complete and utter waste of time. Indeed something of a national scandal. My HV was rude, inexperienced, incompetent and bone idle. And probably about 25 with very little life experience whereas I was a married woman, in my mid 30s with a carèer behind me.

As a PP said, health visitors are nurses or midwives with a additional training. But that additional training is very limited in scope and depth. In my experience they are notorious for drastically over-stepping their areas of expertise. Midwifery training is wonderful when dealing with pregnant women and very newborn babies. Not so relevant when dealing with toddlers. Nursing training is great when caring for sick people. Not so helpful when the issue is sleep problems in a 4 year old. In my experience they tend to trot out clichés and advice based on their own limited experience rather than sound evidence-based information.

Oh and 10 minutes would have been more than enough. "Hello there, I'm Xxx, here's an info pack, you can come to clinic if you want, here are my conta t details". A mutually convenient appointment woukd have been good too rather than sending a letter 2nd class that arrived ten minutes before the given time. Had she arrived at 9 that would have been bad enough but no she was 15 minutes late for her first apt of the day. Just not good enough and totally discourteous.

My baby was born on Xmas day. She turned up on about 6th Jan. You woukd think that someone with an iota of common sense might have rung rather than send a second class letter wouldn't you? But hey all that training and intellect! None of my friends had much better.

My HV is brilliant and has been a rock for me this past year helping me with my baby and her appointments and the effect covid had. She doesn't take no for an answer and really fights our corner. I have masses to thank her for.

At the start of lockdown 1 I had a total meltdown. Typical my HV was on leave but another one called me back within an hour, gave me excellent advise. None judgemental and very understanding and pointed me in direction of where to go. We decided to go private rather than where she said but only due to other circumstances. Afterwards they checked how we were doing but in a genuine way, no judgement

@jgjgjgjgjg

As a PP said, health visitors are nurses or midwives with a additional training. But that additional training is very limited in scope and depth. In my experience they are notorious for drastically over-stepping their areas of expertise. Midwifery training is wonderful when dealing with pregnant women and very newborn babies. Not so relevant when dealing with toddlers. Nursing training is great when caring for sick people. Not so helpful when the issue is sleep problems in a 4 year old. In my experience they tend to trot out clichés and advice based on their own limited experience rather than sound evidence-based information.

I often wonder if early years qualified teachers wouldn't be more helpful in dealing with the challenges of toddlers. Seems a shame that the training is only for nurses but the advice they given is mostly non medical but childcare, behavioural or parenting related.

@OhTheRoses

OP you need to go and see your GP. A qualified doctor with the ability to critically analyse information and life experience who can prescribe and refer you to the appropriate agencies and/or MH professionals who can help you.

All an HV can do is refer you to the GP. They can't refer and they can't prescribe. At best they are variable in the context of experience and competence. So are GP's of course but they do tend to have a higher level of clinical skills and can do the things you need. Cut out the middle man (or woman)

Wrong.

They do do referrals. And some can prescribe so this advice is crap. In fact a GP is more likely to signpost you to a HV for a referral.

They will offer support, referrals, increased contact. If you don't get joy from your named HV, ask for the Duty HV instead.

I had an amazing HV for my first, I was in pieces and struggling with a shitty housing situation and she couldn't have tried to be more helpful. Then I moved and had to change and my new one was beyond useless and I never saw her, only spoke to her on the phone where she was very dismissive.

I know a fair few through my line of work and overall they are great and are there to help and support families wherever they can. I certainly don't recognise the shitty reputation they've got on here, where often there is a lot of bullshit misinformation.

They will help. No negative consequences, you don't have your "card marked", it's nothing like shopping yourself to social services. Many, many mums struggle and need extra support.

They will help you, support you, listen to you. Mine was amazing, she saved me. On the second visit I was in bits, I had newborn twins and a 2 year old with a less than supportive (now ex) H. I was really struggling, babies had severe reflux, I was losing weight because I literally didn't have time to eat or drink between the 3 of them.

She dropped her bags on the floor, sat me down and picked the other baby up. She made me a cup of tea and a sandwich and sorted my toddler while I ate, I think she might have even washed some pots!!!! I think I just sat there dazed. She spent about 3 hours with me, we talked, she was genuinely lovely. She saw me weekly after that, I really needed it. She got me to go to my GP, I didn't want to but she explained what would happen and what I needed to say - totally nipped my fast emerging pnd in the bud, she even called the GP so I didn't have to repeat the whole thing.

Just small things, she told me to just give them a bottle. I knew this is what I wanted to do but was expecting her to push me to keep trying to bf, but she didn't. And we were all so much more better off for it. It was one of the best decisions I made in the early weeks and she totally supported me with it.

She saved me, and my kids, it was a really tough time, she was such a huge help.

My mums HV took my brother out on her round one day so my mum could sleep as she was on her knees with exhaustion.

Mine referred me to my GP - who put me on antidepressants '(literal lifesavers) and I had CBT.

I held it in for a long time but being honest was the best thing.

They can help if they listen and record information correctly.

My HV was in her 20s and had very little life experience and very little aptitude to do any work. My GP however was a lovely woman on her mid 40s with specialists in children's and women's health and had three children. She was far more helpful when my HV wasn't interested. When HVs were telling my friends nothing could be done for glue ear before the age of 7 she referred to ENT and problem resolved by the time ds1 was 15 months.

I'm sure some are helpful. Mine weren't and when I called the head HV and asked what theor role was I was told it was to make sure mothers spoke enough to their children for them to develop speech. This was 25 years ago I appreciate.