Aibu to be so completely hurt and angry

[Changeynamehurt]

I don't even know what I'm trying to say really. I started my first job as a manager a few years ago in a notoriously very difficult workplace environment. This involved me working underneath a very, very difficult person who has a reputation for being a tyrant and who gave me absolutely zero training, guidance or support and essentially just threw me into the workplace and told me to figure it out on my own. Which I have tried to do, to the best of my ability. And whilst doing so, trying to deal with a few difficult individuals within my team who have made my life hell for the past few years. There has been constant backstabbing, reporting to the aforementioned "difficult" boss on every little thing I do, completely just ignoring my presence entirely, or just being downright unprofessional and rude to my face regardless of how I speak to them. Essentially bullying really.

It has been so hard trying to work out and run this department as was expected of me, and has been so stressful on me too. And now I have found out that, after going through this entire load of crap for the past few years, these people have spent the entire time bitching about me and reporting to my manager that I am unpleasant to work with because I'm not happy in my job. Aibu to think no fucking shit? These people are excusing their actions by saying things like "oh we were worried about you because you weren't happy" but I am so fucking pissed off and angry because I know this isn't true. I feel like if they genuinely gave a shit they would ask me if I was ok, not talk about me behind my back and complain to my manager that I'm not "happy".

My manager now is absolutely convinced that I am a problem person, that everyone hates me in our workplace and has told me, point blank, that I need to change who I am as a person to make our colleagues like me. And I dont want to do this, because i know the people spreading these rumours are a small minority of bullies and I refuse to stoop to their level to try and make them happy, and I refuse to change myself into someone I'm not to please someone else. The majority of people I work with I get along with and are not an issue, it is only a small but very vocal minority.

I don't even know what to do, other than cry or maybe speak to HR and see if they can help me. I genuinely dont know how I will ever be able to work with or trust these people again for what they have done to me. I have been bullied so many times before in my life, both at school and in other workplaces that this has hurt me so incredibly much. I feel now like if I dont go into work every morning with a forced smile on my face and cheery disposition, even when working with these people who have hurt me so deeply, that they will continue to report to my manager again and again like some sort of perverse torture method until they break me down enough that I leave. Which I refuse to do because I wont give them that satisfaction.

Firstly, join a union and secondly, speak to ACAS and gather evidence to take to HR.

Your manager is bullying you via these colleagues and the discussion about you changing your personality is both cruel and idiotic. Do you have that in writing? What is your HR policy on appraisals? You don't need to do anything other than be yourself in the role and treat everyone with respect, no matter how they treat you.

Talk to HR. And if that doesn't work just leave. No amount of money is worth working in that snake pit surely?

Firstly, your boss is useless. The correct response would have been to tell the complainers that how happy you are in your job is none of their business and irrelevant to how they do their job. Work is not somewhere to go to have an ace time with really fun, jolly people, it’s somewhere you go to work. Speak to an employment lawyer (check your home insurance to see if you’ve got legal cover then find a local employment specialist) or join a union. Life is too short to put up with rubbish like that.

Sorry to hear noone deserves to be billed. What do they report? Is it that you are unhappy as they say they are concerned? Or are they saying you are not capable,not pulling your weight etc

As per PP, but also- employee
Assistance programme if you have one and importantly, sign up for any management or leadership training you can. You might learn something but more importantly it shows that you are being open and willing to ‘improve’. Then if the boss or HR say anything, you can say you’re taking steps proactively to be the best manager you can- what have they done?

There are two sides to every story.

@PawPrincess

There are two sides to every story.

How is this remotely helpful to OP?

Agree with prior posters as well. Only want to add that I’m shocked you are being treated that way by a few of your direct reports. Have you started disciplinary action against any of them for their unprofessional insubordination and bullying behaviour? I’d talk to HR about the few really bad ones. Even if one swore or shouted at you once, you can get them on gross misconduct as you are their superior.

Your manager is not mentoring you as a new manager so you are in sink or swim. Every new Department I’ve managed has always had a few bad eggs that I had to discipline into shape or take all the way to sacking and replacing them. Doing personnel transfers between departments can also solve personnel problems if you have good relations with other department heads.

I think pawprincess has a point, why do your team think your unpleasant, try and think what you could have done differently

I think situations like this are best addressed in a meeting setting, where you can get to the bottom of why they don’t like you. Maybe you’re not aware of something you’re doing, which throws out a wrong impression? I’ve recently been told that when I started my job, I came across as stand offish with work colleagues, which they had labelled as snobbery and being unfriendly. I wasn’t aware I was coming across that way. We get on really well now, but maybe that’s the case with you? Even so, it’s not nice to feel bullied like this.

Leave. Why would you stay so long in such a poisonous place anyway

Why are you still there?

I think the way you are being treated is disgusting. I know you don’t want to and jobs are not easy to come by but, honestly, if you can I would leave. They are not worth your time and effort.
Let them swim in their own poison... good luck...

Appalling OP, fight this

I need to change who I am as a person to make our colleagues like me.

He's asking the impossible. No one can change who they are. You can change the way you behave, but your manager should be supporting you in suggesting different strategies you could try.

I've been in this situation - it became, frankly, Kafka-esque because any strategy I tried to get the bullies onside was twisted and used as further 'evidence' that I was the problem.

It was never officially sorted out, but a general restructure mixed teams up and thankfully, broke up the clique of bullies. I've since moved roles and following my awful experience, I would never want to be in a managerial role again.

So, no real advice other than to ask your manager for definite guidance rather than 'change who you are' which is vague nonsense, and if there is a way of breaking up the clique by moving people around, you could explore that.

What concrete evidence have they supplied to back up their claims? You are entitled to see it. Otherwise it's just hearsay. I'd see an employment lawyer. But meanwhile, ask for the evidence to support their claims, copy in HR. Then you can calmly refute & give any necessary context or explanation, in writing again, copying in HR.

I would keep a diary and get as much written down as possible before you go to HR.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Have you asked for training again ?

Do you have regular meetings with your team members or one to one meetings ?

Do you set up 360 feedback surveys ?

Do you set up anonymous surveys, where you control the questions - ask your team members what they want to be improved

Sounds like the communication needs to be improved all round

I think you need to look critically at your behaviour here.

Whilst you can’t “change who you are as a person” being a good manager does mean adopting behaviours which may not come naturally to you.

You seem to take exception to the idea that you might be compelled to go into work with a “forced smile on my face and cheery disposition” but really this is what you need to be doing. You have a team that you need to support and being miserable isn’t going to help you.

I’m sorry you feel this way, this sounds exactly like what’s happening at my workplace with my management, it is quite a toxic environment much like this.
One of my seniors was embarrassed in a team meeting this morning and just 🤦🏼‍♀️ what an amazing way to boost team morale.

Is part of your job chasing people for things and maybe they don’t like your management style and how you approach them? Remember back to what it was like at school, what qualities did the teachers have that were well respected, compared to the ones who were walked all over by the students. Can you try to embody these qualities and be more like them? I feel as though the good teachers always had an ability to get on your level and develop a mutual respect.
Are you being like one of the unnecessarily strict teachers who no one likes? Do you contradict yourself quite a lot and find yourself getting flustered?
If I could give frank advice to my senior I would say that I think you need to develop a tougher skin about people bitching try not to let it get to you and you just have to realise that sometimes people need a scapegoat and they pick on the easiest target, don’t start to crack or they’ll sense the weakness and do it even more.
Not all people are nice and people can be toxic like that, but don’t let it affect your positivity. Be more laid back about the little things, I know it may seem like a good way to exert your authority and point out people’s mistakes but if you don’t have their respect it is a pointless exercise.

In my experience you'd do anything for a good manager as you know they'd do everything for you, you're a team so it's essential you get on.

I’m sorry, but if your team has taken against you, they may well have a point. Is it them or you ? There’s more of them, it’s unlikely they are all wrong.

I’m sorry, but if your team has taken against you, they may well have a point. Is it them or you ? There’s more of them, it’s unlikely they are all wrong.

This can be the case. However I've also worked in environments where one or two people have fallen victim to the office bitch and her followers.