How should I explain a disability to my child?

[Cakeandcustard123]

Aibu to not know how to explain disability to my 4 year old?

My daughter recently asked what was wrong with another little girl in a shop who was doing a high pitched screech and looked to have a cognitive/learning disability. The mother clearly heard my child ask the question and could hear my response to her and I felt embarrassed that I didn't have anything prepared to say.

I was totally caught on the hop and didn't know how best to answer. Has anyone got any good suggestions of how to explain this? I mumbled something about the little girl having different needs to us but she probably enjoys the same jokes and tv programs she does and then distracted her onto something else and had a chat afterwards about asking those questions more quietly in future. I didn't want her to think it was something taboo that she shouldn't ask about either.

In short I made a total cock up of it and want to do better next time! And if you were that mother, I really hope we didn't offend you.

My response was totally inadequate and so I'd like to know- if you have a child with disabilities how would you like me to be explaining this to my child that teaches them empathy and not to be judgemental? Would you

We are all different, hair colour etc. Some people are a bit different because their brains don't work the same. Some people have legs that don't work etc, but children still go to school and enjoy the same things as you do and adults enjoy life too.

My DGS goes to a special school and sees so many disabilities that he thinks that's the norm.

My kids are very young so I can't comment yet OP. But I'm bumping the post for you!

Agree with PP, telling your DD that everyone is different, we have different hair, different noses, different ideas, different hopes and dreams.................and at the same time we're all 'normal'.

You can add examples e.g well, Mary has blue eyes, and Sophie has brown eyes, and you have green eyes........but all colour eyes are 'normal'. It's the same with 'disabilities', some people have legs that don't work like yours do, and some people have ears, but they don't work like yours do etc etc, but they are all still 'normal'

Kids are very adept at spotting differences between themselves and others. All you need to do is to explain that everyone is individual (like snowflakes), but we're still all the same i.e people/ human.

I always think the best model for how to treat children with disabilities is to watch their siblings. Siblings simultaneously have the measure of the disability at the same time as it not being the defining feature of how they perceive their disabled sibling.

I have a friend who's son has behavioural difficulties. I explained it to my children "you know how at school some people understand new ideas straight away and some people need more help? Well X struggles with his behaviour so Y (his mum) has to give him extra help with that. He doesn't always get it right. It is not ok for him to hurt you, and Y and I are keeping a close eye to make sure he doesn't." (We have to be proactive and prepared to change plans).
Physical disabilities are easier in a way as there is no threat to your child. A child in my family has brain damage affecting his understanding and also his vision. My DD hadn't realised he was blind, she just thought he couldn't read. When aged 4 I asked if she had realised he was blind she asked why his mum didn't just get him some glasses. I know everyone in the world has an opinion on how special needs parents should be doing it better (several strangers have voiced it to the parents in my family) but I didn't realise it started so young! Most people aren't offended by polite enquiries from a child, especially as you didn't seem to encroach on the other family in the shop.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful replies. I'll have a bit of a chat with my daughter about it tomorrow and see if I can do a better job of explaining it second time around!

At that age I just said something like 'oh we're all the same but a bit different', fleshed out as they got older. There are two girls in wheelchairs in my daughters' class (for complete different reasons) not a single one of the children in the class see a barrier. It's eye opening.

I would try to distract them, my daughter has autism and would hate to hear people discussing her loudly in a shop so I would change the subject then speak to them about it after.

I'm a school senco and am very hands on. During lockdown when we were open for key workers and vulnerable children, including sen, I had to take my 7 and 1 year old with me some days. I just explained to my 7 yo that some of Mams boys and girls find things really tricky and they need us to be patient and listen to them and do things differently. She spent time with some of my sen children and understood that simple reasoning brilliantly.

My DD has very visible physical disabilities (can’t walk, can’t talk etc) she’s totally “there” (at 3 is about 18 months mentally).
So when children stare (and actually they do aaages before parents do because actually she looks pretty “normal” except her mouth is held open) I usually talk to her and say “oh look DD, here’s a lovely little boy/girl/family/dog/car) and they sometimes ask what’s wrong but usually don’t.
My nephew has ASD and ADAD and comments on everything but.. that’s because he’s so used to being upset about being “different”.
I’ve given him the medical explanation of what’s going on (her brain and her muscles aren’t connecting well etc). He asks when she will walk. Given that I believe she will I say “I don’t know for sure that she will. But if she does, I’d guess not before 7”.
His sister tells me how we are all different etc.
I don’t think (for me) that stopping children saying things about and to each other (if it’s not bullying) difference is bad.
I think- kids, they’ll say how it is!!

I mean to say, you actually did well IP.
Next time.. maybe say (I know this often dog talk) ask can we say hello etc

I would start with saying that we dont point out people differences loudly as some people feel bad about their differences. But with learning and developmental disabilities explain that everybody's brain works differently, some people are good at maths but bad at drawing, some people like jigsaws while others like football. And some people find things very difficult that we find easy, so for some people going to the supermarket is really scary because its noisy and bright and theres lots of people. So we need to help those people more and give them space and respect. Same for children who are disruptive in class, some children take a little longer to learn to sit still or to listen quietly or to play nicely, but it's not because they're naughty, you didn't used to be very good at those things but you learned, it's just a little harder for that boy to learn but we have to be patient and help him and he will learn.

I started our discussion the same way but also included that some people had had unfortunate events that provide permanent results. Also, that the disabilities were never a choice.

I am encouraging my daughter that there is no such thing as 'normal' - we all have our differences in many ways, it is important to accept our own selves and by doing that, accept that everyone else is different too

I have a 10 year old child who goes to a special school and is learning disabled.

I have told both of his brothers, cousins and friends that he has a different brain. I explain that sometimes his different brain makes him cross because he can't understand some of the things they understand and he doesn't always like the things they like.

Kids really seem to understand this categorisation. I'm not fussed by the 'we are all different' approach because a child with a disability which draws attention IS different. I'm very proud of my son because he is wonderfully different and much less boring than everyone else

DS1 was always sharp at noticing differences... it turns out he has ASD himself...

I've talked about how everyone is different but sometimes brains are wired up differently and it affects the way that people learn or do things. It can be through injury or because instructions are a bit jumbled up. I had a relative with very severe learning difficulties and we still go to the care home to vist his best friend.

DS2 was 3 when he went for the direct approach of asking an amputee why he only had one leg The chap took it very well and had a chat about how his leg was poorly and the doctor had to cut it off. DS2 followed up with "Why? Was the doctor angry?" DS2 is very lucky to have one of those innocent, disarming faces!

I've likened DS1's autism to being like a mixing desk where his senses are on different settings to most people so he notices some things more than others and some things less. The day he was diagnosed I drove home and likened it to driving the wrong car. Same potential, but it takes more effort to concentrate on what you're doing.

I would try to distract them, my daughter has autism and would hate to hear people discussing her loudly in a shop so I would change the subject then speak to them about it after.

This. My child is a human being, not a walking life lesson for NT children. Of course its important to teach your child about disability and the value of differences, but not its not acceptable to discuss my child in earshot and I'd rather nothing at all was said beyond a subject change and/or "we'll talk about it later".

Mine is just fascinated by wheelchairs, hearing aids, prosthesis etc. and tends to comment.

We’ve had discussions along the lines of:

“everyone’s different, and differences are great! However, it’s not kind to point out those differences or stars, as it might make that person feel uncomfortable or bad. So you can tell me or ask me about anything later, but not in front of them”

COVID has meant we’ve not really had any opportunity to test this, but it does seem to have sunk in in theory.

My daughter has autism and although she's high functioning she does have meltdowns and very young emotional /social age.
I personally wouldn't be offended by what you or your daughter said because of course children notice things.
I have explained it as her brain works differently (to my other daughter /friends /cousins) to them but we are all "normal" which is a term I actually hate.
I don't think you need to say anymore to your daughter.

I would say "she's just talking to her Mum." then move on.

Later, you can talk about SN, in private.

For any parents with young children with SN, I just want to say that it does change. Until DD1 was about 7 or 8, we'd get the stares and the tugging of sleeves, etc. Once she got to that age, it was so obvious that she has SN that people seem to stop 'wondering' if she was just naughty or had some sort of 'problem' and just accepted it.

In the situation you describe, it honestly wouldn't have crossed my mind to use it as an opportunity to discuss disability tbh, I would have just said "I think she's just a little overwhelmed" or something to that effect 🤷‍♀️ I don't think there was anything wrong with what you said. I wouldn't be bringing it up again unless your DD does, although of course you can have that discussion at another time without it being about that particular child.