WhatsApp and boundaries for secondary school

[PaddingtonStareBare]

Hands up, I know this isn't the correct section but posting for traffic.

DD had just started secondary, she has a phone but everything is monitored through Family Link and it's pretty tight on there. She mostly uses it for playing some games, but she's not attached to it.

I'm navigating a new path with her (aren't we all) however she was diagnosed ASD and has always had difficulty socialising and following social rules and as such has been a loner most of her time at primary. She is OK with this though and is happy in her own company, for context she's never had a play date at another child's house as she's never been invited back. So on this side both her and I have been in our own little world regarding other children her own age.

However she's made a friend in secondary school and they have enquired about swapping numbers, she asked me first and I said OK. I've had to be protective as she had been bullied badly before in primary school.

Since she's started at secondary (mainstream) there has been some emails already from the HOY and tutors saying they know a class and Yr7 whatsapp group has been set up with some disturbing content shared on there that upset some students, school followed it with the rules on WhatsApp and I didn't know it was 13 with parental permission, I assumed it was 16. I know a lot of kids have it now regardless as I have it myself. I don't use any other form of social media though.

She's had her new friend tell her get WhatsApp, I've said no as she's not old enough and happy for her to blame me or use me as the 'bad guy'. Also I see it as grounds for being added to various groups and I don't think my daughter is ready for that world yet, she's a summer born and very young to mature anyway.

However I'm torn as I don't want her missing out, I make an effort for her to have mainstream haircut, the occasional brand too, trendy rucksack (Kanken at £80 🙄) all in an effort so she doesn't get teased, (this has still happened though but new school are on it and it has settled down).

So I suppose in part will not having WhatsApp have an effect? I might suggest she can use mine to call her, or is this 'not cool'?

If you have let yours have WhatsApp, what conversations have you had around it and how do you monitor it?

WhatsApp is how they all communicate and she will inevitably be left out if she doesn’t have it.

It does cause problems though.

I check the chats every night, dd isn’t allowed to delete anything. She leaves a group if there’s any issue.

I would rather let her have it while she is still young enough for me to be this intrusive!

Not very helpful but I think it’s very much a ‘you know your own child’ scenario here. My youngest DS (14) has ASD and I’ve never had any concerns over his social media use. He’s very much into what he’s into and doesn’t bother with anything else. He’s been in a couple of group chats but self regulates it all really well. If anything, he doesn’t engage much with it at all.
My oldest, on the other hand, was terrible with it and was without a phone more than he was allowed one for most of high school.
It’s a case of monitoring it, telling them to tell you if anything upsets them, and keeping an eye out for anything inappropriate. If it proves to be more than she can handle then you delete the app plot confiscate her phone.
That’s my approach anyway. I’m not sure it’s the best one but I don’t know another way.

A lot of social activities/chat will happen via WhatsApp. She'll definitely miss out if she doesn't have it.

I'd suggest letting her use it but have regular conversations about what people are posting on there. My daughter got sick of class chats very quickly and made her own smaller groups with her actual close friends.

My DD does not have WhatsApp. I know her friends do, and there are has already been trouble with it. She is happy to abide by the rules (for now) and messages her friends individually.

We've talked about various apps and phone use with my girls from a young age.
We started because they had an old phone as an ipod to have music in their room at night and a friends older sister taught them it had a camera and took some pictures we were not happy with but that is another story😵.

When they got phones we discussed only giving their number to people they trusted not to abuse it or share it with others. We talked a lot about personal data and bullying via text. They were aware of issues with WhatsApp etc in Y5 with the kids who had phones as the school got involved.

Neither of them wanted WhatsApp to start with as they didn't want to be added to groups and have their numbers shared that way.
They are y8&9 so 12&14.
They changed their minds over lockdown because it meant they could message friends documents and pictures for homework.
They are very careful about who has their numbers still.

They know we monitor the phones(not often anymore because we know they will come to us if they have worries)

It's a tough one as it has an older age restriction but realistically that was brought in after the horse has bolted.

I don't like the whole - if they don't have it they will get bullied and left out trope.
Not having it hasn't affected them or their friendships, it isn't an issue. Nor is not having any of the other apps like tiktok.

We told them if they want an app they have to justify it to us and they do and it works fine.

Getting something to be in with the crowd seems a bit dated and try hard.

My children have Whatsapp. It's how they all stay connected. I just reinforce to them that I can check their phones at any time, and that they need to tell me if they are worried about anything.

Lots of times, they've come to me to tell me about something on the chat. Sometimes I've advised them to leave a group. Other times, I've suggested a reply they can make. Or just to ignore it.

I think it can really help children learn communication skills, as long as they have parental oversight.

Do you really want to encourage friendships with people who will bully her for not having an app?

What exactly will she be left out of?
They all get free messaging these days.

Real friends will include her regardless of whether she has an app or not.
Bullies will still find something to pick on.

My DD (now 13) is allowed to use WhatsApp on my phone, and has been since the age of 11. That means she knows I can read it at any time. we have talked about what is/is not appropriate.

It has been a great way of keeping in touch with friends and her older sister at uni, and a huge positive this year with lockdown etc. She is only in one-to-one chats or in small groups of mutual friends.

Like any social media, it is a tool that can be used or misused. Personally I think it is better to allow monitored use with clear checks and boundaries, as that helps them learn how to use it sensibly.

I work in a school, and the amount of hassle caused by WhatsApp is unreal- and parents expect us to sort out their children's falling out and bullying on an app they've allowed access to. None of them are mature enough to use it sensibly.

My children do not have WhatsApp.
Guess what- they still have friends and do stuff with them who knew?

ahola that did make me smile, my own view is that real friendships will develop outside and away from apps these as they see each other at school anyway.

Usually I would be quite firm on my stance but with COVID and the whole possibility of schools shutting I thought it would be a good idea so she can stay in touch with this girl, but just found myself questioning WhatsApp.

DD initially sat with a group of girls she sort of knew as she was invited too, but chose to sit elsewhere or slightly away as their topics they were talking about were all 'YouTube and hair - who cares about their hair this much?!'

This girl seems to have seen that DD was on her own and wanted some companionship so asked to sit with DD, I've quietly thought she would float off again if she found that she had nothing in common with DD (DD has bizarre specific interests 🙄 despite me trying to broaden her horizons) but they seem to be still talking and sitting with each other. It's been a very nice experience for DD at least and I hope it continues for her.

It's such a difficult one isn't it?

Ive heard professionals talk about cliff top use, where children go from having no access to phones etc to full range without any steps in between and it can make children particularly vulnerable.

Helping your DD to access apps safely with you is a good way to approach it. So broadly I'd say let her have WhatsApp but keep a very close eye and keep talking about risks & concerns.

I would allow WhatsApp, it is how they communicate and I do think your daughter would be left out if she didn't have it.

Far better to have it , and make her aware she can come to you with different concerns.

Make sure she knows:

1. To only give her number to people she trusts/ knows in real life.
2. How to block anybody who is upsetting / harassing her on WhatsApp.
3. How to leave a group chat if she's not enjoying the content .

It sounds like she'll be fine , and WhatsApp is a pretty good app to have for keeping in touch with friends /organising things. I don't count it as SM like Twitter/Facebook/ insta really.

My DS has found high school quite an overwhelming and lonely experience, especially this year. I’m encouraging friendships when they emerge, because like your DD, it doesn’t happen quite so naturally.
The girl DD is friendly with sounds kind.

Also, for a child who might have difficulties understanding how WhatsApp works, could you not organise a family group chat as well for her to familiarise herself with it.

Also, for a child who might have difficulties understanding how WhatsApp works, could you not organise a family group chat as well for her to familiarise herself with it.

That's a good idea. DD started with WhatsApp with her older sister and her best friend (friend for years, parents are DD's godparents etc, so I know their relationship is positive and solid). Has gradually expanded bit by bit, especially as we have a major move at the end of last year, so she now stays in touch with long-term, long-distance friends with WhatsApp.

I think the key is to allow WhatsApp when there is a solid in-person friendship.

I also have made clear that I only have real-life friends on social media. Which is why I have about 35 friends on Facebook. They are all genuine friends who I would share news and photos with off-line as well as on-line.

Mine doesn't have WhatsApp, even at 14. DH isn't happy about the privacy/data issues regardless of age. During lockdown we said she could have it if she wanted, as her friendship group were using it to communicate, but she actually chose to stick without having it, and arranged with friends within the group to let her know when zoom meetups were planned. She uses text and email. However I will admit that this might not work with all friendship groups.

I think at 11, and with a one-to-one friendship, it might be a good idea to encourage them to stick to texting for the moment. (If she has ASD, she might also be quite "rule-bound", so might be less keen to "break the rules" by having WhatsApp under age anyway.)