No children - other people’s attitude

[DonnaQuixotedelaManchester]

I have realised that a huge part of the stress I have is caused by constantly having to prove I am working as hard as other women who have children. This has always been an issue with one dominant family member but in my last teaching job I was overruled decision wise by women slightly older than me but with less experience in teaching on the basis that I wasn’t a mother. I really didn’t expect this in a profession and it also coincides with the realisation that I won’t have children (age) . I’m not in a relationship either and constantly feel surrounded by couples and as those I am the person who can pick up all the loose ends around other people’s priorities. It doesn’t help that I am in a very traditionally religious country and some of my family echo that. I have lots of different projects and hobbies on the go and make an effort o put myself out there but on my latest project it has just hit me that I was always be competing with the young graduates as I’m not seen in my own right and I think it has battered my confidence so much that I no longer see myself in my own right.

Its a pity that you don’t have friends in a similar situation. My daughter is not in a relationship and has no children but she has several friends in the same position and they support each other. She is very happy with her life and is a devoted and much loved aunt.

YANBU to say that there is a societal stance that those with children work harder, contribute more and are generally more valuable than those without. It’s nonsense of course but I agree it exists.

However you can’t control other people, their attitudes and opinions, you can only control your reaction to it.
Your self worth and value is not determined by other people, you have to love and accept yourself at your core. Be so secure in yourself that when You do come across these daft notions from people you can laugh at it and go on your way. Happy within yourself.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t also like to put someone in their place and call them out for their ridiculous opinions and in terms of your workplace- bordering on discriminatory actions. But sometimes more peace comes with deciding to walk away and not take up the fight. I suppose it depends on the situation.

But overall there are more people in the world who will value you for you and not for your reproductive history, don’t let outdated opinions affect how you see yourself and your worth.

I think working on your self worth, confidence, acceptance and self love will do wonders for you. Perhaps look up some podcasts around the subject?

I wondering if your issue is not so much about having to prove you work harder than mothers, but actually just feeling ‘not enough’ in general, as you mention competing against graduates too.

You have to remember that many mothers also don’t feel like their seen in their own right - they can be seen as an extension of their family. It’s something I work really hard to prove - at work I am ONLY Grapevine, not ‘mother of child’.

Can you explain why this person being a mother was the only advantage?

I do think you need to distance yourself from those who make you feel inadequate and be more assertive about what makes you worthy.

Thank you all of you for such thoughtful responses. I think something has hit me today and when I posted I really felt down. I think it is definitely a sept esteem/love issue as I think in my mind the image of a family unit is still so strong in my mind so perhaps I haven’t really accepted it is not going to happen.

I think at times, everyone is now pushing their idea of what they can bring and normally I would look at people who made that comment as the kind of people slack confidence in their skills not a reflection of me so, yes something has knocked me off balance. I feel sometimes that I am competing with people who have someone who can help them out (although it’s not always like that) and someone in their corner.

I do feel that you only compete with yourself not others but in lots of teaching jobs lately I seem to meet a lot of people creating drama that dominate the sept so everyone has to absorb their insecurities instead of just doing the job. It’s exhausting.

Perhaps also the problem is that family life is important to me yet I meet younger people who are in one mindset and then most people my age have families and that life. I agree that certainly in the past I had a sense that many women ilex hanging out with single friends as it gave them a chance to be them not mum but lately everything seems centred around other people’s babies and I feel like a walk-on part in my own life