I just found out my partner kissed someone else while I was 16 weeks pregnant

[Rainbowandrosessss]

It’s 4am, I haven’t slept in 30 hours because the night before I stayed up all night working.

Tonight I had a bad stomach (inflammatory bowel disease) and had been on the toilet for about an hour. My phone died. As he was half asleep, I asked whether I could use his to pass the time. We’re not people who check each other’s phones, but it was weird - he made excuses not to let me even though he was sleeping, and then sat up straight away and started closing tabs/clearing history. Obviously curiosity got the better of me.

I wasn’t aware he had Facebook, but he had the messenger app. I found messages to a girl he had introduced me to at a work party, who was overly nice to me. He was talking about that night and just looking pathetic. I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time.

I thought it was weird, and decided to check his apps - and found that he had also been on two dating apps.

I confronted him straight away and he tried to deny it. In the end he told me they had been together at a work so, and when they said goodbye they kissed. But the thing that got me, was that he headed back to his mum’s house and immediately started messaging her (his mum was closer to get to).

It’s now over a year later and I’ve only just found out - and found out that he had kissed her also before meeting me. I feel oddly calm but it might just be because I haven’t slept at all.

I feel like I have been duped into this relationship. My baby is now seven months old, but had I found out beforehand I would have ended things there. My ex was a serial cheater and I couldn’t put myself through that again.

I’ve realised that he lies constantly, and he even tried to gaslight me into believing he had already told me this information (he absolutely had not).

He’s a great dad, surprisingly, and has been supportive as I’ve struggled with my mental health. But I do feel now like I don’t know him at all, and like I’ve been duped into having a relationship without truth that could have meant a completely different timeline.

So, this may sound stupid, but what would you do?

Do you believe that it was just a kiss and that he did stay at his mum’s? I would ask him to leave for a few days when you think about what you want to do. Ultimately, I would kick him out, but I appreciate that’s easier said than done and that you have a baby. I could forgive a kiss, but not the lies and especially not the gaslighting. Take care and think about what’s best for you.

He won't stop lying or being deceitful as he clearly has no respect for you. A relationship without basic mutual respect isn't worth having, and is so detrimental to your mental health.

I'm not sure I'd believe that that's all that's happened to be honest, especially with the fact he had the dating apps too. I agree with the previous poster that giving yourself a few days space alone would be valuable. It will give you a chance to really evaluate how you feel and also send him a clear message that this is serious and that he's put your whole relationship in jeopardy.

How long have you been together?

Dating apps, deleting things when you asked for the phone. I'm sorry but I agree with others that there is likely to be more to this than a kiss - although that would be bad enough for me.

Kissing someone when you're pregnant or any other time .... not great at all but, as an isolated incident, not insurmountable. The behaviour you describe though - immediate messaging afterwards, dating apps, lying, gaslighting .... you don't have to leave, but it's unlikely you'll ever really trust him again.

What did he say about the dating apps?

Another one suspicious that he ‘went back to his mum’s’. He’s giving you just enough so you think it’s the whole truth but it’s more in the realm of being forgiven.

The fact that you were four months pregnant with his baby and he was deeply preoccupied with another woman would be enough for me to at least temporarily end the relationship while I planned my next move.

But I wouldn’t believe him. He’s on a cover up mission and is trying to get away with it. The presence of dating apps os fairly damning.

two dating apps?
In a pandemic???

That's dedication to cheating.
The gaslighting, minimising and compounded deception would be too much for me.
I 100% could not live like this.

So sorry this has happened and he has betrayed you. Personally i would be looking at:
Getting some sleep (hard I know)
get him to step up around the house more
Finding childcare
getting back to work asap

Oh, @Rainbowandrosessss 💐

Having been on the wrong side of cheating and lies I’d ask him to leave. It won’t get better.

And it’s sad for your dc but better now than when they’re older.