AIBU To ask if being honest is always the best policy?

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 2020-11-03T13:29:30+00:00

I often wonder where I would be now if I lied more. I'm usually always honest (Obvs the little lies don't count...Santa is real, I didn't have the last chocolate biscuit, I don't know where your recorder is sweetie [grin] ) I lost my job because I was honest and my colleague lied, They believed the colleague(gross misconduct)She didn't need to lie, leading from this, when I have had interviews and I'm asked why I am out of work, I am honest and tell hem the reason, with details. Although they always say they appreciate the honesty, it never seem's to go my way. A few family members don't talk to me because I was honest when asked a question. DS believes all the lie's his dad says, which makes me look the bad one ie, dad couldnt pick DS up at regular time on Friday, not normally a problem, however I had a job interview so needed to leave my house at a certain time, which meant DS couldn't be picked up or dropped off at all over the weekend(apparently) dad told DS I wouldn't allow him to have him this weekend because I purposefully made sure I wasn't going to be there at the time he suggested. Is it really worth being honest?

DisgruntledPelican · 03/11/2020 13:31

Honesty at any cost is probably not worth it. Do you feel able to read a situation and ascertain whether a lie would make the situation easier and have little to no negative consequences?

user65423546256 · 03/11/2020 13:33

Honesty, privacy, and tact are different things. You seem to be conflating them.

Sparklesocks · 03/11/2020 13:36

I think it depends on the lie? Not all lies are created equally.

Lying day to day is a different story of course. But I think tact is important (I.e if your friend asks your opinion on a sensitive subject) and self preservation (such as the ‘reason for leaving job’ question you mentioned. Sometimes it’s better not to go into details even though you want to start with a clean slate).

But it’s alarming that you lost your job because your colleague lied?? What happened exactly if you don’t mind elaborating?

Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 13:58

@Sparklesocks

I think it depends on the lie? Not all lies are created equally.

Lying day to day is a different story of course. But I think tact is important (I.e if your friend asks your opinion on a sensitive subject) and self preservation (such as the ‘reason for leaving job’ question you mentioned. Sometimes it’s better not to go into details even though you want to start with a clean slate).

But it’s alarming that you lost your job because your colleague lied?? What happened exactly if you don’t mind elaborating?

It was over something that could have so easily (in my opinion,) be resolved with out the need of lying.

The office was getting ready for lockdown, cleaning and clearing cupboards etc. My colleague, lets call her Sandra, gave me a bag of tea bags, coffee and dishwasher tablets saying that our boss had said we could have them as they will be know use while we are closed. cool, I thought. I left them on my desk and carried on cleaning and sorting etc. Boss saw them and asked what they were, I explained what Sandra had said, Boss said, nope, never said that and then went to speak to Sandra. She denied all knowledge of ever having a conversation with me and that I must have just helped myself. I said I would put them back as there had obviously been a mix up, but he wasn't having any of it, so, after an investigation, I got sacked for theft, even though - 1 I didn't even take them home. and 2- I only had the bloody stuff on my desk as Sandra said I could!

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Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 14:04

Of course I am tactful If a friend asks me an opinion of, lets say, how was the cake she made, If I thought it was the worst cake ever, iI wouldn't say that, Of course I would say it was nice. If she asked me if I think her BF is cheating, and I knew for a fact he was, then I would honestly tell her.

Or if my family member gambled the rent money away, but told their partner they lent it to me the week before and now I cant afford to pay it back, Damn right I am going to tell them what really happened to the money. Either way, I was going to be the bad one.

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Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 14:06

If I am asked a question and the answer has no effect on me or the person asking, then I will tell them what they want to hear.

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Hesnotlocal · 03/11/2020 14:14

It sounds like this is quite recent. You might be able to take the employer to a tribunal- dismissal for gross misconduct in these circumstances sounds extreme and I'd expect the employer to need a bit more evidence against you than the word of one other employee. If this is stopping you from getting a new job it may be worth looking in to (try citizens advice) to at least get the reason for leaving officially changed.

I think you're in a difficult position telling the truth about this to potential new employers since they don't know you and may take the view that your explanation is in fact the lie, told in case they ask the old employer why you left.

AllGongNoDinner · 03/11/2020 14:15

I would have gone and shoved those dishwasher tabs up her nasty lying arse!!!

Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 14:24

This weekend with my ds dad is the most recent.
I've been out of work since June, too late for a tribunal, I did consider it, but it was literally driving me crazy. Imagine being called a lier and a thief when you're neither. I wanted to put it behind me and try to move on. I appealed the decision, but didn't win.

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Sparklesocks · 03/11/2020 15:19

Oh that’s awful that she stitched you up like that, I’m sorry. Some people are just horrendous.

Changethetoner · 03/11/2020 15:29

I think you should consider how to answer the "why did you leave your last job" question in a different way. It may well be the truth, but it does put a question mark in the interviewers' minds. If they have a choice of candidates, they will ditch you in favour of someone else who doesn't have a "problem issue" in their CV.

Better to re-phrase it, without outright telling a lie.

ShirleyPhallus · 03/11/2020 15:32

Massive difference between lying and just omitting to say something

You say you tell interviewers why you left “with details”. If I interviewed someone and they gave me that I’d think they were an over sharer / no smoke without fire / unable to read the room and be diplomatic. Would ring alarm bells to me.

Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 15:32

@Changethetoner

I think you should consider how to answer the "why did you leave your last job" question in a different way. It may well be the truth, but it does put a question mark in the interviewers' minds. If they have a choice of candidates, they will ditch you in favour of someone else who doesn't have a "problem issue" in their CV.

Better to re-phrase it, without outright telling a lie.

It'll only come out when they ask for the reference, I would rather be honest up front then being found out later on, they will have less of a reason to believe me if they know I've lied about my reason for leaving my last job.

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Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 15:33

@ShirleyPhallus

Massive difference between lying and just omitting to say something

You say you tell interviewers why you left “with details”. If I interviewed someone and they gave me that I’d think they were an over sharer / no smoke without fire / unable to read the room and be diplomatic. Would ring alarm bells to me.

So what should I say? I start with telling them I was wrongly dismissed for Gross Misconduct, then they normally ask for more detail, so I tell them.

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Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 15:34

Anyway...We are moving on from the original post lol....Is it always worth being honest?

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Changethetoner · 03/11/2020 15:38

Yes it is worth being honest, Because we have morals. What do you want people to say - go ahead and tell big fibs it is fine, we all do it?

Surely most people, apart from psychopaths would think honesty is always the best policy.

ShirleyPhallus · 03/11/2020 15:38

It just depends on how you phrase it. If you said “there was a miscommunication at work, I thought I was had been gifted a box of teabags but my manager was of the impression I’d taken them. Sadly this meant I was let go, I am really disappointed as I enjoyed that role but have learnt XYZ from it and really ready to get stuck in to the next role”. If you’re telling them the full story about Sandra then it just sounds gossipy.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/11/2020 15:41

Keeping your mouth shut is usually the best option in my experience. Sadly my experience has been gained by opening my big mouth and being honest when it would have been wiser to say nothing of be non-committal.

And btw in an interview you should always frame things positively - I wouldn't hire someone who bad-mouthed a previous colleague and workplace in an interview, regardless of the rights and wrongs

Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 15:44

@ShirleyPhallus

It just depends on how you phrase it. If you said “there was a miscommunication at work, I thought I was had been gifted a box of teabags but my manager was of the impression I’d taken them. Sadly this meant I was let go, I am really disappointed as I enjoyed that role but have learnt XYZ from it and really ready to get stuck in to the next role”. If you’re telling them the full story about Sandra then it just sounds gossipy.

I see what you mean, That does sound better. Thank you, I will definitely use that next time.

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Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 15:49

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Keeping your mouth shut is usually the best option in my experience. Sadly my experience has been gained by opening my big mouth and being honest when it would have been wiser to say nothing of be non-committal.

And btw in an interview you should always frame things positively - I wouldn't hire someone who bad-mouthed a previous colleague and workplace in an interview, regardless of the rights and wrongs

I think you are right, I am going to try and not give an opinion and try to be non committal if it really doesn't need to be any more.

It can be hard sometimes though, especially when you are being lied about and you want to clear your name, but by doing that, it gets others in trouble. (I mean in the example of my family member)

I have been given good advice as to what to say in future regarding my reason for leaving work, Fingers crossed, it'll do the trick.

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Pickypolly · 03/11/2020 15:50

Was the T bag incident the first and only time that you have encountered this kind of incident?
Also can I ask if you have ever been in a situation where there has been conflict due to your truth telling?

Original poster

Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 03/11/2020 16:02

@Pickypolly

Was the T bag incident the first and only time that you have encountered this kind of incident? Also can I ask if you have ever been in a situation where there has been conflict due to your truth telling?

Yep, The first time I had directly been involved in this sort of thing.

Most of the time there is conflict between my family member and me, They never tell the truth, so when I do by putting them right, its causes conflict. I have now decided to step away from them and stop caring what they say and do, and if my parents decide to believe them, then so be it.

I am an honest person, I suppose what I am trying to say/ask is that, liers seem to progress in life more, Sandra still has a job even though she lied.

Family members all talk to other family member and not me - even though they lied.

You see on FB the people who are claiming single person/parent /not working benefits, but its quite clear that they are lying about their situation.

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NetflixWatcher · 03/11/2020 16:07

Sandra's a dick! Bad karma going her way for that. Just be you OP.

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Chocolatehasruinedmylife · 07/11/2020 19:22

@NetflixWatcher

Sandra's a dick! Bad karma going her way for that. Just be you OP.

But being me doesn't get me any where. I have decided to keep myself to myself and let people believe what they want

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