Expecting partner to acknowledge my efforts

[Ruby45]

I’m in a same sex relationship. I work full time from home and my wife looks after our 1yr old son. I put him to bed, do the early morning resettle (which often means me sleeping on the sofa) and get up with him at 6am. I also do the two day naps. My wife takes over after the first nap at about 10am when I start work.

She’s a brilliant mum and I try to give her as much rest as possible so that she can manage the days, but I feel like she takes it for granted.

My wife doesn’t think I’m a very good parent, it’s a bit true, I’m not as patient as she is, I love our son to bits but I’m up with him 2/3 hours overnight and then awake at 6, I’m tired, I struggle.

Recently my wife has been saying things like “now you know what my days are like” when I mention how tiring a morning I’ve had with our little one, as though I have no experience of spending time with him. At weekends I do 80% of the parenting because she needs space after a week with him. I should mention that she mostly does house jobs or cooking when she’s not with us, she’s not down the bingo. But I guess I just feel a bit taken for granted. I’m doing as much as I can to help and I hoped she’d see that. Am I being childish/unreasonable to want her to acknowledge my efforts?

Is a difficult situating and I rememberwell the "I'm more tired than you competitons" which really don't have a winner. I think you both need to find some time to sit down and discuss this properly because it sounds like resentment is building up on both sides and that can easily create bitterness that is hard to resolve. Can you afford to have a couple of couples therapy sessions? Just a neutral mediator to help guide the conversation might be useful

I think it’s rather unfair of her to say you’re ‘not a very good parent’ just because you’re tired and lose your patience sometimes as a result. We all lose our patience at times, I’m sure your wife does occasionally do. Parenting is tough, she shouldn’t be so hard on you and definitely should acknowledge the fact you do your share of parenting.

You don’t sound like a feckless parent to me by any stretch.

Don’t get caught up in competitive tiredness. Discuss how best to manage life to keep you both sane. One is a pretty difficult age.

Why do you do all the nights? That seems unfair. And having that amount of disruption overnight is unusual at that age assuming the child isn’t ill. Maybe work together to actively support one another and try to improve the sleep.

Do you acknowledge her efforts? And, I mean this gently, does there need to be explicit acknowledgement between you or is it enough that appreciation is implied? It sounds like you're both in a bit of a cycle of competitive tiredness and it's magnifying small issues into larger issues. You're tired because you're up in the night, she's tired because she's non-stop during the day. Unfortunately that's life with a small child and I know DH and I have had the whispered (so the toddler doesn't hear) "fuck you".... "no, fuck you" argument when we've both been overtired with broken sleep and energetic children.

Could you have a talk with her about how you're feeling and get her side of it so it's aired at least and resentment isn't building?

You need to sit down and discuss properly cos this competitive “I’m more tired than you” isn’t gonna end well

And try and get baby’s sleep sorted. 2-3 hours up each night doesn’t sound fun. Have you thought of any sleep training?

FWIW, and I know it's not much help when you're in the thick of it, it does get better. Even my worst sleeper - who did not sleep through the night until he was three years old - eventually slept all night and day time troubles became much less fraught once we were all getting a decent sleep.

I think everyone wants to feel appreciated and it's not wrong to feel like you do. It's especially hard when you're not getting much sleep. It makes everyone grumpy and it's easy for resentment to build on both sides.

I've found having a toddler harder than having a baby, as they're so full on when they are awake. You're trying to help them become a decent person, their needs are more complex than just feed, burp, sleep.

Rather than get into a who does more/who is more tired/ who is least appreciated competition. Try and reframe it in your mind. You're doing all you can, it sounds like your wife is too. We're going into lockdown and it's going to be tough on everyone.

Instead, I'd say to your wife that you really appreciate what she does. Talk about how you both make a good team. Explain a bit about how you're feeling and what you'd like her to do/say. Then see what she says. I bet she appreciates you more than you think but is also feeling a bit tired and grumpy and underappreciated.

Try and see if you can plan in some time for both of you to have a bit of relaxation/time alone, not to do chores. Arrange it so its fair to both you.

This parenting thing is hard. You've got to be kind to yourselves.

Do you ackowledge everything she does? You parent your child whilst she's doing the housework at weekends & want thanks for it? That is not space, downtime, or enjoying herself. She's doing necessary jobs quicker without a little one glued to her.

Try sharing out the chores at the weekend so swap between chores & parenting. Have one lie in each at the weekend. If your child is regularly up at night then take it in turns to have a full night's sleep.

You are both tired. You both sound like you feel taken for granted. But you should be a team, not one expecting never ending gratitude from the other for parenting your own child. You both need some (equal) time that's yours to do with as you wish. Walk, bike, run, uninterrupted soak in the bath, whatever suits, with no child or nagging from the other partner.

When you have kids it's very easy to lose your identity as yourself and as a couple. You both need to put in a bit of effort into your relationship again. When you both feel you are appreciated it makes a huge difference to everything else.

I’m not sure why you are working full time, doing all bedtimes and all getting up? That seems incredibly unbalanced to me. No wonder you are shattered.

'she needs space' at the weekends! , jeez, space is a luxury during the early years of child rearing, I'd suggest she rethinks this whole parenting malarkey

I'd suggest she rethinks this whole parenting malarkey

Should she suck the child back in or pack him off to a care home?

It is not unreasonable to want some space, motherhood doesn't have to equal martyrdom, but both partners should be getting some space/free time.

I dont think it's fair that you're the one working yet you're also doing the night wakes and the early morning and the bedtime and the naps. So how long is she actually looking after the kid while being the non working parent? And then you do most of the weekend aswell?
I think theres an unbalanced work distribution. She should be looking after baby the whole time you're working and half the time you're not working. So one does the night wakings, the other the early morning, alternate days. At weekends you take it in turns to have a nap and each get some down time.
You need to talk to her about the division of labour and that you cant go on doing so much parenting aswell as being the only one working.

I'd suggest she rethinks this whole parenting malarkey

Bit late for that @Macncheeseballs !

So you do:

Bedtime
The nights (with a lot of waking)
The morning
Most of the weekends.
And work full time during the week at home.

And your wife:
Gets full night sleep plus lie ins every day
Time to herself (admittedly she might use it for chores, but she could do this when looking after child/during naps) in the evening and weekends.
Basically looks after her child Mon-Fri 10-6.

And she dares to think that you're not a good parent.

The balance is completely off for your relationship. Why isn't she doing half the nights/mornings? Why doesn't she ever do bedtime? When is your free time?

I work full time from home and my wife looks after our 1yr old son. I put him to bed, do the early morning resettle (which often means me sleeping on the sofa) and get up with him at 6am.

This isn't fair. You shouldn't be doing all of this during the week.

Maybe 2 nights...but as the SAHM, she should do more to create a better balance.

At weekends I do 80% of the parenting because she needs space after a week with him.

I should mention that she mostly does house jobs or cooking when she’s not with us

I think you need to split this. So you do a higher percentage of the house jobs and she does a higher percentage of the parenting at weekends.

Good advice. It’s expensive but I’m an advocate of therapy. I don’t want this feeling to get out of hand.

@CatsAndEyeliner and @Macncheeseballs TBF I often rethink the parenting malarkey. Generally at about 3am

@Thespottytortoise it’s one of those things that’s just developed. The first 6 months was tough on her as breastfeeding mum, I vowed to step up when I could. Then he got into a phase of not settling for her and I took over and that never changed, we haven’t really tried to break it.

@SandyY2K thank you, I think balance is the key here. I don’t need her to say “you’re a great parent because you get up in the night” but it would mean the world to me if she suggested me having a lie in one or two mornings.