Will try and keep this as short as possible. I'm a 28 year old female, single mum to 7 year old daughter, am in my 3rd year at uni, have a lovely home and car, good friends, amazing family, comfortable financially, health could be better - have recently been diagnosed with diabetes. Overall though I have a lovely life and should be happy with my lot.
However, I'm fairly certain I have went through life so far with an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, I tick every single box and have struggle with my mental health for as long as I can remember and believe it was brought on by childhood trauma and abuse. In saying that, I have noticed a huge improvement in my behaviours and mood within the last few years - I think partly due to some intense internal work on myself and also cutting out alcohol completely (I used to drink to deal with uncomfortable emotions).
I have always been terrible at relationships and have never had a healthy one, however, surprisingly I have very strong friendships that I've been able to healthily maintain for years without incidence. Recently though I have noticed a tension growing between me and who I would consider my closest friend, to be brutally honest and it is horrible to admit, I cannot stand her doing well and being happy. I feel like everything she does and says is a personal attack on me. I understand how disgusting this is, but I notice recently whenever I am driving to meet her my full body tenses up, I feel like I am speaking through gritted teeth. I can't explain how awful it feels. Our conversation is awkward and like I can barely respond to her sentences, I feel so full of resentment it is overwhelming. Every time I leave her I feel so guilty and vow to do better next time but I genuinely can't. I feel sad as I know this marks the end of our friendship, I am literally pushing her away but I don't know how to control it.
I have never felt this way before, I've always been a good friend, I have only ever felt competitive with people at uni, other than that I've always maintained healthy friendships.
Aibu to think these feelings aren't normal, that they are an indication of who I am and that I should let my friend go?