Contact with dad and concerns of manipulative behaviour

[anon2334]

He keeps telling my 3 year old son he will be going to live with him soon? My son now doesn’t want to go to nursery but he is fine when is there, he tells me ‘daddy said I am leaving you soon? Just to say my ex is extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative but he pulls it off well and is being as good as gold so the kids think he is amazing now. He was told in court he had to behave but I get the impression the is going to do in a very underhanded way that in the end my son will go to him. My eldest tells me she hears him saying this my son all the time. I think kids should be with their dad and enjoy their time with him but should not be messing with a 3 year old like this. It’s calling distress when he comes back from his weekend as well. Any advise ? I want to ask him nicely by email to not talk about these things.

God how difficult...the time with his Dad is court ordered yes? I'd have to go back to court I think. If you stop him seeing his Dad, he'll take you to court but maybe if you go back, tell them about the manipulation, they might see it very dimly.

As for emailing the Dad...I would not do that. He won't admit to his behaviour and by the sound of it is not someone you want to get into discussion with...he'll try to use it against you in some way.

Talk to your son...I know he's only 3 but you have to tell him the truth in a way he can understand. I'd tell him "Daddy loves you very much but he can't have you to live with him because the rules don't say that he can....the rules are that you live with Mummy...you can always see Daddy but when he days you're going to live with him, he is lying." Tell DS what lying is....make sure he understands it....

Don't just tell him all of that in one go...it will be too much. Drip it into him...first explain what lies are.

Yes court ordered and he put me through hell, he said he would destroy me and I would never have the kids and he threatened me. He made me scared, he even kicked me out, anyway eventually I fled.

It’s court ordered as well yes. He is very difficult to reason with and completely not what he appears to be when you meet him, he had me fooled for 3-4 years 😌 He has turned me into anxious ball so I’m wary of anything with him. I can never forget how he made me so depressed and my stomach would churn , this words alone cut right through you. He enjoys breaking people apparently but would laugh and say how lovely everyone thinks he is 🙄

Every time he comes back my son isn’t himself, my mum says I must try and stop it now.

Op, I had similar and phased it as ‘dad would like you to live with him as he loves you but you live with me and that’s not changing’ ‘Silly dad’
Lots of reassurance to ds and dd.
It’s possible dad will not stick around as kids are hard work. Also really important to keep a record of dates/times/issues. Eg 2nd Nov ds returned from day contact and said dad said I am going to live with him, ds very upset and clingy afterwards. Reassured ds that he will keep living with me.
You may need this in future.

Agree, don’t engage in telling ex what to do/say he won’t listen. Is there any other family who Ex may listen to?

Concentrate on you and the kids, seek legal advice if you want but it will have to be stronger evidence than that to stop contact, sadly.
How long has contact been going on?
Do you have support?

Yes I have mum, family members and good friends. My mum thinks I should politely email and tell him to refrain from saying stuff to the kids or in front of the kids. I don’t want to stop contact, just for him to please stop saying what he is saying as my little one doesn’t understand and he thinks he will always be given toys and sweets. When I was with him, he couldn’t even handle him he would shout at anything, when I stepped in to stop it he would threaten to throw me out and now he is playing daddy of the year!! Unbelievable.

I am logging everything as well, as he also told my daughter I used to hit her 🙄 when I never. He isn’t supposed to say anything at all to the children but he does. Contact has build up to all weekends and one evenings. Week since august but before it was a few hours one day a weeks so about a year.

OP really don't email. Not a good idea.