AIBU to be worried I've made a mistake?

[majesticallyawkward]

Oh fucking hell I think I've made a mistake and I'm freaking out but can't tell dh because he's a stresser.

Quit my job for a new job. I hated the old job, despise my managers and all but a handful of colleagues, I'd been treated appallingly and pretty much bullied out. But had flexible working, as long as I did my hours and was available when needed it was never questioned if I logged off for an hour during the day.

Anyway, was offered a position elsewhere and it sounded great! Slight change of direction but same industry/area and they were happy for me to be remote and have flexibility as I have young dc (in return me being flexible of course).

I've now started and they want my day tracked, every activity logged, I brought up working hours with my direct manager so that I was completely transparent and he got really edgy about it, asked if I had that in writing. I said yes in emails, and then explained that I mean I'll use my break (of an hour a day) it will just be used to do drop offs or pick ups as me and dh are working around each other to manage them but with no wrap around for dc1 in primary school and nursery for dc2 having reduced hours we have few options but I always make sure I have done my hours and everything is complete it just might be that some days I'm taking a break 3-4 and working later. He agreed but made a bit of a performance about how 'senior management' like to see how productive everyone is... I'm semi client facing so of course will be present for that element of the role and on days when I'm doing that dh will collect the dc but he is also working so we share it out.

Now, I know remote/home working is new to them and I've been doing it for a few years so we're coming at it from different places and appreciate that. But at the same time I can't do anything about the pandemic or the restrictions and my dc need to be cared for.

Have a massively ballsed up leaving somewhere I hated but with a more fluid approach to working hours? Can I make more strict hours work with young dc? Do I just need to crack on until I've 'proved' myself a bit more?

You need to reassure him that you will be just as productive it's just that you work your day over more hours...

Don’t make a big deal of it going forward- just get on and prove your worth.

I tend to find sending emails and being " present " online reassures some higher up the tree. I often ping an email from my phone while walking to school as I'm on a similar position with wrap around but a more supportive boss. Maybe when they can see you are still available they might be re- assured ?

Likely it's a bit of 'getting to know you' mixed with likely not having kids himself.

What you're doing is what 90% of working parents are having to do at the moment so don't stress about it.

You have the emails and as long as you’re as productive as you would be in normal working hours and can meet the client facing side of it then hopefully it won’t be an issue.

Where I am there are real differences between managers opinions/ideas on WFH and even though the company policy is to let everyone be flexible as long as they are meeting their targets, some managers are micromanaging and being a lot less flexible than others. Some managers are also control freaks. Could this be the case here? Some managers have also had their fingers burned by people taking the piss on WFH and are extra cautious. You might have one of those and just need to prove yourself, which it sounds like you’ll have no issues doing 🙂.

He has a dc but separated and had EOW and only collects from school every now and again... so he sort of gets it but isn't dealing with it all the time, and I'm the only one with full time child caring responsibilities- one other on the team has a baby but a SAHP partner and the baby is tiny so not the chaos of a 5 and 1 year old I have when they're at home.

I'll carry on and just not make a big deal of it then, the school drop off/pick up is a 10-15 minute job as it's really close, and nursery is open until 5:30 so dh can comfortably pick up when he finishes at 4 so it's just the days where he's working late I'd need to go and get the baby but obviously having 2 small dc around when they get in means it's not always possible to completely focus on work!

When I went back to work after maternity leave, my company sent me on a return to work training. It was all about juggling children and work. Best thing I leant was to never apologise for having a family.

Not saying things like 'sorry, I have to pick the kids up' but rather 'that time doesn't work for me, I'm picking the kids up, but I can do x time' really helped

@Twizbe

When I went back to work after maternity leave, my company sent me on a return to work training. It was all about juggling children and work. Best thing I leant was to never apologise for having a family.

Not saying things like 'sorry, I have to pick the kids up' but rather 'that time doesn't work for me, I'm picking the kids up, but I can do x time' really helped

That's amazing, my kids are young adults now but I wish I'd been told this.

What a refreshing approach, I've always felt like I need to parent as if I have no job and work as if I have no kids.

For me his reaction is quite normal. You're new to the company and it sounds like he wasn't involved with your recruitment so is unaware of the flexible working agreed.

You have no 'standing' or reputation at the company as you're new, so immediately talking about flexibility put him on the back foot. I think you just need to keep your head down and crack on. Keep your diary up to date so if you are showing as offline at a school pick up, they know where you are. Once he sees you won't miss client meetings and all your work gets done, he'll likely relax.

You do need to build up the trust and show him you're not taking the piss

That being said - I work from home at the moment and have a 4 year old DD - she has a before and after school childminder and I'm pregnant with twins and they'll be in childcare next year - what would you be doing if you had to go into an office to work? Most company contracts state you can't use working from
Home in place of childcare - ok for the one off or pandemic situation (although schools and nurseries staying open this time) but it shouldn't be a regular occurrence

@ivfbeenbusy

You do need to build up the trust and show him you're not taking the piss

That being said - I work from home at the moment and have a 4 year old DD - she has a before and after school childminder and I'm pregnant with twins and they'll be in childcare next year - what would you be doing if you had to go into an office to work? Most company contracts state you can't use working from
Home in place of childcare - ok for the one off or pandemic situation (although schools and nurseries staying open this time) but it shouldn't be a regular occurrence

We have no wrap around options for dd5, no breakfast club or after school clubs which we would use normally.

Nursery closes early and had reduced capacity so we have to pick up an hour earlier than we would under normal circumstances, they also don't have space for a full day on one of the days until dec/jan so we're having to share out that afternoon between us to look after ds. Nothing I can do about that really, no family and few other options so for a few weeks we'll have to make it work.

If schools close again there will be no choice but to have 2 small children at home to be cared for.

Get a childminder to pick up from school. There is a pandemic but childminders are open. So I would be a bit annoyed if you couldn't find something like that. And I say that as someone who has a 4 &5 yr old and a full time job and a husband working away.

Agree with PP Childminder's are operating even if before/after school clubs are not. We got one because by the time I'd done the school run at 330pm and then DD would want dinner around 430-500pm then half the afternoon was spent not working.

Nursery situation can't be avoided but sounds like it should be short term but long term situation for either child isn't sustainable and at some point employers will want employees to be working their "usual" hours or at least working during core hours and making up time before/after

@estatenonestate

Get a childminder to pick up from school. There is a pandemic but childminders are open. So I would be a bit annoyed if you couldn't find something like that. And I say that as someone who has a 4 &5 yr old and a full time job and a husband working away.

It's a possible solution, but the additional costs on top of the almost £1000 a month nursery fees would be unsustainable. For the most part I have tea ready for 4:30/5 and can cook/prep before work/on breaks/while muted on calls I don't need to speak on and as dh finishes at 4 he can dish out do tea then I take over and do play time, homework, baths etc.

Childminders also aren't that readily available, this obviously differs by area but is something we looked into recently when decided on childcare for the baby and there weren't any with spaces we needed for pick ups.

It sounds like then you could never afford adequate childcare anyway so pandemic or no pandemic you were always going to have to work your employment around your children? In which case YABU to expect flexibility/understanding from an employer permanently- at the moment it can be "hidden" because everyone is experiencing some childcare issues but once things go back to "normal" it may be more difficult to justify

Not really @ivfbeenbusy because without the pandemic I'd have access to a £1 a day breakfast club and free after school clubs. Perfectly adequate given part of my discussions around accepting the job were about agreeing they were happy for me to have some flexibility. So I could pick my dc1 up and either bring her home or drop off at clubs (which are also now cancelled).

There's a pretty big difference between £5 a week breakfast clubs vs morning and afternoon wrap around with a childminder 🤷🏼‍♀️