To have reacted like this?

[Subeccoo]

I'm in a very strange place at the moment. I am waiting for a call from the Dr because I suspect my mh has taken a really big turn for the worse (will get on to background in a mo).
Something weird happened today though. As I was leaving for work this morning I said to dh "are my keys there" and he confirmed that they were. He then went to pass them to me but instead of giving them to me he held them up above me out of reach (there's a foot diff between us) and went to keep them there until I kissed him goodbye (which I already had). I sort of snapped at him not to do that, he gave me the keys and I left.
My mood is shocking at the moment so this wasn't particularly surprising on my part, but it gave me this awful feeling, I can't describe, I burst into tears in the car.
So, the only way I can explain that feeling was from an ex, who used to make my life difficult in similar ways but for nasty reasons. Like locking me out or shouting at me because my hairdryer was too loud.
Dh has never ever done anything remotely abusive and we've been together 8 years so I don't know why I felt this way today. I love him to pieces.
My current mood as I said is awful, I'm crying all the time. It's coming up to a year since my mum died, corona etc, I just feel helpless and am finding no joy in life at all. I am a teacher so like everyone, work is bloody hard, I don't feel like I can keep going though. I never normally feel like this and have no history of poor mental health. I do acknowledge that because of mum and me taking on the responsibilities of dad and now the worry of not seeing him again plus a few family issues with siblings etc my life has changed beyond recognition. It's like I was always safe with mum around, she left and the world changed forever anyway, then brought corona and it feels like nothing will ever be ok again.

So was my reaction unreasonable? Was my husband being unreasonable in what he did?
He's not great with words so I'm not surprised not to have heard anything from him today, it probably looked like a massive overreaction from me.

My head is just so fucked up at the moment!!

I would say your reaction was based on something that wasn't to do with your DH so was a bit unreasonable to react that way towards him when it sounds like he was being playful/affectionate? But you've said you're struggling at the moment so maybe just talk to him about it?

Well, other than failing to 'read the room' and know that you were not in the mood for some good-natured joking about, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

I am sorry you are in such a difficult place. Are you talking to him about it?

I do talk to him, but he's a bit rubbish with mental health stuff, just nods and listens, which is great but I think he feels a bit helpless. I told him at the weekend I'm gonna call the Dr today and he just said OK if that's what I think will help. I mean what else should he have said I guess.
He was only playing, I know that, but I wouldn't have responded like that a few months ago, that's what frightens me.

Sorry I know he did nothing wrong, I don't think I've worded this well at all

Doesn't sound like either if you was being unreasonable as such 🤷🏻‍♀️
He probably just thought he was larking about a bit, but has unintentionally triggered you

Does he know about the past abuse from your ex?

@Subeccoo

I do talk to him, but he's a bit rubbish with mental health stuff, just nods and listens, which is great but I think he feels a bit helpless. I told him at the weekend I'm gonna call the Dr today and he just said OK if that's what I think will help. I mean what else should he have said I guess. He was only playing, I know that, but I wouldn't have responded like that a few months ago, that's what frightens me.

Well the important thing is you've recognised that and are looking for some help with it, lot's of people are struggling in this climate we're living in right now so don't feel like you're alone or be embarrassed for needing some help

OP i think there's something really positive to take away from this, which is that you're obviously really in tune and aware of how you feel. Which is great because if you are aware that you're feeling low and can see the impact in your day to day, then you're already closer to being able to get the help and assistance you need to feel great again.

Sounds like your DP was trying, clumsily, to cheer you up by showing affection in a mischievous way but it triggered you. No ones in the wrong here.

I hope you feel better soon and well done for asking for help.

You said how you feel very helpless at the moment.

Your DH holding the keys up like that made you feel very helpless so I'm not surprised at such a strong visceral reaction to what he intended to be "silly fun"

Hope you feel better soon

There is something about teasing that is very triggering for some people.

Teasing is one of those things that abusive people do to wind you up early in a relationship, they will then saying they were only joking/messing and you are "sensitive".

They then can cross over to nastiness with their teasing and their victim is still " very sensitive".......

I hate teasing.
I hate people who think it's ok to wind others up and deliberately upset them.
I think people who think it's ok to continue to repeatedly tease, when they have been clearly asked not to are pricks.

In my limited experience this is something I have witnessed from men.

I think you were triggered by your husbands behaviour.

You are grieving for your mum.
You are in a stressful job.
You are feeling understandably very low at the moment.

I really think your husband's teasing of you, whilst it was maybe innocent, pulled on your last nerve and you snapped.

The crying was pure frustration on your part.

You need to see your GP and your really need to mind yourself OP.

You are really juggling a lot.

I totally get what you’re saying because I have behaved similarly in recent months to a bewildered DP. My ex was a dick too so you’re almost ready to defend yourself when anyone does something uncomfortably familiar.
MaizeBlouse summed it up pretty well I think.

I have concluded that it’s a combination of depression and anxiety and although my GP is pretty inaccessible right now, I’ve been able to talk it out and am feeling less fragile.

I’ve explained to DP that my sense of humour failure is temporary, I am not choosing to be mentally unstable and that if I’m visibly feeling emotionally wobbly, teasing me will result in very different tears to the ones I shed when he hugs me and says nothing. He’s learning.

Hope you can get some support and help your DP to recognise your needs while you get through this

Your DH was being playful and romantic and probably trying to cheer you up, knowing that you are feeling depressed. I think your reaction was OTT in his eyes and he probably felt rejected. He definitely was not unreasonable in what he did.
Why didn't you stick around and explain how you are feeling?

You are mixing up feelings for your abusive ex with your DH. You are probably over-sensitive and need to address your depression.

When I’m am having an MH lapse I react irrational and have mood swings but I’m also more vulnerable and sensitive to things that cut me a lot in the past. For instance, as a child my mum used to make me feel stupid for not knowing a word, gloating that she did and I didn’t. As an adult she rarely does this but sometimes she says something not meaning to sound know it all but trying to give advice. If I’m ok, I get it, no problem. If I’m not, I snap and feel like shit.

Be kind to yourself. I’d explain what happened and why you reacted like that. It’s not a permanent state, but you just need help to get back up again.

I didn't hang around because I was already rushing for work and that incident made me another 10 seconds later.

Someone above mentioned early abuse in relationships, my ex locked me out on a balcony of a hotel for a joke when we first went away together, he then left the room and walked round the block. He then came back to me upset and accused me of being a baby. He then blamed me for ruining the weekend.

That's nothing to do with this really, just someone above said about it and it struck a nerve.

Just had a lovely chat with my boss, then the Dr. He's prescribed me some sertraline and we've discussed counselling.

I am living on my nerves so I hope it softens things a bit for me.

Thanks so much for your help and advice

Aw, don't dwell on the moment; it was small overreaction on your part, and although to you it's indicative of worsening wellbeing overall your DH probably hasn't been thinking about it at all. When you get home tonight apologise for being a heinous and give him a hug. He'll feel better knowing you are getting some help.
I hope the sertraline kicks in soon and you feel less edgy OP.

I'm glad you have managed to get some help from the GP and hope you start to feel better soon.
I've overreacted to small stuff in the past when feeling really low, and have hurt people by not recognising that if I explained and apologised then someone who loves me would of course understand. Sometimes I didn't though, and I made the situation worse by justifying my own behaviour with being low and depressed, like I was entitled to behave in a way that hurt people because I was suffering. Personally I don't think it works like that, and now, if I overreacted in a similar way to you, I'd explain to DP that I knew I'd overreacted, and that I was genuinely sorry for any hurt I'd caused to him, but the reasons that I overreacted had been addressed today, that I was aware of them and working towards solving them, and would need his help and support in doing so at the moment.
Get well soon 💐

I could have written this at times! Like you recognise, it's when I feel more short-tempered than usual and my wanting to get on with things and my DH's playfulness aren't lining up. All the things you say could be contributing, you have a lot on your plate . Also, as humans, sometimes we just annoy each other! An apology and not dwelling on it seem a good idea. I too went down the sertraline route, although I think mine is a drop in hormones that triggers it. I'm having success now with really clean eating, regular exercise, and trying to make time for a few of the things I enjoy doing. Don't be too hard on yourself

I don't think you are the only person living on your nerves just now. The good news is that you can apologise when you see him, and as for the rest, well it's out of your hands but you can deal with it a little better after having put it down on paper here.
Have my first bunch of flowers (flowers) that's if I did it right :)

Wrong brackets innit

A year after my DF died I had a breakdown. Grieving a parent goes on for a long time.

So sorry for everybody and your struggles, especially those who have lost parents, what a strange new world to be part of.
First night on sertraline, fuck I feel awful. Sleep was not a problem before, I slept awfully and feel wired.
This will pass yes? This is worse.

I had very vivid dreams in sertraline and very thirsty. That latter passed. I know others who had reactions like you described that passed after a week or two. I think there’s a range of common reactions to it.

I feel quite odd even now I'm up and awake but off to work I go.
Had a lil chat with my husband this morning, we were gonna go out for dinner tonight but I can't face it as its the next town and not until half 7 which would be late getting home. He cancelled it immediately and said we can get a takeaway so I'm looking forward to that. Just need to take the gas off so to speak, a 4 week lockdown might actually help?

For me, I have loved the lockdowns as I can get agoraphobic when low but also anxious about people in the house, meeting people I don’t know well etc and most of my human contact since the last lockdown have been play dates in the park with parents I don’t know well or work men doing odd jobs in the house and there’s now no pressure for that. Also, similar to you today, no feeling like I should be going out to eat etc. That’s just how I get and feel. Not sure if that relatable to you though x

It's not like you called him a wanker and threatened to kill him. He did something a bit twattish and you told him to pack it in. The worrying bit is the crying but you have a lot on your shoulders so it's not unusual, glad the doctors have prescribed you something to help

Subeccoo there is often a sertraline support thead on the Mental Health board. It can take a little while till initial side effects wear off.