Would you keep in touch?

[Dumbo18]

Long story short - friend of around ten years makes next to no effort when it comes to keeping in touch, making plans etc. I have a DD who is 2 and a half and she has a DS who has just turned 3. Kids get on great so do we when we meet up. Problem is she never ever makes the effort to keep in touch or arrange plans. When we speak it is always because I have reached out. My husband says I should just stop trying, he’s probably right. Should I just stop the contact or are some people just this way when it comes to making plans, calling texting etc. BTW she is like this with all friends from what I can see - not just me

It could be a confidence issue on her part. As long as she isn't taking the piss in any other way, being flakey etc, I'd keep the friendship as it is. You know it isn't you, because she's like this with everyone.

Maybe she’s really struggling. I would talk to her about it.

She might just have low self-esteem/fear of rejection if she’s like this with everyone. If you enjoy seeing her and she seems to enjoy it too I’d carry on meeting up with her.

I am the crap friend! I don't mean to be and I really really mean to keep in touch with people, but I get distracted by other things that need my more immediate attention (work/ kids etc) and don't get round to it!
My good friends fortunately seem to understand, as they usually end up getting in touch with me, and I am so grateful! Some of us just aren't very organised!

I have a friend like this. If your kids get along and you enjoy her company, then I would just accept that you’ll be the one to initiate. At least you know you’ll always be doing what you want & meeting where you want if you’re the one making the plans. It is a bit shit though.

I'm like your friend...I never contact anyone first. I'm scared they won't want me to and will think I'm bothering them. I'm always happy when they reach out to me.

Have a chat with her before you pack in altogether but friendships should be a two way street

Is it a problem for you to initiate contact, as long as she’s happy to hear from you?

I'd keep in touch. I think you just have to accept that, often, in relationships there is always one party to it who does the initiating and/or organising. This usually falls to me with my group of friends. I used to mind but I think they just think I'm the organised one.

If anything, just mention how you feel to your friend.

Interesting to hear what others would do - very helpful thank you. I don’t think it’s a self esteem thing but I will definitely speak to her and make sure everything is ok. It’s no problem me making the first contact but it is a bit shit I think. I always like to make an effort with friends, I think the odd text to check on each other/kids is nice and really goes a long way.

@LouiseTrees

Maybe she’s really struggling. I would talk to her about it.

This. Don’t assume she could have something going on her life.

I'd keep in touch. I have two friends like this. One is very very chilled out and very very private. I know she wouldn't ever reach out when something was going wrong in her life or even just to say hi. Another is one I met through nct, she even said at the time she wasn't bothered about meeting friends through other baby groups as she is so busy with her own family and friends already she doesnt have time for anything else (she is from the area that we live in now and has school/ uni / work friends all around here whereas I moved here for work and only know a handful of people).

Both of these cases I take it for what it is, I arrange meet ups purely because I enjoy their company when we do meet up (and the second one our kids are friends). I know if it wasnt for me our friendships might drift but we have gone a long time without meeting up and it's still been absolutely fine and I have enjoyed it when I've seen them. It doesn't bother me that I'm not massively important to them. It might be different if they messed me around eg cancelled at the last minute or something but they don't so I just take it for what it is

I'm guilty of this.

I never instigate meeting up because I'm not very confident and I don't want friends to feel they have to see me. I know they are busy.

Luckily they know what I'm like and I make sure to to say yes to every suggestion they make and i make the effort to go to them/do what they fancy doing.

Can you just accept what your friend is like, and suggest times/days that suit you, suggest things you fancy?

:)

I’m like your friend. I’m not the organiser and am usually up for plans when someone else suggests. I’m just quite happy as I am and don’t always feel the need to be sociable. Do keep contacting her. I’m sure she really appreciates it!

@OoohTheStatsDontLie I think you have an excellent point about taking a friendship for what it is and as long as someone is not messing you around or cancelling on you.

I think it’s easy to feel a bit sorry for yourself (I’m guilty of this) and think nobody bothers. It’s not a case of that in most friendships I think there’s always one friend who makes more effort and that’s just the way it is.

I'm with your DH. Going through phases of being busy/stressed/whatever is totally fine and something that happens to everyone at one time or another. Never ever getting in touch first, not fine and I'd be cutting my losses.

Some people are just poor at making contact. Some are rubbish at responding to texts or phone calls, some not confident about making them. Who knows?

Given your DC get on, perhaps worth making the effort for them if not for you or your friend.

@formerbabe

I'm like your friend...I never contact anyone first. I'm scared they won't want me to and will think I'm bothering them. I'm always happy when they reach out to me.

I’m like that too. I know it’s not great but it’s hard to change.

For me, it depends how she is when you do make contact and how she is woth everyone else.

If it was a friend who behaved the same with everyone and responded to any attempt I made when making contact, was keen to catch up and we enjoyed each others' company, I would make the effort.

I had a friend who was like that with me but constantly out with other mutual friends and when we did finally arrange a date (which would have to be put in the diary several weeks in advance), she would cancel or reschedule at last minute despite her being the one with no commitments

I don’t think it’s a confidence thing, I just think she’s that type of person. Interesting to see there are quite a few people who are in the same boat. I think if it wasn’t such a long friendship I’d have stopped making the effort a while back but it gets to me that we go way back. I understand we are all soooo busy with work kids etc but a text every few weeks would go a long way.

Can you just tell her that then?

Oh god, I'm the same as her, and I know it's awful. But I forget to get in touch, then when I remember I worry its been too long and maybe I shouldn't because maybe people didn't want to hear from me anyway, and what if they think I'm after something? I'm an awful friend, but it doesn't mean I don't like people.

Does her friendship when you see her, outweigh your annoyance of having to always initiate contact? That's what I'd ask myself.

@Dumbo18

I don’t think it’s a confidence thing, I just think she’s that type of person. Interesting to see there are quite a few people who are in the same boat. I think if it wasn’t such a long friendship I’d have stopped making the effort a while back but it gets to me that we go way back. I understand we are all soooo busy with work kids etc but a text every few weeks would go a long way.

Honestly, it would never even occur to me to send occasional texts to a friend. I assume my friends will get in touch if and when they feel like it, and that they're happy for me to do the same. Not generally being the one to initiate contact doesn't mean these friendships aren't important to me, just possibly that I have less need of contact than they do.