To ask how you deal with obvious but low-stakes lies?

[Wroxie]

I'm talking about lies that are completely blatant but which don't really impact your life - do you call them out or do you smile and nod along? Does it change how you feel about the people involved?

Two examples -

1. went to see MIL a few weeks ago for the first time this year (it was "allowed" don't worry) and all of her many houseplants were completely dead. Not limp, not a little brown around the edges, but absolutely brown and crispy and 100% dead. She noticed me looking at them and said 'oh dear I forgot to water them for a week and look what happened'. I thought she was joking and said 'more like a year it looks like' and she doubled down and actually seemed offended - 'No, I would never leave them that long, it's been a week, now that the central heating's on they just keeled over before I could do anything". (I am in all honesty a bit worried about her now and my partner is speaking to her more often to see if she is depressed or needs any support, she seems fine so far, though).

1. On the work chat, someone mentioned going to a specific restaurant that I know for a fact has been closed 100% since March. I said "oh I thought they'd basically shut down" and she went on about it a bit and said "Oh yes it was only for a couple of weeks and we were so lucky to get a table" - made a right meal of it (sorry for the pun).

In both cases I just dropped the subject but I can't help but feel a bit pissed off when this happens - like, do they think I'm dumb? What else are they lying to me about? How do others deal with this sort of thing?

The first example, like you I'd be more worried about her than focusing in on a possible lie

The second example is a bit odd but I would probably have just dropped it too (although It probably would have annoyed me but maybe they were confusing it with a different restaurant? )

In both your examples I wouldn't waste head space on thinking anything about them tbh

First example I would just assume your MIL felt a bit embarrassed and judged (you do sound a bit judgemental so can't say I blame her)

Second example I would just assume crossed wires about the timeline or which restaurant we were talking about

People lie & their bar for what it's ok to lie about & why , differs. I usually suss lies quite quickly as i have my Dad's cynical nature & nose for BS. I'd only call someone out if it was vicious or caused some awful event I think. Otherwise I just mentally say to myself 'thats so obviously a lie that it's laughable' & go on with my day. Your MIL unless she's forgetting other routine house stuff is prob just minimising

The first one might be less about a white a more about mental health or possible memory issues. I’d be showing concern not annoyance.

I think it’s a bit hilarious that you’ve diagnosed your MIL with depression on the basis of a couple of dead houseplants.

Tbh if you had made the ‘more like a year’ comment to me I’d have been defensive at your sneakiness and probably pushed back too, so I think you’ve got yourself to blame for that one.

The restaurant one is so low stakes I just truly wouldn’t care.

*snarkiness not sneakiness

White lie

Why does it matter? Both examples are totally irrelevant to your day to day life.

Sometimes people get caught on the spot and lie because it's easier. Sometimes they're embarrassed and lie to cover things up. Sometimes they forget. Sometimes they don't want to tell the truth so make up a story off the top of their heads.

I can't imagine getting worked up about it either way.

I emotionally distance myself from them. The relationship becomes very superficial. If it's my adult children, or a similar close relative and it's an important lie that could affect me, I pull them. You responded the best way possible to your MIL, you directed your DH to see if she needed support. That was a lie out of embarrassment and should be let go. A deceptive lie is a different matter, but only if it's your business to start with.

@SpeccyLime I didn't diagnose her, my partner is checking in her more often just to make sure she's OK and not feeling down or too isolated. There were literally over 30 dead plants in her house, not a couple. I ended up chucking them out and cleaning out the pots (with her permission and appreciation). I won't go into this any more as it's just an example and I don't want this to turn into a discussion of MIL's mental health but I just wanted to clarify.

I hate liars, but really only for big things, like for eg one time a therapist said she rang me 10 times, knocked on my door 3 times and I ignored her so she reported me to the head for negligence of my dd. See that type of liar pisses me off.

For small white lies I couldn't be arsed giving it head space, especially if it's not hurting anyone.

I do have one particular sil who claims to have the best bullshitter radar, which means me having to Google things to prove things to her. One time my sister spent a lot of money taking me away, we went to a very fancy hotel and I heard back from many that sil said I was lying that no hotel in the world costs that much.

With your mil, does it really matter if she hasn't watered the plants in a week or a year? It's common to forget, not bother. The meal one could be someone just trying to make their life sound more interesting.

I thought you meant 'real' lies - i think in both cases, they've not really meant to lie as such. Totally agree with @SpeccyLime about why your MIL reacted like she did based on what you've said.

Friend and restaurant, maybe she got the name confused with another one - and maybe she realised but by then just carried on because she didn't want the faff of explaining. I've 'lied' before about weekend plans by getting confused and then just running with it because i didn't want the faff of correcting! I didn't mean to deceive who i was talking to though! It is more embarrassing for me than them and in both these cases i don't think the people involved were being malicious towards you.

They're quite different examples I think OP and it was you yourself that conflated the plants issue with a general concern for her health. I think i'd have been more tactful with her tbh. Obviously she hasn't watered them and is embarrassed about how it looks in her home. I'd just have let her have it and said 'yes, these things are a pain to look after aren't they, mine are always dying (they really are) do you want a hand clearing them out while I'm here' or similar and then have a separate conversation another day asking if she would like extra help at home or is worrying about anything.

Re: your friend, I'd just have said ' it isn't open is it? How did you manage to get in' directly and challenge the lie or otherwise simply ignore it. It would only end up embarrassing her and clearly there is some issue where she feels a need to look like someone who is busy, is important enough to be going to exclusive things, can afford them etc. I'd feel sorry for her.

These are weird times, maybe she felt embarrassed about not actually having done anything in recent times and worrying it reflected badly. Trying to seem popular and busy and social and successful is a fairly toxic thing, just look at Instagram etc.

Pointless lies are so silly. The people who tell them are teaching you not to trust a word they say, and that's all you can do; believe what they're showing you.

As for googling to prove to someone suspicious that you are actually telling the truth, I wouldn't bother! That person is probably a liar themselves, as we tend to judge others by ourselves.

@newlygranny

You are absolutely correct with your first point.

I had a friend for over 10 years who was like this. She would lie about anything. Little things, big things, you name it. Before I called time on the friendship, I would estimate that over 90% of what came out of her mouth was either ab exaggeration, or an out and out lie.

Sometimes on the big things she would tell people what they wanted to hear. On the more minor stuff she wanted to see herself in the best possible light.

Complete and utter Walter mitty.

I still don't really know how best to deal with it tho!! I think mostly I ignored it and rolled my eyes.