Can’t conceive

[Whattodo345]

My husband had always been pretty clear that he didn’t want children and I was okay with that. It was always his decision but I was never particularly opinionated one way or the other so I was fine with this. Some of our close friends knew this but not many at all as we kept it pretty private. He would have been much more vocal about it but with resistance kept it private for me as I didn’t want people trying to way in with their input.

I have recently been diagnosed with an illness and I wouldn’t be able to have children anyway. It somehow feels different and although I’m not overly upset I have tried talking to him about it on a number of occasions and he dismisses me as he says we had already made the decision. A big part of it now is that more of our friends and family are finding out, but it is easier now I can just say it is medical.

AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t understand why it is still a big thing even though we already didn’t want any?

It is a big deal Op and you should be able to talk to him about it. You made a decision yes but now its actually been taken away from you and that can be so devastating. Is there anyone else you can confinde in?

You didn't want to have DC.
It turns out you are unable to have DC anyway.
You are not 'overly upset' about this.
In all honesty, I cannot understand why this is a big thing myself. I would like to try to understand though - why do you think it is a big thing?

I did not want DC at all, then had to have an emergency bilateral salpingectomy (both tubes out). My only real thoughts on the matter were that if someone in this world has to have their tubes out then I was glad it was me and not someone who wanted children.

WRT A big part of it now is that more of our friends and family are finding out you mention 'finding out' like it's some big secret, like it's something to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Not wanting or not being able to have DC is neither embarrassing or shameful.

I do understand what you’re saying - it’s the choice, rather than the possibility, that’s been taken away. Maybe because it wasn’t a choice he ever considered making, he just doesn’t get why you’re upset?

Don’t worry so much about what friends and family think. Your plans for conception or otherwise are really none of their business.

I have quite major anxiety surrounding what people think about me and while I have been taking steps towards dealing with this, pregnancy is quite a stressor as it is something that people have strong opinions about. I know I shouldn’t care what people think but sadly I do 😒 so it does feel like a big secret

He feels quite passionately about when people presume we will have children once married and would actually quite like to make a point to people when they make assumptions such as ‘planning on kids yet’ that not everyone wants kids but this is my worst nightmare and tbf to him, he gets that and he doesn’t for me so I know I can’t be upset with him really

Those presumptions and comments are known as 'bingos'. Your DH might have a good laugh at this:

bingobaker.com/view/496736

Here's a collection of possible responses to many of the bingos that people come out with. Admittedly, some are a bit near the knuckle but they're worth a read when you have a few spare minutes.

childfreevoices.wordpress.com/bingo/#Accusations%20and%20Insults

Do keep on with tackling your anxieties, it is very liberating when you genuinely couldn't give a monkeys what other people think of you!