Mum's Birthday

[QueenMaryIII]

My sister hasn't spoken to mum for 10 years, & has decided at the start of covid to give things another go.

It's mum's 60th on Tuesday, she wanted ideas for a gift, mum said she'd like a necklace I asked if I could contribute half & get her something special, sister said yes no problem. Then texts 10 minutes later saying you get your own gift. Which I have.

We discussed it & agreed weeks ago, that we would celebrate at mum's house & get a takeaway as my treat. I've gone out bought balloons & the rest all set for Tuesday.

Then today she's invited us all to hers on mum's birthday so the original plan we made together has been sidelined. They also keep going shopping and out here and there and it would be nice to be invited, I don't have any issues them spending time, yet it would be nice to be included occasionally. When they made up, I was excited about us all spending family time together, however I seem to get sidelined. It feels a bit crap as I'm mums carer & so do all the crappy graft but not included for the nice bits.

Aibu to not go to the roast and do a separate treat on Wednesday as originally planned.

Just to add all was fine between me & sister until a few weeks ago. She was knocking off a neighbours husband & the girl next but one was getting blamed & harrased, the police had to install cameras at her house, as his Mrs & friends thought it was her having the affair.

The Mrs then decided when he was missing one night to barge into next door but one to see if he was there, then went to my sister's & ripped her letterbox off. Sister scarpered to mums at 5am & then asked me to sleep at hers in case the Mrs came back. Which I did.

I told her I felt sorry for the Mrs and neighbour who has took the brunt for months & my sister has sat there knowing she was the guilty party & did nothing.

I asked sister if he was in the house that night not to accuse, but because her bedroom was exceptionally clean. She took offence to this & said I feel sorry for everyone else & not her, despite staying over in case she needed help. She's been funny with me ever since.

well your sister sounds a delight!

That aside, in answer to your question, yes YABU not to go to the roast. You say you feel sidelined anyway, this will just make it worse. Yes, it's incredibly annoying, but it's your mum's day. What would she most like to do?

If you feel sidelined, have you said anything to either/both of them about how you feel? Why not arrange other things for the 3 of you to do together. If that doesn't work out, just focus on your relationship with them separately.

My sister is even more delightful than yours and I endured many many years of being the one left out, and never saying anything, until the resentment resulted in complete NC with my sister. (No great loss for either of us, tbh.) and very low contact with my mum (am still devastated).

Stand up for yourself now and don't make the same mistake i did.

Great points & Thank you.

I did arrange with my sister weeks in advance for us all to spend birthday at mum's, she agreed to get the cake & I'd get the takeaway & a few drinks. That was the plan until this afternoon, didn't bother telling me about the change.

I previously arranged for us all to go to nando's my treat. It took me ages to save up, Mum pulled out last minute, I picked nephew up from sister's s & she was supposed to meet us at 5pm after work. 5.15pm I ring & say me & the kids are waiting she was too tired & didn't even bother to let me, my son and her own son know.

for you it can't be easy.