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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice please...sorry it is long.

10 replies

Pinkbee642 · 01/11/2020 15:02

I am very confused on what to do, and I was hoping to, maybe get a clear picture if this is a normal situation and maybe I am exaggerating? I can speak about it with anyone I know because I don't want to be in a position where they will hate my husband, as I have not decided what to do.
It is just getting to a situation where we fight really ugly fights every weekend. I always tell him to stop so the kids wont be present, but nothing. Anything can trigger it. It ends up with him calling me a variety of names, using the word F*, alot. I can say I am innocent and I dont answer back, but I don't swear. I did say words like idiot. I have two small children, I am alone in the country and limited friends. I do have a good job, and we have our own place. He and I have threatened each other endless number of times to get a divorce. Time and time again. I am afraid to do that, as he has family here, and I am afraid that my children will be withdrawn from me, as in they will pull to his side and I will end up having to fight for them and maybe they won't want to be with me. The idea of a step father mother ect, is just scary to me. I won't be able to take care of them when they are not with me, and they are my world. I dont want to put them through this, and I am so sacred. I don't know what to do....even if I did want to leave him I don't know where, how. I dont want to leave the house and remove the children from their home.
But I just can't take it anymore. Even as I type here, I am sitting in a car park, where we all came to attend a birthday party, I bought the present and the card. Out-of nowhere he just started being mean and hurtful to me, so I said I am not going in, and I left him with the kids at the party. He was swearing at me at the car park ..I am so embarrassed. Last week he was swearing at me ar the entrance of the house. Calling all sorts. Psycho, bitch,ect.
He makes me feel so bad and he always blames me. For every thing really, even for things that are out of my control he blames me.
Yesterday he was so angry I didn't come up to be with him in bed he was again being mean to me. Like I have to sleep with him just because there was an opportunity to do so.
I am trying and trying but it is getting to that stage where, I am asking myself is this all worth it. I take care of the kids and the house, he doesn't do much at all. Complains all the time, he is on his phone most of the time too, so he is not very active.
He is nice to me when he wants sex. That is all really, other times we are on different plants, we don't spend much time together, like to watch a film. unless it is for sex really, and even that is only after I can feel I cam trust him again. He says he loved me, gives me complaints, ect.
shortly after, there it is again.. the bad atmosphere, I am suffering. What to do? He won't leave the house. That is not going to happen ..he is not a bad person, I just don't think he is right for me so much. Maybe after all these years the relationship has got to the end.. ?

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 01/11/2020 15:17

Leave. As hard as it sounds this won’t ever get better and you don’t want your DC growing up in this environment. Nobody feels like leaving will be easy or even possible when they decide to do it, but we manage, and so will you.

NetflixWatcher · 01/11/2020 15:22

Leave. Leave. Leave. Your children will have a worse childhood listening to the arguing than you being calm and happy apart.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/11/2020 15:24

Hi OPare you saying you want to move back to your original country with the children? Or just leave him? Have you got a job? I do think you need to leave, he sounds aggressive and abusive and that's not good for kids to be around. I think you need legal advice and to start preparing to leave him.

CSIblonde · 01/11/2020 15:24

This sounds utterly miserable OP. He's emotionally abusive. Your children will be seeing this as their model of what a relationship is & in adulthood repeat the pattern with abusive partners. Day to day it will be grim for them too. Womensaid.org.uk or refuge.org.uk will help you with everything, practical & emotional support, accommodation, legal stuff etc etc. When you leave don't tell him, as statistically that's when you are most at risk of physical harm. And never go back alone, to pick up posessions or even just to 'talk'. Get all your ID, meds,passports,sentimental value items stored away now , ready. Also get details of his finances for future use as hiding income & savings is common too. You deserve better, so do your children. The support is there, you can do it.

RandomMess · 01/11/2020 15:34

It sounds truly utterly awful Sad

How would you feel if either of your DC were in a marriage if their spouse treated them like he does you?

DryRoastPeanut · 01/11/2020 15:44

Your relationship is over. As soon as you break up you will both feel better. At the moment you’re both torturing each other by staying together in misery.
The longer you stay together the more you’ll hate each other.

2bazookas · 01/11/2020 15:45

Your kids are already suffering by witnessing you and DH; and that will get worse as they get older . For their sake, you should separate

BlueSuffragette · 01/11/2020 16:24

Leave for your own well-being and for your children. This relationship is over and now just toxic.

Warpdrive · 01/11/2020 17:43

This sounds abusive. Often you can't see that it's abuse because you're too one to it. Its a terrible example for the kids to witness - you do need to leave. Flowers

Foxl2222 · 01/11/2020 20:20

Hi @Pinkbee642
You say he is not a bad person, yet in the same paragraph say he calls you names and blames you for things that are not your fault which are making you feel terrible about yourself and frightened. It may be hard to hear but this to me is a "bad" person and indeed a bad marriage.
Neither person in a relationship should feel the way you do, this is not love. This is misery and torture!!
Don't jump ahead and think step dad/mum stuff, that's so far down the line if at all- and this is the 21st century!!! Modern families are more common than traditional families these days!
I think you need to speak with your friends and family and not worry about protecting him or what they think of him, essentially if he is treating you as you say, your family have every right to form a negative opinion! Do yourself and especially your children a favour and get the F out of there at the earliest opportunity.🙏

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