Would you be offended by this?

[Merryoldgoat]

Over the last three years I’ve made friends with two other school mums. We get on really well and there’s no strife. Let’s call them Sarah and Carol.

We buy each other birthday gifts etc but nothing extravagant - total £25 ish split between the other two.

It’s Sarah’s birthday next week. Sarah and I (and our partners) have been lucky enough to not be affected by Covid related income loss. Carol and her husband work on hospitality and are finding things tough.

Sarah has said she doesn’t want anything but I want to get her something small. I said the same on my birthday but she put a gift on my doorstep and rang the bell and ran away.

If you were Carol would you feel shitty if I bought Sarah a present and said it was from me AND Carol? I don’t want any money from Carol but she’s very proud. I know she’d want to contribute in normal times but these aren’t.

Proper first world problems but these are the only school mum friends I have and I really like them both. I don’t want to cause any drama.

Don’t do it without asking, the thought is kind but if you do it without asking her it becomes condescending and could embarrass her.

As someone who's been in hospitality, I would say to Carol you'll get something for Sarah from the two of you, don't worry about money at the moment and just to buy you a drink when you can go to the pub together again.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

Don’t do it without asking, the thought is kind but if you do it without asking her it becomes condescending and could embarrass her.

Yes, that’s what I don’t want. I love Carol and offending her would be terrible.

@hashbrownsandwich

As someone who's been in hospitality, I would say to Carol you'll get something for Sarah from the two of you, don't worry about money at the moment and just to buy you a drink when you can go to the pub together again.

This is a good plan - I will do this.

Lovely - solved in less than 10 posts!

Has she told you that they're struggling or have you just assumed because they both work in hospitality? I only ask because if she's felt comfortable discussing her money issues then she would probably be appreciative if you bought it and just said to her, "I've got Sarah a gift from us both, I don't want any money towards it" if she protests just say well if it makes you feel better you can get next years if we're all back to normal! I think the more casual you make it, the less embarrassing it will be for her

@baubled

Has she told you that they're struggling or have you just assumed because they both work in hospitality? I only ask because if she's felt comfortable discussing her money issues then she would probably be appreciative if you bought it and just said to her, "I've got Sarah a gift from us both, I don't want any money towards it" if she protests just say well if it makes you feel better you can get next years if we're all back to normal! I think the more casual you make it, the less embarrassing it will be for her

Yes, she’s told us. It’s a very tough time for them.

I think she’ll be conflicted but ultimately if I frame it as a reciprocal thing that should help. No more birthdays until May so that should give time for things to resolve I hope.

I agree with PP, I wouldn't want you to do this without asking, but the idea of "get me a drink next time" makes it feel more equal.

@Dugsbollox

I agree with PP, I wouldn't want you to do this without asking, but the idea of "get me a drink next time" makes it feel more equal.

Yep

basically what everyone else is saying