Feels almost strange to be asking this. In real life most (if not all) would probably describe me as one of the most confident people they know, and I think I am too, in the main. But in truth I have a secret which feels almost ridiculous.
I have a fairly senior role and spend most days on Teams. In meetings, when asked questions ad hoc, I answer confidently and can very much hold my own. I work very hard and prepare before meetings and very rarely feel unprepared. However, in meetings where I know in advance I have an item to present, I can go to absolute pieces. I’m sure this isn’t about being unprepared as one of the ways I’ve tried to address it is even to write and practice out loud everything that I’m going to say in advance.
I genuinely think there is some issue inside me that causes this though I can’t pinpoint it, and can’t see how it would help to even know what it was that has caused me to be like this.
When I say I go to pieces, I mean that I physically shake to the point that it is impossible for me to carry on talking. I don’t know how I’ve got this far in my career with covering it up so much. I suppose it’s partly because in some meetings I’m absolutely fine (and am probably thought of quite an outspoken and dominant character), but in others, and with no warning, I can lose it and tremble with fear. It is a horrendous feeling and has I am sure got worse since lockdown though I am happy, comfortable and confident in WFH. It’s almost as if I’d feel easier explaining this if I was shy and naturally nervous, which I’m not!
So far, I have even cut out my Teams as I’ve begun presenting and blamed technical issues as I couldn’t see what else I could possibly do with 30 people staring at me and waiting to listen whilst all I could do was tremble. My colleagues would be astounded if they knew this.
I have read every technique supposed to help with this, but still I suffer and I would love more than anything else to resolve this once and for all. I don’t want it to hold me back and most of all I just don’t want the fear which is all consuming.
Just really interested to learn if anyone has had similar experiences and if you have managed to improve?
Thank you.