How to handle this with my daughter ...

[bloodyhairy]

Hello all. My 19 year old daughter (has high functioning autism) hasn't had a great deal of life experience, and has struggled socially over the years. She is generally in a better place these days; she is working, and building positive relationships with colleagues (it was a struggle sometimes at her all-girls' school), socialising a little, earning money, and pretty much enjoying life. She is a lovely, lovely girl and you would all love her!
During lockdown, when she couldn't work, she was gaming with an online 'friend' she sort of knew from before. This friendship was a lifeline to her during that time. It was nice to hear her guffawing with laughter, and improving her language skills at the same time (he doesn't speak much English, and doesn't live here). They would also chat for hours and seemed to really click. He's a bit older than her - at 26 - but they seem well matched in terms of maturity levels.
Months passed and you can probably guess what happened. They became more romantically involved (or as much as you can when it's online!), and she is now his girlfriend. This is her first experience of a relationship with the opposite sex.
He makes her happy, even though I've been concerned with some of the comments he has made to her. These are quite controlling, such as him not liking her having interactions with the opposite sex, and questioning her about her FB friends. His previous girlfriend apparently cheated on him. It's all quite intense
She and I have chatted about this. It is so important to me that she talks to me, and that we keep the lines of communication open. It's a fine line between not wanting to appear too judgy, so that she clams up and won't tell me this stuff, and gently making her aware that these could be red flags. She assures me that she is the one in control, and that she doesn't put up with his nonsense. She challenges him on it, he takes it on board and apologises, and then things return to normal. She is wise, bless her, but can also be naive.

A while back, he sent me a FB friend request, after checking with my daughter that it would be ok. I think he wanted to do the whole 'getting to know the mother' thing. FB Messenger is their main means of communication, as well as phone calls, and the gaming. Then after chatting about it with my daughter, he sent me an introductory message, which he was apparently very nervous about. I sent back a polite and friendly reply. I speak his language pretty fluently. Daughter was delighted that we were 'getting on'.
Since then, he has messaged me on average once a week, to say hello and ask how I am. I engage politely and briefly. When I casually tell my daughter 'oh, I heard from X today', she doesn't know about it. The messages have been nothing but innocent, but I'm not sure why he's in touch really, and I don't feel totally comfortable. I'm a single mum, and this could just be me being a bit jaded about men, and seeing red flags where there are none.
My daughter's happiness means everything to me. But I'm worried for her. My daughter told her younger sister that she is going to move to this guy's country to be with him, when she can, and this scares me. I want her to keep talking to me, but I can't be too scathing about him, as then she'll go off on one and refuse to talk.
In some ways it has been really positive for her, having him in her life. She really values her relationship with him, and this seems to be entirely mutual. But several things she has said have had my spidey senses tingling, as he can be slightly creepy and controlling.
I asked her if they have any plans to meet, and we have agreed that if/when they do, it will be in our hometown first.
How would you handle this situation, and what would you do about his messages? I am doing my best, but am aware that she's an adult now. It's a fine line. I just don't want her making a big mistake, and then turning round one day and asking me why I didn't get more involved
Thanks in advance.

I actually reconsidered that one, as I trust her far too much to do it.

I also would be concerned, his controlling behaviour is a red flag for abusive behaviour. Do some research on this kind of online relationship and check out abusive relationship signs. Protect your girl!

A friend of mine had a dd (19yo at the time) who got involved with a guy online. First bf too (but no ASD).

The one thing she did was to encourage the first meeting to be at their home. So she propose to invite HIM for a week and see how things were going.
Then separate ways again which left the dd time to things about things went, things that were said etc...
When the dd went to see the guy it was again only for a short period (excuse = holidays/work/uni) and basically as a trial.
In the mean time, plenty of talk about relationship, ok for her to come back whenever she wanted, red flags etc.... but in a general way rather than about him as such

It's still going on (the mum is much more happy about the guy now) but slowly.

I think the very big issue here is that she is an adult, albeit more vulnerable.
Protecting her will not happen as such. The best the OP can do is giving her the tools to protect herself. Which is why talking about how hard it can be to move an online relationhsip to a RL relationship can be fraught. How people can be different online than in RL (because you cant see everything that is going on) etc etc

You sound like a lovely mum. She is lucky to have you. My daughter is the same age, and I would have the same thoughts like you. It’s a very fine line.

’@Regularsizedrudy

A 26 year old has no business with a 19 year old. This all sounds horrible tbh.’

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 27. That was 27 years ago. 🙂 But yes, if my daughter met 27-year old I would be concerned too.

I think it's reasonable to be concerned about everything other than the messages to you, so long as the content and frequency is as you described in your OP. In my DH's (part french speaking, Middle Eastern) culture, beginning intermittent direct contact with your partner's parents demonstrates a commitment to the family. So, just making sure all is okay each week would be pretty normal. I do that with my husband's mum, and I found it very strange that she messaged me each week at first - but it's just a few of showing she cares about me, and respects my position in my husband's life.

I think the key is maintaining a strong relationship with your daughter, not criticising him, and being there if this goes wrong.

I agree with the person who suggested diverting your daughter's attention away from this guy to lessen the intensity. I wonder if there is anyone else she is close to who is more of a peer than an authority figure (which a parent can't help being) who might gently suggest she proceeds carefully?

I heard of an interesting website the other day called bepeers.com which offers mentoring/befriending to people with high-functioning autism. I have no idea whether it is any good but it could offer your daughter a place to talk through her ideas....

I have been in the place where your daughter is, it's a difficult one on both sides. I'm very glad you reconsidered hiding your daughter's passport as I feel that this would not help the situation were she to find out.

This man may be a mistake but being shielded from making mistakes of this nature is not necessarily the best thing for your daughter's future. I navigated the path from being an autistic teenager to being an autistic adult who can function pretty well and hold down a full time job purely because I learnt the ways of the world through making mistakes. It's painful to be in that position and it's painful to watch but all you can do is keep that line of communication open. While they are physically separated the worst thing she can probably do is send him money so as long as she isn't doing that then I would try not to worry too much. If she's anything like me it'll be very difficult to try and make sure she has a good picture of what a healthy relationship looks like, you just need to be there for her when she needs you. My first relationship was disastrous and I got out of it when my counsellor said "what are you getting out of this relationship?" - that spoke to me more than any amount of begging and pleading from my family could have done. It's a simple, open and non-judgmental question and that's why it worked. Any emotion coming at me would have been difficult for me to handle and would have made me shut down so as hard as it is, try and keep things neutral.

I don't know your daughter so I don't know to what extent she is actually similar to me in real life, but if she does come to you and ask why you didn't do more, you can say that you were trying to tread a fine line. On one side of it you risk smothering her and on the other side is leaving her to her own devices entirely. I'm firmly of the opinion that both extremes are equally as bad, just in different ways. If she IS anything like me in time she will come to understand that parenting a child with autism is a difficult and often thankless job and she will be sympathetic towards any perceived 'mistakes'.