Overactive imagination. Mental health problems. Anyone else?

[plessuregirle]

AIBU to think that I might not be normal? I suffer from GAD and have OCD, also suspected PTSD after an abusive relationship. I get obsessive over counting. If I'm stressed I will count the edges and corners on things. I see objects as 3d and I know that each eyebrow, if I count certain edges as a 3d object I can make add up to 200. Both eyebrows together = 400. If I get interrupted whilst counting I get agitated. I remember counting the white lines on the road for as long as I remember. I have a very overactive and intrusive imagination. I'm also quite paranoid. If I see for example, a man standing in the street and he looks at me funny, I might imagine that he's going to shoot me in the back of the head. I then walk as fast as I can with my head down and might even run, playing out all eventualities in my head. Even though deep down I know it's my imagination playing with me. I know I sound completely mad, but I'm not. I live a totally normal life and not many people would know that in my head it's a shambles. I feel like a complete weirdo sometimes. There's a lot more that I could type but I'd be here forever. What's wrong with me? Is this really, really weird? AIBU to think that I'm not normal?

Hiya. Sounds like a manifestation of your OCD to me, although I'm not a medic, so don't take my word for it. Maybe see your GP and discuss things. I assume you are getting treatment for the GAD and OCD?

I have GAD and have had CBT and am on Propranolol and Sertraline for it, I get the odd intrusive thought but the medication has helped a lot.
My SIL has OCD and her intrusive thoughts sound much more like yours, have you asked for help or advice from you GP?
It's more common than people realise but that doesn't mean you have to just accept and deal with it, especially if its causing you distress.

My OCD has never been taken massively seriously and I don't understand OCD that much myself. It was only mentioned to me in passing very briefly that it sounds like I might have OCD. I think I definitely do. I'm on Sertraline 100mg for anxiety though. Does nothing for the intrusive thoughts but does help with anxiety (only a little). I'm also in therapy but it's more for trauma and he's not specialised in mental health problems like OCD.

I just went on the self referral page for psychological Therapies that was recommended to me and it just says there are 0 in my area. I live in an area that has really poor mental health services. I'm so frustrated.

Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like it isn't fixable.

I used to count as a child everything had to be in 2s and things had to be even so if I stepped on a crack with my left foot I had to step on one with my right foot to even it out

Its taken awhile but I still get intrusive thoughts as an adult but different ones usually revolving around inappropriate actions like telling people to piss off on the phone trapping my own fingers in the draw to see what it feels like (I've done it by accident it fucking hurts) just stupid shite that take over my brain

Anecdotally, PTSD tends to be particularly bad with people who have very visual and active imaginations.

Have you considered creative writing as a way to exercise your imagination more safely?

@weirdlyodd it won't work. I know it won't. I think it would likely make it worse.

I have OCD and while it manifests differently for everyone, intrusive thoughts, paranoid anxiety and agitation when you can't complete a compulsion are classic and normal signs. OCD is managed a little differently to other anxiety conditions so it is worth having a chat with your GP about a referral (I found that medication didn't help with OCD symptoms either). Treatment focuses on the knowledge that your thoughts ARE normal, and they cannot harm you unless you allow them to have power. My OCD is also closely related to hormones which isn't the case for everyone, but coming off hormonal contraception has made a world of difference.

I'm scared that getting a proper diagnosis will cause me to lose my son. I'm in court proceedings with my ex. I would never hurt a fly but he tried to use my against against me. It didn't work and the court were lovely about it but I feel ocd would be different. Even though I'm a good mum and adore my son.

Hi OP. No advice, I just came on to say I could have written your first post. I even had OCD symptoms reading this thread! (If for whatever reason I have to re-read a sentence, I can't just do it once, I have to do it three times. If I mess it up, that's upped to 5 times, and on and on it goes in rounds of three, usually until I get to 30.)
So you're not the only one! I know my post won't help, but just knowing you're not the only one can sometimes help a bit.

I really hate myself at the moment

It's the OCD - I was diagnosed and this is how my OCD manifests itself. I have intrusive thoughts in the form of the scenarios which a "normal" person could handle and/or it wouldn't even be an issue but in my head a small thing spirals into the most major/catastrophic scenario. It is debilitating when it happens.

Sympathies op. I count stuff too, when watching tv I count peoples features like eyebrows are 2, eyes are 2, ears are 2, nostrils 2. I also count the letters in words over and over again, could be on tv, could be a street sign, could be on a van driving past me. I count everything. I have no advice but be assured you are not alone. You will not have you're child taken from you, you are doing the right thing by seeking help ❤️

I'm so glad it's not just me that counts things. I count numbers and letters on tv and I also count lines, ie on a shirt collar. No one knows I do this because it would make no sense and I'd feel embarrassed. I am also on sertraline for anxiety. You are not alone op.

Hi OP,

There is no need to hate yourself over this- lots of people have the same sorts of intrusive thoughts and worries. It does sound like it might just be your OCD causing intrusive thoughts. I have diagnosed OCD and find the OCDuk forum helpful.

@plessuregirle

I'm scared that getting a proper diagnosis will cause me to lose my son. I'm in court proceedings with my ex. I would never hurt a fly but he tried to use my against against me. It didn't work and the court were lovely about it but I feel ocd would be different. Even though I'm a good mum and adore my son.

Can you get some sertraline or something to take the edge off while your going through proceedings? Finding court proceedings tough is not uncommon

I'm already on Sertraline which helps a bit but of course it's no cure!

Hey, don't hate yourself - I think there are a lot of us out here who count things and have intrusive thoughts. Talk with your GP or therapist to see if there are ways they can suggest to be less agitated about the thoughts. Eg it's fine to count the edges of eyebrows if it's not stressing you or stopping you doing something you need to do instead, but you want to get to a stage where you're not agitated if you can't count them for whatever reason. I find it helps to realize that while the thoughts are intrusive and I wish they would fuck off at times, they don't mean I'm going mad or that I'm going to act on them. Realising this makes the thoughts annoying rather than distressing. Also, if you've been in an abusive relationship, I'm not surprised you're hypervigilant to men looking at you strangely! Hugs

The combination of Propranolol and Sertraline for me was the absolute bomb - suddenly I was really able to engage with therapy and make the steps I needed to get better. I’m not perfect now but it really can help to find the right mix of meds (my experience is not yours, my meds aren’t your meds etc.!). So just keep going back and being a squeaky wheel until something works a bit! I found that very hard so had an advocate.

This is absolutely your OCD (as a fellow OCD sufferer). Keep pushing at the GP for further help - betablockers + SSRI combination is really helpful for me, plus CBT.

Can you afford to get private help? I don't mean to sound like an out-of-touch poster who is like "Oh just check yourself into a luxury private hospital!", I couldn't afford private CBT but just in case it's an option!

As a short term bit of help and something that feels concrete for now, you could try one of these apps recommended by the International OCD Foundation? I use one call FearTools for intrusive thoughts and anxiety which helps in the moment, and there are some others here iocdf.org/ocd-apps/