To request my family don’t buy dc absolute rubbish for christmas.

[marmite79]

We are thankful that grandparents like to buy gifts for dc. We don’t expect them too. Mil is pretty good. She will ask what they are into and often just buys them 1 or 2 things they want or need.

Then it comes to my family. They never ask me what they want. Thing is both dc have autism and have very specific interests and often family members will buy them things that they think they will like without asking and often it never gets looked at or opened once and out in the cupboard and I am fed up of all the clutter. I’ve recently sold or charity shopped some items that are new!!

Also my own mum prefers quantity of quality. She’d rather buy dc loads of cheap things rather than 1 more expensive and honestly dc would prefer one item of something they love than lots of things they don’t like!

The best way to explain what my mums buys is cheap plastic stuff that is difficult to store and often ends up in a charity shop or in landfill and I’m sick of it!!

Aibu to feel like this? I’ve tried telling them over and over again that we don’t expect anything but if you are going to buy something what they would like!

We are currently decorating. I’ve got 3 bin bags of stuff that is practically new that they’ve been bought that will either be taken to the charity shop or sold.

Aibu to just get even firmer with family before Christmas?? Do I sound ungrateful?

I don’t have any children in the family to buy for. No nieces or nephews but if I did I’d much rather buy something they would really like!

We've had the exact same problem, even down to the autism. What we did last year was ask for membership to a local attraction that our DC love to go to.
We explained that it would be used year round and would be so much better than lots of gifts especially as we didn't have room for anything else.
It worked really well, although my DM still bought a big box of sweets and chocolate each so they had something to unwrap, but at least they didn't fill up the house.
It worked so well we are doing it again this year and my siblings also want to do the same.

The other option, that we do with DH family is do an Amazon wish list and everyone orders from there (all of the children of the family make one as we live all over the country) this way they get a surprise which is gift wrapped and delivered to them and get something they want.

You need to be firmer. My DD has made it clear she doesn't want any plastic tat! Just explain you've had a clear out and you're also conscious of the impact of plastic on the environment so you'd rather the DC just had a few high quality toys or consumables such as craft stuff. Send a list.

Just a frank conversation.

“Mum we are going to cut down this year and would appreciate if we could stick to just one present. I hope that’s ok”

I hear you OP. Whilst my family buys great gifts for DD, they buy so so so many its ridiculous. If it were me I would try one more time of telling them "no tat, this is what I want you to get" and if they end up getting a bunch of crap you know the kids won't use, chuck it away immediately. If they ask where all the toys they bought are, tell them straight up they went in the bin. That's a very hard line though and maybe not for everyone lol

I understand OP. We have the same issue, but with PIL. My family will ask for a specific list or send money for us to pick something for the DC. SIL is the same.

PIL on the other hand will spend a fortune on tat from B&M. Which is either stuff the DC don't like, don't play with or isn't robust to withstand two kids. I always feel bad because it feels like such a waste. I'd sooner they saved their money.

It's also a sign of a wider issue with PIL not really paying attention or taking an interest in the DCs likes or dislikes. Despite spending equal amounts of time with them, I feel like my DP and SIL engage with the DC much more than PIL.

Same here with my mum. She used to fill her car with utter plastic crap when she came to us at Christmas...

However I did come to an agreement with her a few years ago and she has relented as she’s seen how much my DC have. So she buys one present and then puts the rest of her budget in their bank accounts. Some years we have left it in the savings and some years we have drawn a bit out if there’s something one of the DC really really wants but isn’t gifted.

Same with my MIL. We have previously suggested 1 more expensive gift, rather than a load of tat and hideous clothes, and MIL will buy specified gift AND all the tat. She doesn’t even buy the right age of clothes. It just all goes in a bag and straight to a charity shop. Not unreasonable at all to ask, but don’t expect a change in behaviour.

There’s no shame in sending new toys to the charity shop, somebody will be really happy and grateful for them!

Suggest to her now, way ahead of time the type of toy you wish her to buy?

My MIL does this too but I know it gives her pleasure to give in this way. I would never ask her to stop or suggest otherwise as it would hurt her feelings . Afterwards I just send the crap to the charity shop but I would sooner do this than burst her bubble.

Ex mil does this she decides to buy them clothing and will buy them jeans and jumpers and long sleeve tops because they never wear them so they must "need" them she has been told countless times they hate long sleeves and jeans and will never wear jumpers unless forced ive literally begged ds to wear a jumper for high school as they have the windows open all day he told me not to waste my money he will never wear it would rather freeze

But they persist in buying shit they want i tell them buy them minecraft coins give them a gift voucher they tell people im just after something I can sell or buy something for myself I gave up let them waste their money the charity shop appreciates new clothing but they are not the nicest of people 🙃

My MIL does this and the way we deal with it is the next time we visit her we take it to her house and say it can be kept there to play with when our son visits. He invariably doesn't want to play with it and we have noticed over time the quantity of pointless gifts from her has decreased.

Thanks all. Unfortunately my mother isn’t the easiest to talk to but I will try! She was the same when we were kids. She’d buy us absolute rubbish! She prefers quantity over quality and also buys everything as cheap as she can. I’m all for a bargain but often cheap = flimsy.

It all tends to get donated to the charity shop which is not a bad thing of course, some things sold on Facebook and some of it gets opened once and difficult to store and ends up in landfill 😫😫 one also donated new items to raffles etc before! I’m not exaggerating when I say I have boxes and boxes of new unopened things!

Passes to local attentions is an amazing idea @LunaLoveFood. Mil did similar last year then the place shut down all year due to covid but a fab idea when we can use them!!

Good idea @weepingwillow22!

“ I’ve recently sold or charity shopped some items that are new!!”

Plenty of people do this. It’s why the “brand new with tags” category exists on eBay.

You could ask a food bank if they would like the toys. They may be able to pass them on to kids who will get nothing or very little.

@FippertyGibbett

You could ask a food bank if they would like the toys. They may be able to pass them on to kids who will get nothing or very little.

Good idea. There are two or three charities in my local town which send Christmas presents to undepriveledge local children and they would love your opened gifts. I'm sure there will be more parents needing the help this year than usual too

As for the OP I can understand your frustration. Do your kids write a Christmas list and you could send that to your Mum rather than it coming from you? She might listen to their requests? And if you're going to speak to her about it probably best to do it sooner rather than later as shes probably already started shopping!

Something they want
Something they need
Something to wear
Something to read

Is what we have started to send my Mil as she is one that buys piles of stuff that they never end up playing with as it's just too much stuff. Has helped limit it a bit. Not seeing them this year should limit it even more 🤞