... to phase out this friendship?

[bloodyhairy]

Hello. I have name changed for this, which I am not at all prone to doing, but some of the situations and examples I'll mention are a little specific and possibly outing!
I've had a friend for 6 or 7 years. We met when our children started at pre-school. Both of us were going through marriage break-ups, and she struck me as very anxious and vulnerable. We would meet up for coffee sometimes, and she'd chat things through with me. I was happy to be there for her, even though we weren't particularly close at that point. I also had my own stuff to deal with, including the heartbreak of my ex's repeated infidelity, and the consequent break-up of our family.

She and I became closer a few years down the line, when stronger, more settled and embarking on the online dating. We'd have brilliant chats about how it was all going, the sex we were having (after so many years with our ex husbands!), and a good laugh. I could tell her anything. We used to occasionally have a few days away together, and were pretty close.
However, I have come to see that I can no longer keep burying my head in the sand, about some of the red flags in our friendship. She is the most self-absorbed person I have ever met, and I don't say that lightly I have tried to be a really good friend to her, but now that we no longer have the distraction of dating (not on my part, anyway) or our weekends away together, the disparities have come closer to the fore. Here are some examples:

• one time when we were away, she organised a Tinder date (fine by me, as I was happy reading and eating chocolate in the apartment!), and brought the guy home while I was sleeping. They were quiet and respectful, but he could have been anyone. I felt a bit vulnerable too, as I slept in the living room, as it was cooler (naked, but for a sheet!). They had to pass it to get into the bedroom.
• never sending a thoughtful text, like asking if I'm feeling better (on the rare occasions I'm ill), or asking about a tricky situation at work. Never truly asking how I am in general.
• going on and on about her own life and worries.
• she recently moved house and was tight for money, so I lent her money, sourced her some gorgeous and cheap secondhand furniture, helped her find a new place to rent, etc. Yesterday I asked her if I could borrow an item of dress-up for my daughter's Halloween day at school; something which I felt sure her children would have, due to their interests. She said she'd have a look for it, but I heard nothing back. Not even a 'sorry, no luck!' text.

I've just always had the feeling about her that she would never go out of her way for me. Or anyone really, unless perhaps a bloke. Her other friends are quite selfish types. I've always just ignored that gut instinct, but I'm not sure I can any more.

• I had a night at hers before the restrictions, and stayed over. I was really looking forward to it, and my dad was staying with the children. I felt mentally drained by the end. The talking about herself started from literally the second we met.
• this is one part where I know IABU and judgy, but I can't help it. She only has her kids 3 nights a week (mostly during which they're at school, as she never has them on weekends), and works only 2 days a week. I work full-time and only get every other weekend off. If I have to listen to how tired she is one more time, I may scream.
• I tried gently talking to her recently about how I felt, because she told me about a friend who ghosted her years ago at uni, and how she wished the girl had spoken to her about what she had done wrong. It hasn't really made a difference overall.
• one more extremely trivial thing that bugged me at the time, even though it sounds totally inconsequential. Once after being away together, we got separated at the airport coming home. I phoned her and asked if she wanted anything at the airport shop. She was hungry and I bought her a sandwich. When I met her 5 minutes later, she was eating crisps. It simply wouldn't have occurred to me to pick up some for me too.

I'm quite a thoughtful friend, and find her lack of thoughtfulness quite frustrating. Please don't give the Mumsnet reply of 'well, you don't seem to like her very much', as that's not it at all. I really do, and that's why the friendship has lasted this long. But we're just very different in terms of our values.
I like the good bits, but am struggling with the bits that don't sit easily with me. She is a good person, but maybe we're no longer compatible.
What would you do?
Thanks

Sorry, it should have read 'it wouldn't have occurred to HER to pick up some for me too'.

The crisps I mean, not men

It sounds like she’s a ‘fun friend’ - fine for nights out and a laugh, but not someone you could turn to in a crisis. That doesn’t have to be a problem if you accept that’s all she is. It’s only a problem if you want her to be a true friend who’s there through thick and thin.

Seems like some trivial things to end a friendship over.

Does she listen to you talk about your life too? Do you feel perhaps this sharing of worries was always a feature of your friendship but perhaps you’re more settled now?

Get the tinder thing, although I know some people wouldn’t mind a friend doing this at all. Did you communicate after how you felt about that?

The crisps thing is ridiculous – this sounds more like you’d already started to develop the opinion that she’s thoughtless and so then any tiny thing could be interpreted as further evidence.

The crisps thing does sound ridiculous, I agree, but it actually does kind of highlight how differently we'd approach a situation.

I have a friendship with a similar dynamic. It used to drive me mad that I was kind and considerate to her. It got to the point where I was ready to drop her but then I realised that she was the only friend I did one particular activity with. In the end, I decided to really down grade my expectations of her. Now, I dont even think of her as a friend, she's just the person I do x activity with.

I think you need to decide whether you get anything from the friendship and adjust your expectations of her accordingly. As a pp said, maybe she is just the fun person you go for a glass of wine with on a Friday night, but not the person who you expect sympathy from if you are sick.

I was kind and considerate to her but got nothing back.

Really interesting perspectives here, and thank you all.
So much of this shit is down to how we're raised. I was brought up having high expectations of others, but this can often lead to disappointment.

OP you sound lovely and I think your post has answered your own question. She’s one of life’s takers. It’s not good that you felt so drained after what should have been a fun night staying over at her place.

Doesn't sound like she's meeting your friend requirements. Pull back for a bit, see if she notices and then tell her why? Or just tell her anyway?
I don't think yanbu, I couldn't be arsed with that selfishness personally.

Agree she sounds like a fair-weather friend. Fine for company or nights out but not someone who can be relied on to be a real true friend. She sounds very self centred and selfish. I would detach yourself slightly, maybe she's a good casual friend but no more than that.
I can't actually believe she bought a bloke back to your hotel room and shagged him while you were lying next door -someone she barely knew! That's absolutely not a good friend!!

Me neither, that’s really not on when you’re on a girls’ weekend away and it means you have to sleep in the sitting room. Yuk

The Tinder example is grim. And I ended a friendship due to a similar experience and have never looked back. I just found it incredibly disrespectful and couldn't move on.

The other bits make her sound like a fair weather friend and as long as you can re set your expectations you could still continue a friendship.

But the Tinder thing???

You didn’t mind the Tinder thing? For real? You were on a weekend away with her and she brought back some stranger to the flat? So wrong on so many levels!

Nah, fuck that. IME these types of people are fine for a night out occasionally but generally not worth the bother. I’m not saying she’s a bad person but I know that personally, as someone who looks for mutual respect, reliability and shared values in a friendship, I’m simply not compatible with that kind of “taker” personality type. I’d keep her at arm’s length - once she realises you’re not going to help her out with stuff anymore she’ll probably move on anyway (sorry if that sounds harsh but that’s been my experience!)

Agree that the Tinder thing is grim and speaks volumes about how much she respects you. A good friendship shouldn’t make you feel like this.

Of course I minded the Tinder thing. I wouldn't have mentioned it here otherwise!
I told her the following morning that she was out of order, which to be fair she did accept. And we were away together for a week when that happened, as opposed to a weekend.

Thanks everyone.

Going through an ending in a similar friendship. She won't ever change. What ever you are going through, they have it tougher. It's sad but it gets to the point where there is nothing you enjoy about the friendship or time you spend together anymore and that's when it's time to draw a line!

The Tinder guy thing is so wrong, I really do understand why you felt how you did. Even if you did know him she was away with you, not for her to spend a night with a guy. I had a situation with my old best friend and a guy she met online. We were in a pub together, only to have the one drink for a catch up, she said she needed to quickly go outside to speak to somebody. I said that's okay and stayed in the pub. She was gone for nearly an hour and I was sat there on my own. Eventually I got up and was about to call my mum to pick me up as I would not walk on my own in the dark and the friend came back all happy. She said she just met a guy from online and did basically everything with him in the pub car park in his car she didn't even apologise to me at all. I thought it was so disrespectful. We had only been in the pub 10 mins before she went and saw him. I went home and don't think I ever went out with just her again. More things have happened since and I haven't spoken to her for 8 years. She sees me with my daughter who I had after I last spoke to her and she just stares and sniggers at me. Weird.

@Namechange2220000

Blimey, well that all says more about her than it does about you. What a total cow!

I've given the impression that she is a 'good time' friend, but she's actually quite serious. I do enjoy our chats, and she has also provided a listening ear to me. I guess I'm far less needy though. And not as focused on myself. If a friend was in need and asked me to do something, I'd do it (within reason!). If they moved house, I'd buy a wee housewarming gift. If someone came to my house, and for example said they liked the biscuits I put out, I might pick them up a packet next time I do a shop. It would never occur to her to put herself out for anyone. I guess I've never had a friend who is so into 'self'.
I do like her and would like to continue the friendship, but clearly have some work to do on managing my expectations.

And maybe that's my issue, not hers.

@bloodyhairy you sound like a lovely friend! I wish I had a friend like you. I do have friends, but most are mummy friends where my DD is friends with their DD/DS but I have like 2 proper friends but hardly ever see them as they are so busy.

"-never sending a thoughtful text, like asking if I'm feeling better (on the rare occasions I'm ill), or asking about a tricky situation at work. Never truly asking how I am in general.

• going on and on about her own life and worries."

These two points do kind if explain each other.

She talks to you when she has a problem or worry without prompting, so she likley thinks you would do the same. We all tend to think everyone thinks the same way we do.

"If someone came to my house, and for example said they liked the biscuits I put out, I might pick them up a packet next time I do a shop."

^ this though sounds fucking insane!?

I would hate this and would ditch her. She sounds selfish and self-absorbed. If you decide to stay friends, treat her as she treats you, no special favours, no more searching our furniture, offers to grab her a sandwich nothing. Use her as she uses you.

@Elsewyre

"If someone came to my house, and for example said they liked the biscuits I put out, I might pick them up a packet next time I do a shop."

^ this though sounds fucking insane!?

Yes, I think this sounds quite odd, and suggests an unusual level of people-pleasing.

OP, you seem to see friendship in terms of you meeting the other person’s needs, and expect reciprocation, but you seem to have set up this particular friendship with you bustling around around propping her up and sorting her out to quite an extreme extent — lending her money, finding her furniture and somewhere to live — and resenting the hell out of it when you don’t get what you consider equivalent ‘thoughtfulness’ back when she doesn’t anticipate your needs. But you are actively sponsoring that dynamic by behaving like her fixer/lady in waiting.

For instance, my friendships are important to me, but it would never occur to me to buy a friend their favourite biscuits while I was shopping — wouldn’t they buy them for themselves? — or phone someone about buying them food at an airport shop, unless they had a disability or so much luggage that meant they couldn’t do it themselves. If I wanted to talk about myself, I would, without waiting for an invitation.

The Tinder shag was a dangerous and thoughtless thing to do, obviously, but I think it’s odd that you’re conflating it with her not lending you something for a child’s Halloween costume or buying you food when separated in an airport. I’d be focusing on your behaviour in this friendship, not hers (which, after all, you can’t change). Why are you so overly-attuned to others’ needs that you set yourself up as the rescuer/fixer/people-pleaser and then simmer with resentment when other people don’t do the same in return?