Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

House deposit 50/50

46 replies

kleew1 · 29/10/2020 15:03

Myself and partner currently stay in his flat and i rent mine out (his is 4x more valuable and he earns 65k and i earn 12k a year). One dc who is a toddler.

Talking about a home in future, he said we will both put in 50/50 and he doesn't see why he should put in more.

As im typing this i realise iabu BUT why would you not want what's best for your child and the family home, contributing more if you have it?

Initially he said he would sell this flat due to tax involved rather than keeping it on and renting. Now as ive said he should really contribute more to get a better home (even getting it written into a contract) he's decided he will now keep this flat on.

Am i being unreasonable? I can't tell. I just think it's selfish of him.

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 29/10/2020 16:00

Unbelievable. Honestly. YANBU. I wouldn't be able to get past this.

IndieTara · 29/10/2020 16:01

Don't sell your flat

finished31 · 29/10/2020 16:04

@IndieTara

Don't sell your flat

I agree....move back into it with your DC and tell him goodbye fuck off

BlueThistles · 29/10/2020 16:09

Did you give the children HIS Surname too OP ?

ivfbeenbusy · 29/10/2020 16:11

Well if you divorced him you'd likely be demanding at least 50% so seems fair to me.....

timehealsmost · 29/10/2020 16:11

Yes. ,do not sell your flat. ....

Mallemo · 29/10/2020 16:21

When you graduate will you be earning more? Personally I would prioritise getting on with my career and making myself financially secure. It sounds like he would appreciate you doing that too - that would obviously involve him sharing the load at home too. It needs to be a partnership. Why not just both keep your flats for now and sell them once you’re more ready as a couple?

Kpo58 · 29/10/2020 16:25

I would get rid of him. He only sees you as a flatmate with benefits rather than a family. I can't believe that you aren't splitting bills proportionally with how much you earn. It's like he's happy to see you with nothing. Did he make you save up for maternity leave?

Nopenotsureigiveahoot · 29/10/2020 16:30

I dont think it matters that you earn less than him, he has chosen to be with you, you are a unit! How can you go 50/50 when he earns more. Is there a reason you arent married? He seems very individualistic. I think I would rather live in my own property with my child!

IJustWantSomeBees · 29/10/2020 16:34

This is financial abuse; you should not be paying 50% of childcare when you are earning SO much less than him. Ditto to the idea splitting the house cost 50/50.

NiceandCalm · 29/10/2020 16:44

This doesn't bode well at all. Do not sell your flat, it is your only bit of financial security and I think you will need it further down the line.

DaddysGirlForLife · 29/10/2020 16:52

Is he usually this tight?

No way should you be paying 50/50 when he earns more! He's thinking of himself & no one else. Wonder if he's a narcissist?

dontdisturbmenow · 29/10/2020 16:56

We know nothing of the past.

There's a big difference in circumstances if OP and him have been together 10 years and the baby was planned together compared to an accidental pregnancy after being together 3 months.

In the first instance, his attitude would be worrying, ion the second, very smart.

nerdsville · 29/10/2020 16:57

Genuine question, why shouldn't they go 50/50? They're not married and by the sounds of things, OP hasn't reduced her working hours in order to provide childcare or take on more of the household responsibilities, she's chosen to go to uni full-time and work part-time on top. Maybe her partner is equally frustrated that she's voluntarily limited her financial contribution to the household as she is frustrated that he won't contribute a larger percentage?

Unless they agreed before she went to uni that he would provide financial support, or before they decided to have a baby they agreed that he would cover a larger proportion of the costs because he earns more, then I don't understand why everyone assumes that it's just a given that all earnings should be shared equally, especially when they're not married so there's been no formal agreement to share assets?

I work hard and earn decent wages, I wouldnt be thrilled if I ended up in a relationship with someone who voluntarily put themselves in a position where their earnings were limited (uni) and then got pissy if I wouldn't give them half my money, unless we'd discussed it and jointly agreed that that would be the case beforehand.

Obviously I would think differently if we made a joint decision to have a child, which limited their earning capacity during mat leave or we agreed they would reduce their hours to provide childcare or become a SAHM - that's a different kettle of fish. I just don't really understand where this sense of entitlement to partner's earnings comes from when both partners appear to have the ability to work full-time. So many people post on here, surprised to find out their partners opinions on things like shared finances. Don't people have conversations about this stuff in advance?

ContraIndicated · 29/10/2020 17:01

You’d probably be better off moving back to your own flat and getting child maintenance. He sounds like an arse.

Happyheartlovelife · 29/10/2020 17:04

I understand it. But he does realise you'll only be able to put say £400 a month towards the mortgage. So you'll only be able to get roughly £60k house right?

Also you'll have to split everything else completely 50/50. Childcare. Food. Bills. I don't mean just financially too. I mean time etc. So he will have to start doing achool or nursery runs???

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2020 17:08

nerdsville
I agree with you. There's too many variables and no right way for couples to arrange their finances (though on here there is a dominant view that a man's money is family money and a woman's money is her money, especially if her DP earns less).

Some situations with different incomes make 50/50 hugely unfair, but others it's quite reasonable.

tigger001 · 29/10/2020 17:13

I couldn't put up with a partner like that, my husband and I have each ,at times ,earned more than the other, but we both just knew it didn't matter, it was all just for us, the both of us, not his and mine.

If he doesn't want to to give his the child the best unless you can match it, that's wierd, but he should also want the best for both of you.

doodleygirl · 29/10/2020 17:17

Why do you want to be with someone who tells you who he is?

Original poster

kleew1 · 29/10/2020 17:35

Thanks all for the varying perspectives.

In answer to some questions, we have been together 7 years and our little one is 3.

It was my decision re uni but partner fully supported me doing it. I dont lean on him financially at all. However, i do pay a set amount per month towards the house which is lower as i have no equity in it.

I would say i pay more in terms of buying things for my little one but thats because i want to get her stuff/give her days out.

We go 50/50 on shopping and i run my own car etc. Wake up every morning and make dinners 5/7.

OP posts:

mrsmrt1981 · 29/10/2020 18:03

My husband paid 100% of our deposit using his inheritance. He never asked me for a penny as I am a low earner like yourself (social care). And this was before we even had a child.

The only difference I can see here is that we are married. I think that’s a really strange attitude for your partner to have seeing how you have a child together so it’s not like you’ve been together for just five minutes. If it were me I would be digging a little deeper to see what’s behind it.

Flip

1 2