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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say "Whatever!" re friend?

24 replies

DribblingPumpkins · 29/10/2020 12:29

There is this woman I "was" sort of friends with. I say sort of as she wasn't a really close friend. I would see her 2 or 3 times a year for a coffee if we bumped into each other. One of the reasons why I don't think we became close friends is because she is a little bit snobby and I don't think I fit with her circle of friends.

She is very private and never gave much away but I know that one of her family members was ill. I don't know more details than that. I think that person has now passed away.

Whenever I saw her we would stop for a chat, go for a coffee etc. but the last 3 times I have seen her she has totally blanked me but not before making it abundantly clear to whoever she was with that she had seen me and was annoyed to see me e.g. roll eyes, look pissed off! The first time was really embarrassing because I went up to her, started talking as usual and she got all flustered and a bit angry and said she had to go. The second time I was more wary and she walked towards me, looked at her partner as if to say "oh, it's her" and smiled cat's bum face style at me. The same thing happened last week.

I cannot think of one thing I have done to upset her. I have not spoken to anyone about her, not crossed her path, nothing. I do not know her well enough to do anything to upset her. The only thing I can think of is she has had a bereavement in her family and I was expected to get in touch and offer condolences and I didn't. If that is the case then I am very sorry, but I knew nothing of it and we have had lockdown and I have not seen her for half a year at least.

Also, people need to understand that things happen in other peoples lives too. During this time my DH left me (but came back) and I was devastated and then one of my close relatives got coronavirus and died and all the stress that came with that. I don't expect people who I haven't told about this to offer me any support or be mind readers.

AIBU to think that next time I see her to just not bother and think "what ever" and not waste any time on it? I was quite taken aback as I have never had someone blank me like that. I have always got on with everyone and I am not 12.

OP posts:

MuthaFunka61 · 29/10/2020 12:54

Us humans can be strange at times. It's not unknown for people to make up stories in their head about us and act on this and treat us accordingly.

You sound upset by this which is natural enough, so be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you've no idea what's going on for her and that it's her problem.

LouiseTrees · 29/10/2020 13:00

I mean you could just message and ask what her issue was

Original poster

DribblingPumpkins · 29/10/2020 13:12

Louise, I could but then she knows she's got to me iyswim. I think she's been a bit childish and whilst I am upset it's not for the loss of a friendship, I'm just not used to being blanked. I've never blanked anyone in my life. Even if I've got an issue with someone I'd be polite and limit the conversation. I wouldn't act like a schoolgirl who has fallen out with a classmate.

OP posts:

thosetalesofunexpected · 29/10/2020 13:14

Hi Op I totally agree with you too muthaFunka61 well said.
Focus more on improving your self esteem and ignore her quirky ,strange ways so called friend.
Better to keep in touch surround yourself with better people in your life in future, you deserve better than her.
Some things happen for a reason even if at time we don't understand, later on in due course it will make more sense, some friendships are just transient ,we learn something about ourselves, other people and then its like two ships passing at sea its quite sad, but something/somebody etc better will come along in due course as a friend/friends maybe she came into your life for your personal growth, to learn to not be so much a people pleaser and to be more cormfortable in your skin etc.

m0therofdragons · 29/10/2020 13:15

I have a friend I’ve clearly done something too. Her best friend is an absolute shit stirrer so I can only assume she’s said I’ve done something in pretty sure I haven’t. Don’t think she’d believe me over her bestie so I’ve decided to leave it. Annoying though.

thosetalesofunexpected · 29/10/2020 13:15

Hi Op I hope that makes sense .

Velvian · 29/10/2020 13:19

I think you need to either ask her what the problem is or block and have nothing more to do with her.

I had a similar situation with a friend. I eventually emailed to ask what was going on. The "reason" for being blanked was so absurd that all of my anxiety about the situation disappeared. We agreed to stay, but I'm much more guarded around them now. I think my friendship will fizzle out.

In some respects I wish I had said that I did not want to remain friends. It is awkward though, as we live in the same village.

Shizzlestix · 29/10/2020 13:23

Blank her. I can’t be doing with school girl nonsense as an adult.

thosetalesofunexpected · 29/10/2020 13:30

Hi op I think this woman was more actiquiance than a proper friend really, nevertheless her attitude is still off , very weird 😕 certain people can be quite confusing, difficult to fanthom out in any way, how embarrassing when she behavioured, reacted ike that to you..
Its good she has finally shown her true colours as a fair weather kind of so called friend, good riddance

MatildaTheCat · 29/10/2020 13:30

She’s not behaving well but bereavement can send some people really quite mad for a while. If you did actually like her and are bewildered why not send a simple text asking if she’s ok? Sounds as if you will be bumping into her now and again so restoring civility would benefit you really. You don’t have to get chummy again but civil is good.

Condolences on your loss and stresses.

BibbityBobbityBellend · 29/10/2020 13:35

If you see her on her own in the next few weeks, ask her. She will probably be more welcoming when alone. If that's a bit much, I would message her. Sounds like you don't have to worry about negative effects of what she says. Do you have mutual friends? Assume you don't work together so I would compose a friendly message saying from your interactions recently it appears something has happened and you would like to discuss as you're not sure what it is. Otherwise, 20 years from now you'll still be wondering.

People are so strange. I don't think we'll ever understand each other.

Sparklfairy · 29/10/2020 13:39

smiled cat's bum face style at me

No help at all but I couldn't work out how she managed this so I had to try it myself

After a bit of contortion, I now know the facial expression you mean!

CremantCharlie · 29/10/2020 13:42

At the moment she has you in her power. I would not contact her, or look her way if you see her. Her cats bum smile has let you know quite clearly that she does not want to engage with you at the moment. She may change and get friendly again, but to be honest, life is too short for all the mind fuckery. Let her go from your thoughts and life. Mentally wish her well but don't engage in future.

roastedsaltedpeanut · 29/10/2020 13:46

You obviously don’t like her much. Is it your insecurity or not, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be friends with everyone in your life.

You have two options. One, text and ask what’s the matter. Two, blank her.
Either way will be considered a conclusion so you don’t need to waste anymore energy pondering.
Which option you choose depends on how important/relevant she is in your life. As in any common friends which you love and don’t want to upset? Any common activity such as children in the same school? If yes to any of these you should reach out to speak to her, that’s the mature thing to do. For the sake of your own peace of mind as well as diffusing an awkward situation for friends and people you actually care about.
If she isn’t involved in your life other than occasional/accidental meet ups then I say get rid, blank, ignore and forget. Waste of time engaging with her

DrManhattan · 29/10/2020 14:47

Id want to know, mainly because I am massively nosey. Next time ask her what her effing problem is

MissTemple · 29/10/2020 14:59

You say a family member may have died, do you think that she thinks you know and should have contacted her?

Original poster

DribblingPumpkins · 29/10/2020 15:06

Yes, Miss Temple. But I only know by accident and I don't think she's aware I know. I didn't find out till lockdown/ own family death and marriage troubles. I'm not a mind reader.

OP posts:

MissTemple · 29/10/2020 15:26

Not a criticising, just think it could be the reason for her weird behaviour.

Chickychickydodah · 29/10/2020 15:28

Just blank her and see how she likes it, she doesn’t want anything to do with you so delete her and move on.

Coyoacan · 29/10/2020 15:35

I had a similar situation with a friend. I eventually emailed to ask what was going on. The "reason" for being blanked was so absurd that all of my anxiety about the situation disappeared

Snap!

wigglerose · 29/10/2020 16:02

You can either ask her or ignore her.
If it is the bereavement, and she's getting funny with you about a bereavement for not contacting her about a bereavement that she didn't tell you about directly, then honestly I'd just roll my eyes at her and move on. You don't need self-absorbed people like that in your life.

BlueThistles · 29/10/2020 16:14

Blank her...

AryaStarkWolf · 29/10/2020 16:22

What a weirdo, ignore and move on with your life imo

Fairyliz · 29/10/2020 16:22

Some people are weird. Just be thankful you are not one of them and next time you see her just give her a bright breezy hello and carry on walking by.

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