To find WFH affecting my MH this much?

[Strugglesjob]

Now before I start, I know people are going to comment saying I am fortunate to have a job, that at least I'm not having to go out onto the front line and put myself and family at risk- I know this, and it feeds into part of the problem as I feel extremely guilty for feeling the way I do, despite being hugely privelledged to be in this position.

I started a new job after 2 years off work with the children, I was really excited to start, and felt extremely fortunate to have got it! However aside from the manager dropping a laptop off the day before I started, I have had zero support. I don't have all of the tools to do the job, and ridiculously it feels it's making me physically ill. I can't sleep, I feel constantly in a state of flight, it's all I think about. I can't eat (most unusual for me), whenever I ask for help it's met with a non-committal yeah sure, but work isn't getting done that I know needs to be done, as much as I try there are elements I cannot do as I haven't been able to do a certain bit of training to get access to the suite (team are aware of this, but have offered nothing to help), so constantly I have people chasing me for things, and I know soon I'll be in trouble for it, despite highlighting it. Although I used to be able to do this job like the back of my hand and in my sleep, I just cannot get my brain to function, I am out of my depth. It's actually led to some pretty intrusive thoughts, which sounds so dramatic and I don't know why I feel this way. I want to quit, but then the stress of being jobless in a pandemic will also be ridiculously high, as would losing the house.

I know no one can really help, but anyone else feel like they're drowning and can't see a way out? I am applying for other jobs, but of course at the moment it's challenging. Any advice?

That sounds horrible, even with training it sounds like this is not a job you can stay in. Can you email your manager outlining all of this? I know you say you have spoken to people. But have you actually had a frank conversation with them? I think this needs to be a priority especially as you are saying you are having intrusive thoughts, no job should make you feel like this.

Do you have a partner? If you do what is their take on this? Do you have to work or can you take a break until you find something else. You don't need me to tell you how unhealthy this is for you. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, work is such a huge part of life.

This is not your fault. You should make a stand before actually quiting. Whoever needs to hear it might see things differently if they realise you're struggling due to faults on their side

@Rupertpenrysmistress yes I have spoken, cards on the table (which is really hard for me to do as I'm quite closed normally), and all I got back was well okay maybe you can finish early on Friday- which was nothing to do with anything! It's quite a small company so not really anyone else to talk to, aside from others in the team at my level who seem nice but also unwilling to help and can't do much else. My DH is very supportive, he says I should quit and look for something else, but I know it will take us from being fairly comfortable to be considering selling the house and struggling if I don't find something else soon. He does what he can and is a great support.

Thanks @JayDot500, that's the ideal I suppose, not sure I have the energy to do it at the moment or can face it. As I'm in probation period I'm guessing they can find an excuse to get rid of me pretty sharpish which seems the most likely outcome. I feel so dissapointed in myself, and it's making me a crap mum too.

If you don't need this job, tbh the environment doesn't sound healthy if that's the response you got. Definitely put your MH needs first.

Rather than keeping it on your lap, you need to clearly bat it back to base.

I would do a detailed email and state clearly what the problem is. CC your boss, HR and all the people your not being able to do the job affects - those that chase you.

List the tasks you cannot do. And detail how you feel this is impacting the company performance.

Ask for a plan of how you will access the training (have a google -are there any online courses you could do? Is there someone trained that could offer you either 1 to 1 or zoom training covid permitting?) and make suggestions.

Put the ball firmly in their court.

work isn't getting done that I know needs to be done, as much as I try there are elements I cannot do as I haven't been able to do a certain bit of training to get access to the suite (team are aware of this, but have offered nothing to help), so constantly I have people chasing me for things, and I know soon I'll be in trouble for it, despite highlighting it.

You need to stop mentally taking the blame for things. You won't "be in trouble", the company will soon be forced to confront its failings. Presumably you have an email trail of you asking for access? So you can't be blamed, unless your managers are utterly unreasonable.

Stop apologising. If someone says "why haven't you done X yet", say "I haven't been given access yet. I have asked Y but they haven't responded. Please could you contact them and let them know they are holding up your project." Get all parties on a call, or send assertive emails with both parties copied in.

Beyond that, look after your mental health. Working from home is tough, not enough human contact and not enough separation. Make sure you are meeting your own needs for social contact and time outside the house. Try to set really clear boundaries between work time and free time.